The Naked and the Dead/Transcript

Due to the length of this comic, a transcript is necessary. The transcript has been sectioned into smaller story events for convenience.

Page 1-29: Introduction- Miss Pauling Reawakens

[The story begins with Miss Pauling lying face-down in the middle of a golden desert, covered in sand and with vultures around her. She wakes up with a start, spitting sand out of her mouth] Miss Pauling: "Hck! Pfff! Pff! Where the hell...?" [A single unlocked door stands in front of her, seemingly in the middle of nowhere] [Cut to Miss Pauling opening the door and peering in] Miss Pauling: Um. Hello? Voice: Oh, it's you. Well, you might as well come in. [The voice is the Administrator, who is sitting in the middle of a control room lit green by multiple monitors. All of them eerily show live footage of her face] Miss Pauling: Where are we? Administrator: Mm. You know, nobody's ever dropped by that I've been able to ask. This is where I wake up when I die. All the cameras face inward, you see. So all you can look at is yourself. For eternity, presumably. Very poetic. I'm only ever here for an hour or so. Usually I just read magazines and smoke. [Miss Pauling moves closer] Miss Pauling: None of this is real, is it? You're just... this is all in my head. Administrator: If you like. Maybe I'm not here at all. Maybe I'm just a flickering memory in your dying brain. [The Administrator flicks her cigarette slightly, still facing the monitors] Administrator: Or maybe I am real, and we're discussing the nature of reality in my own private hell. In which case, congratulations. You've somehow figured out how to make eternity more boring. Honestly, pick one. I've never had much patience for the abstract. What matters is you've died. And that means you've failed. [Miss Pauling scowls a bit, but keeps talking] Miss Pauling: Okay, yes. I failed. The Australium you sent me to get? It's gone. It's gone, ma'am. [The Administrator rests her hand on her forehead, looking frustrated] Administrator: *Sigh* And of course you just gave up, didn't you. You have no idea how important this is... [Miss Pauling speaks with more desperation] Miss Pauling: So tell me! Administrator, I know you're planning something big. I've always known. And I've never asked. Not once. Because I trusted you. That when we got here, you'd have a place for me. [The Administrator takes a whiff from her cigarette] Administrator: Tell me, Miss Pauling... if you've never questioned my intentions, in a decade under my employ... because you "trusted" me... [The Administrator turn around on her chair and faces Miss Pauling] Administrator: Why are you asking now? [Silence. Miss Pauling poses a single question] Miss Pauling: What is it you want? [The monitors behind her are mysteriously turned off. Suddenly, the Administrator gives a grim look, her fingers touching and her face turning dark] Administrator: Blood. [The monitors turn on one-by-one. Miss Pauling's eyes begin to show on each screen] Administrator: It's not enough. [All monitors are turned on, filled with Miss Pauling's horrified expression] Administrator: I need more. [Comic suddenly cuts to a different scene. Miss Pauling is lying in bloody dirt outside of the TFC base, regaining consciousness. The previous events were all a hallucination] Voice: I need more blood! [The comic's name flashes at the bottom of the page: THE NAKED and the DEAD] [Miss Pauling finally awakens] Miss Pauling: Medic? [Medic is seen rushing about with a bucket full of blood, while Zhanna collects blood from the ground using a piece of cloth] Medic: More blood! She's coming around! [Medic sits on his knee beside Miss Pauling, collecting blood with a cloth] Miss Pauling: What happened? I thought we all... Medic: Died? Ha ha ha, heavens, NO! ...well, yes. [Medic squeezes the blood-soaked cloth into his bucket, smiling at Miss Pauling. Miss Pauling looks a bit disturbed] Medic: But only momentarily! Your hearts barely had time to stop beating! The robots merely drained out all of your blood. [Medic pours the bucket of dirty blood and debris straight into the Soldier's open chest, who is lying on the ground and smiling. Miss Pauling looks disgusted] Medic: SO! I just put the blood back in! Miss Pauling (Grimacing): I refuse to believe it's that easy. Medic: I know, ja? Why do people even go to Medical school? Miss Pauling: Wait, how'd you separate out all the blood types? [A bandaged Soldier sits up and smiles] Soldier: HAR! "Different types of blood"! Miss Pauling came back stupid! [Looking at Soldier] Medic: Ha! Yes. What foolishness. [Medic quickly and sternly glares at a surprised Miss Pauling while Soldier digs his nose] Medic (Quietly): Miss Pauling, I've been using my own underwear to sponge blood out of puddles. Trust me, the type is the least of your problems. [Miss Pauling looks as if she was about to cry] Miss Pauling: Oh god. Are we going to be okay...? Medic (Thinking): I would drink plenty of water. Oh, and blood, if you can find any. [They are both interrupted by the sound of the Demoman, who was in a frenzy and taking on a hoard of blood-sucking robots all by himself. Destroyed robots litter the area] Miss Pauling: Wait. Aren't those the robots that killed all of us in five seconds? Medic: Oof. Yes, I saw. Very embarrassing of you. Miss Pauling: Right, so... How the hell is Demo doing that? [Medic picks up the arm of a busted robot] Medic: Yes, I was pleasantly surprised as well. If I had to guess... I'd say drinking Demo's blood is giving them all alcohol poisoning. Miss Pauling: But he hasn't had a drop of liquor since we got to the island! How is he...? [A small speech bubble interrupts Miss Pauling] Voice: Heart! Status report! [The scene cuts to what seems to be a hallucination experienced by the Demoman. Demoman is giving orders to his various anthropomorphic organs behind a control panel, with his eyepatch-wearing heart saluting and announcing reports] Demoman's Heart: We managed to convert the stomach into a distillery, sir! Demoman (Shouting): Convert the lungs too! If it's hollow and it's in me body, put it to work! Voice: Tavish? [Demoman's eyepatch-wearing liver returns after leaving since Old Wounds. Demoman answers condescendingly, without turning his back] Demoman: Ach. Look who came crawling back. Hello, liver. Get bored of yer champagne parties and golden shrimp forks, did ye? Demoman's Liver: Tavish... I never even left your rectum. [Demoman grabs his liver and embraces it, giving a romantic kiss within a heart-shaped comic bubble] Demoman: I know. [Demoman's liver blushes and stands next to a happy Demoman, behind their control panel] Demoman: Ach, we'll have plenty o' time for that later. We should get back t'work. While you were gallivantin' around in me colon havin' a fine oul' time, me and the lads invented a way to ferment bone marrow. [Two eyepatch-wearing bones are seen with pickaxes beside them; one of them is smoking] Demoman: Look sharp there, boys! Demoman's Bones: I hate this job. [Scene suddenly cuts to pure black] Voice: These guys are morons. Lunatics. They're the laughing stock of the mercenary world. How the hell are they- [A frustrated TFC Heavy is seen watching the events unfold on a large blue screen. The TFC Engineer approaches from behind him and interrupts his thoughts] TFC Engineer: Uh... boss? Me and the boys were talkin', and uh... we were wonderin' how we're gonna get paid. [TFC Heavy doesn't turn around. He is seen holding something] TFC Heavy: Do I look like I'm in the mood to talk about this, Fred? You always get paid. Why bring it up now? TFC Engineer: Well, for one, you never killed the guy payin' us before. Two, I've been standin' here ten minutes watchin' you yell at his spine. [TFC Heavy turns around menacingly and thrusts the item he is holding towards the TFC Engineer, showing that it was Gray Mann's Life-Extender machine] TFC Heavy: You worried about MONEY? I'm holding a machine that will let us live forever, Fred. [TFC Engineer backs away a bit] TFC Engineer: Yeah, about that. I also can't help noticing you ain't holding five of 'em. TFC Heavy: SO MAKE MORE! You're an Engineer, aren't you? TFC Engineer: Well, sure, but- this aint' exactly upgrading a Turret here. Come on man, immortality machines? Magic rocks? That damn thing's more Biology that Engineering... [TFC Heavy turns away again] TFC Heavy: Just so we're not here all day... what can you do, Fred? [TFC Engineer counts his fingers] TFC Engineer: Well, I've been lookin' at the old man's Robots. I could probably get the Sentry Busters up and running, or maybe... [TFC Heavy immediately turns around and grabs the TFC Engineer's collar, screaming directly into his face] TFC Heavy: Get them ALL up and running! Now! I WANT THESE IDIOTS DEAD!

Page 30-55: Heavy, Scout, and Saxton Hale reunite with the Team

[The comic cuts back to outside of the base. After jumping from Saxton Hale's airplane, the Heavy and the Scout parachute and land next to Miss Pauling. Scout lands first, and is elated to see Miss Pauling again] Scout: Miss Pauling! Miss Pauling: Scout! Heavy! Thank god! Scout: You're alive! Miss Pauling: You- Scout: And you look terrific! Have you lost weight? Miss Pauling: I... lost most of my blood? Scout: Nice! Your hair looks great too! Miss Pauling: Thanks. It's... covered in my blood. [Scout takes off his parachute and gets close to Miss Pauling] Scout: Miss Pauling, I'm... you know what? I'm just glad you're okay. [Scout embraces Miss Pauling - this forces blood to spurt out of her eyes, knocking her glasses off. Miss Pauling looks exhausted while a disgusted-looking Scout lets go of her] Medic: Ah, yes. Miss Pauling, you might not want to get squeezed by anyone for... well... ever, I suppose. That blood is going to be sloshing around in there for a while. [Meanwhile, Zhanna happily reunites with a surprised Heavy and embraces him] Zhanna Misha! I am so happy to see you! Heavy (Surprised, looking at her hand stump): Zhanna, where is your hand? [Zhanna lets go of Heavy. Heavy rests an arm on her shoulder] Zhanna: I sawed it off with scrap of metal to kill woman torturing me (the TFC Pyro). Heavy: Yes, of course. Good. Wait, what is this? [Heavy notices Zhanna's necklace of ears and holds it] Heavy: Where did you get this necklace of... human ears... [Heavy gives a horrified look to his sister] Heavy: Sister, NO. [Soldier happily comes over and punches Heavy in the chest; Heavy glares at him disappointingly] Soldier: Hello, brother-in-law! Good news! You're going to be a grandfather! Zhanna: He's going to impregnate me, brother! [Cut to Scout giving Miss Pauling a rather self-centered breakdown of the events back at Ayers Rock] Scout: ...and then I punched Ayers Rock real hard and it moved like ten feet and Heavy was like "Holy crap you're super strong!" And I was like "Shut up for a second and let me think 'cause all the Australium's gone..." [Miss Pauling looks away, thinking] Miss Pauling: I knew it. Scout: Wait, you always knew I was super strong? 'Cause... that's a thing... we could explore. Miss Pauling: What about the Australium? Did you find out who took it? Scout: Oh, uh... not as such, no, vis a vis (vis-à-vis: with regard to) the rock in question... But oh! We did find Saxton Hale though! Miss Pauling (Looks at Scout): Really? Great, we could use the help! Where is he? Scout (Points behind himself): He's right... Huh. That's funny. Him and his big mean girlfriend were right behind us. [Scout turns around. Both him and Miss Pauling give a concerned look at what they see] Scout: Oh. That is... [A battalion of whirring robots mercenaries were standing right behind them the entire time, filling the air with robotic rumbling] Scout: That is not Saxton Hale behind us. [A small speech bubble interrupts the scene] Voice: We were inside that whale for four days looking for that cougar! [Cut to Saxton Hale and Maggie in their plane, laughing hysterically at the memories of their old escapades] Saxton Hale (Laughing): But we found him in the end, didn't we, Mags? Jerry (Piloting the plane): Mister Hale? Saxton Hale: Beat the crap out of him too! [Maggie makes a silly face with her hands up, Saxton Hale roaring with laughter] Maggie: Remember there was that boat full of hippies trapped in there? Jerry: Mister Hale? Saxton Hale (Laughing): Ha ha ha! When'll those dimwits learn? They just look like a boat full of sausages to a whale. Jerry (Shouting now): Mister Hale!! [Saxton Hale and Maggie calm down slightly, smiling at each other] Maggie: Remember what we did in that whale, Sax? Saxton Hale: Do I. On everything, Mags. The stomach. The liver. The heart, The cougar corpse... [They are interrupted by the shouts of Jerry, who opens the cabin door and notifies them loudly] Jerry: MISTER HALE! If you're going to jump, it needs to be now, we are out of fuel. [Maggie brushes her hair, and Saxton Hale nudges her with his muscular arm] Maggie: Sheesh Sax, how long've we been jawing on for? Saxton Hale: That big fella and the rat-boy jumped an hour ago. Time flies with you Mags. Always did. Y'know, I've been thinking... Once we get that Australium off Gray Mann... [Maggie and Saxton Hale both put on parachutes. Saxton Hale gets his on first, and pushes several crates of cargo off the open rear of the plane for dropoff] Saxton Hale (Looking back and smiling): ...Darling promised he'd get me Mann Co. back! Mags! You should come run it with me! [Maggie faces away, and shows sadness as she puts on her parachute] Saxton Hale: Just the two of us! Wouldn't that be great? [Still no answer from Maggie] Saxton Hale (Still pushing cargo): Mags? [Back outside the base, Miss Pauling, Zhanna, Demoman, Heavy, Soldier and Scout are seen bunched up in a circle in the middle of a bridge. They are surrounded on both sides by hoards of robots, with torrents of water under the bridge trapping them entirely] Soldier: Do not worry, men! I have crapped my way out of tougher jams than this! Surrounded on one side? HA! These tin cans couldn't surround their own metal asses with both hands! I'll- [Soldier looks towards the other end of the bridge] Soldier: Oh. They are on both sides of us. Men, we are going to die. Scout: It's a good thing we ain't got any guns, Soldier... [Zoom in to Scout and the group] Scout (Tense, with fists up): ...cause I'd shoot you right now before these robots kill us. Heavy: Where did Hale go? Scout: I toldja we couldn't trust that smelly bagga muscles... Just a big hairy coward, if ya ask m- [Scout is interrupted mid-sentence by a crate hitting him squarely on the head.] Scout: Ow. [Parachuted crates begin to rain from the sky; one hits Soldier on the head as well. Scout is seen holding a crate labeled Mann Co. Submachine Guns, trying his best to read it] Scout: Sub... Submack... mackeen... No, wait. Lemme start over. Subm- Miss Pauling: Scout, read faster. [Camera focuses above the team, with everyone looking upwards. The Scout smiles widely] Scout: Naw, I got the gist. Holy crap, you guys! Look who just showed up with a bunch of Submakeens! [Saxton Hale is seen parachuting down along with his crates, with Maggie right beside him. Jerry clings onto Maggie for dear life] Saxton Hale: SAXTON HAAAALE! Jerry: AAAAAAAaaaaaaa... [A crate lands and bursts open beside the Heavy, who glances down at it. His trusty Minigun rolls out of the broken crate. He smiles, picks it up, and revs his Minigun, hearing it sing again] Heavy: Ahhh, Sasha. I have missed your voice. [Cut to a picture of the team finally having firearms to fight back, with them beginning to blast, shoot and punch their way through the hoard of Gray Mann's robots.]

Page 56-86: Sniper VS Spy... VS Sniper

[Scene of Miss Pauling's team fighting suddenly cuts to black, sans a telescopic sight aimed directly at the Heavy's head. A voice can be heard muttering to himself] Voice: Okay, fat man... [Cut to the TFC Sniper, standing at a vantage point within a building. His Sniper Rifle is pointed out through the window, and he is about to take the shot] TFC Sniper: How about you go first? [Several knocks on the room's door interrupt his focus. The TFC Sniper lifts his head from the scope and swears] TFC Sniper: Damn it all! [The TFC Sniper rests his rifle against the windowsill and faces the door] TFC Sniper: Whoever that is, your knockin' just cost me a headshot. Voice (Outside door): Virgil, it's me! Let me in! TFC Sniper: Uh huh. And how do I know its you? Voice (More frantically): Virg, three of us are dead and the boss is PISSED, now let me in! TFC Sniper: Ah, goddamnit. "Apricot". [The codeword opens up the door, revealing the TFC Engineer. He walks in] TFC Engineer: Pack it up. Boss wants you back in the Comm room. [TFC Sniper lays his rifle beside the window] TFC Sniper: Now? Has he lost his damn mind? I've got 'em dead to rights down there. They've got guns now, Fred. [Camera moves out of the room as the two converse. Outside the door, the Sniper is seen holding a wooden plank in the shadows; the TFC Engineer is, in fact, the Spy, who was attempting to run the TFC Sniper into an ambush] "TFC Engineer": Wait, what? When? TFC Sniper: Just now. Some naked guy fell out of the sky with a load of weapon crates. [Sniper overhears this and hesitates slightly] Sniper (quietly): Aw, bloody hell... ["TFC Engineer" points out the door with his thumb] "TFC Engineer": Well, maybe that's what the boss wants to talk about. I know he's got something planned, anyway. TFC Sniper: Yeah, fine. Let's go. ..."Apricot". [The codeword shuts the door as the TFC Sniper pulls out a revolver, shooting the "TFC Engineer" in the knee. Spy's disguise fades, and Sniper is seen hurrying away from the door, panicking] Sniper: Bugger. Bugger. Bugger. [Spy lies sprawled on the floor, one hand clutching his injured knee. He frantically begins to shout the door's codeword as the TFC Sniper sits down on his knees beside him] TFC Sniper: Why would the boss want his Sniper out a Sniper's nest durin' the middle of a firefight... Spy (Towards the door): Nngh! Apricot! TFC Sniper: ...just so he can tell me to go back to my Sniper's nest to start shootin' people? Spy (In a panic): Apricot! Apricot! TFC Sniper: Heh. Yeah, that's not gonna work. You might wanna come up with some better last words. [Meanwhile, the Sniper crashes through a wooden door with difficulty. He falls down, bleeding and weak from his stitches] Sniper: *Hff* *Hff* [There is a window inside the room he broke into. Sniper grabs into the windowsill and smashes through it; a piece of the broken window manages to accidentally catch onto his pants, leaving him stark naked once he is out of the window] Sniper: Bugger. Bugger. Aggh. Bugger... [Scene shifts back to the TFC Sniper and Spy] TFC Sniper: Fred and I been workin' together since before the war. For what its worth? That was a good Fred. Spy (Holding his knee in pain): Nngh! Not good enough, evidently. TFC Sniper: Nah, it woulda fooled me. Thing is, I know Fred so well... [The TFC Sniper taps his revolver against his right eye; it has a robotic appearance, and makes a metallic sound] TFC Sniper: ...I trusted him. To pluck my eyes out and replace 'em with these. Damn things see through everything. Can't sleep at night. They see through my eyelids. But lemme tell you... it is worth it to see you rat@#$% Spies coming. Spy: Ngh! Well. Before you kill me. [Spy seems to give up, reaching into his suit and pulling out a cigarette while giving a half-smile] Spy: Would you mind... if I had a cigarette? [Camera pans to face the Spy's back. The TFC Sniper's back is turned away from the room's windows, preventing him from seeing Sniper inching his way towards the room's open window from the outside] TFC Sniper (pointing his revolver at the Spy): Sure. But take one of mine. [TFC Sniper gets on one knee and lights one of his cigarettes for the Spy, lifting his hat with his gun. Sniper is halfway there, a trail of blood left against the windows] TFC Sniper: I don't want you smokin' one of them cyanide cigarettes you boys like so much. [Sniper is right next to the window, where TFC Sniper's rifle rests. TFC Sniper is still oblivious.] TFC Sniper: Don't want you goin' quick. I'm gonna take my time with this. [TFC Sniper finally turns around from the sound of his rifle getting cocked. Sniper has crawled into the room, aiming TFC Sniper's own rifle towards him. TFC Sniper sighs, and puts both hands up in an act of surrender] TFC Sniper: *sigh* Right. Now just think this through for a second, son. I'm sittin' on a- [Without a moment of hesitance, Sniper delivers a fatal headshot to the TFC Sniper, silencing him and killing him instantly. TFC Sniper's body drops onto the ground in a puddle of blood] [Spy rests himself against a wall, fingers holding his cigarette as Sniper walks towards him] Spy: If I forgot to mention it before now... You Snipers are the worst people on the planet. Sniper: He wasn't a Sniper. He was a sadist. There's a difference. Snipers don't muck about with gutshots and monologues. We just take the shot. [Both men rest painfully against the wall, Spy bleeding from his leg, and Sniper's stitches leaving blood all over the wall] Spy (condescendingly): Yes, you're credit to the institution of shooting people from far away. Some of us would have enjoyed torturing him first, by the way. Sniper: Yeah, well... next time speak up before I blow his head off. Let's have one of them cigs. [Spy takes a whiff from his cigarette, and passes a lit one to Sniper. Both do not lock eyes] [Short pause] Sniper: So... how do you reckon we get outta here?

Page 87-123: You Killed Doctor

[Scene changes to outside of the TFC base. Medic and Demoman are sitting in front of the rubble of a Tank Robot. Medic is stitching up Demoman's leg, while Demoman drinks from what seems to be a bottle of scrumpy.] Demoman: So after ye shot Sniper... Medic (working): Technically I was only present. Demoman: ...ye brought him back from the dead. Medic: Ingeniously so, yes. Demoman: Ach, well... tha's all right then. Medic (gets up slightly): Could I trouble you with the hydrogen peroxide? [Demoman hands him the bottle he was drinking from; he was drinking hydrogen peroxide the entire time] Demoman Aye, here ya go. Medic: Danke. This won't take a moment. [Zoom in on Demoman] Demoman: Y'know, Doc, I always wondered... ye can bring a man back t'life... why can't ye grow me another eye? [Medic hands Demoman the bottle of hydrogen peroxide, smiles, and prepares another string for stitching] Medic: Oh, of course I can. The procedure is quite simple, really. [Medic starts to hum as he begins stitching up Demoman's leg again. Demoman takes a swig from the bottle, and takes some time to process what he just heard] Demoman (After a moment of thought): What. [Demoman gets up, raising his voice to the Medic in slight anger] Demoman: Ye mean ta tell me, all these years... Ye could have put me eye back in any time ye bloodly liked? Medic (flabbergasted): Could have? [Medic points a finger at Demoman, lecturing him] Medic: My friend, I've given you your eye back at least eight times. And every time it functions normally until Halloween night. At which point it grows batwings and attacks us. We've fought a giant your eye, a brain-in-a-jar your eye, a knife-wielding ventriloquist dummy your eye. One year it traveled back in time and tried to be our parents. [Zooms in to Medic, who gives a grim expression and points at Demoman] Medic: The point is: in my medical opinion... and as a man of science I do noy say this lightly... That eye socket is haunted. [Medic turns around to pack up his supplies. Demoman looks at him suspiciously] Demoman: Wait, why don't I remember any o' this? Medic: Oh, that. I scooped that part of your brain out so you'd stop asking me. [Demoman points a finger forward with a dumbfounded look for a moment, but then washes his questions away with a swig from his hydrogen peroxide bottle] Demoman: ...Aye, fair enough. [Demoman stands up suddenly] Demoman: Hold on. I did just ask you. Medic (Shrugging): *Sigh* I know. Sadly, brain-scooping is not an exact science. [Medic puts a hand on Demoman's back] Medic: My advice would be to try not to remember things. [Demoman puts a finger to his head, focusing] Demoman: Don't remember things. Got- [Demoman suddenly gets a nosebleed and leans back, seemingly stunned as Medic watches. He suddenly runs off happily, apparently forgetting everything that had happened, even the Medic's name itself. Medic waves a hand in the air and smiles.] Medic: That's the spirit! Also, your leg is fixed. I even gave it its own little brain! So get out there and let's see what that does. Demoman (Smiling but oblivious): You've got it, kindly stranger! [With Demoman gone, Medic gets on his knees and packs up his supplies in a large health pack, whistling. Suddenly, two pair of feet appear behind him.] Voice: Frankenstein. [Medic turns around as the the large frame of the TFC Heavy approaches from behind him, Gray Mann's Life-Extender machine in his hand] TFC Heavy: Here's what's gonna happen. We're going back to your lab. And we're gonna figure out how to stitch this thing into me. [Medic brings a hand down near his health pack, careful not to make sudden movements] Medic: Of course. Let's get you on an operating table and- TFC Heavy: -And you'll put me under and you'll kill me. I ain't stupid. No, you're gonna tell my guy how to do it. Medic (keeping his eyes on TFC Heavy): Please. I am a Doctor. You will not die on my table. [The comic panel reveals what Medic was reaching for: his Ubersaw.] Medic: I'll just kill you here. [Medic gets up and uses his Ubersaw to slash at the TFC Heavy's face. TFC Heavy stumbles and clutches his face, bleeding from a deep gash. It has started to rain.] TFC Heavy: AGH! What... [TFC Heavy looks defeated, but suddenly glares at Medic, blood pouring from his wound] TFC Heavy: What the HELL did you just do. [Before TFC Heavy can react, Medic stabs him in the left side of his stomach, leaving his Ubersaw deeply embedded in his chest. He bravely keeps his gaze on the surprised TFC Heavy.] Medic: Here. Let me show you. [TFC Heavy falls onto the muddy floor; Medic adjusts his glasses, seemingly winning the fight. To his surprise and horror, TFC Heavy grabs onto the Ubersaw and pulls it out of his stomach while standing up.] Medic: Dear god... [TFC Heavy throws the bloodied Ubersaw on the ground, and menacingly walks towards Medic with a air of rage. The rain bounces off his shoulders.] TFC Heavy: You've been a coward since the day I hired you. I gotta say... I did NOT see that comin'. But now? Now you got my full attention. [TFC Heavy dashes forward and clotheslines Medic with a flexed arm, knocking his glasses off and forcing him straight onto the muddy ground.] TFC Heavy: RRRRAGGH! [TFC Heavy sits on Medic and pins him to the ground, one arm pressed hard against his face. Medic begins to beg for his life while TFC Heavy keeps a crazed smile on his face.] Medic: Wait, WAIT! THE MACHINE! You still NEED ME! I'm the only one- TFC Heavy: Nah. You were just the closest. The old woman. She knows. And now I know where she is. Hirin' you was the biggest mistake I ever made, Doc. You been sewin' god-knows-what into us for MONTHS... Now it's my turn. How about I start by sawing your @#$%ing arms off? [Zoom in onto TFC Heavy's bleeding face, spitting blood from his wound as he talks] TFC Heavy: And sewing 'em up your- [He is interrupted by a Minigun barrel nudging his face - Heavy stands behind him, revved-up Minigun ready to fire] Heavy: Do not hit Doctor. [TFC Heavy looks back, barely turning his head] TFC Heavy: Ah, the big guy. Finally. Heard a lot about you, big man. [TFC Heavy turns around and shrugs with a goofy smile] TFC Heavy: I ain't gonna lie. I've been lookin' forward to this. [TFC Heavy closes his eyes and covers his head, apparently surrendering] TFC Heavy: Y'got me dead to rights here. Go on then. Do it. [Heavy responds by dropping his still-spinning Minigun, standing akimbo with his preferred weapons: his Fists.] Heavy: You want a good death? I can give this to you. [While Heavy talks, TFC Heavy pulls out a pistol from his clothes and stands up] Medic (Still on the foor): ...He has a gun... Heavy: Coward. I should have known you would not want fair fight. TFC Heavy: See, here's the thing... [TFC Heavy grins and, without looking away from Heavy, fires two fatal shots into Medic's chest] TFC Heavy: That's EXACTLY what I want. [Heavy stares at his dying Doctor with a blank expression] Heavy: You... you killed Doctor. [TFC Heavy flings his empty firearm away, fist clenched] TFC Heavy: Yeah, you caught that, huh? Two on one. That sound fair to you? You want a fair fight, big man? Now you got one. [The words seem to fall on Heavy's empty ears - his expression turns angier with each word he utters] Heavy: You... KILLED... [Heavy delivers a full hook onto the TFC Heavy, completely enraged] Heavy: ... DOCTOR!

Page 124-148: Soldier's Honey Fight + TFC Heavy Powers Up

[The scene then switches to TFC Soldier and TFC Scout in a weapons storage room.] TFC Soldier: Locked and loaded, you got everything you need? TFC Scout: Well... I got bullets in my gun, if that's what you mean. But no, Ross. I don't got everything i need. TFC Soldier: Aw, man. Not this again, Greg. TFC Scout: The boss going crazy? Trying to live forever? It just... How much time do we really have left? TFC Soldier: Greg. I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff right now, but we got men to kill here. TFC Scout: Why? For money? Ross, when has money ever made you happy? TFC Soldier: Aw, man. TFC Scout: What would you give right now to go back and do it all over? Do it right this time. Follow our dream. [TFC Scout stands up, looks at TFC Soldier, and holds his hand on his shoulder] TFC Soldier: Aw, man. TFC Scout: Think about it. That old safehouse in Newark? We clear those grenade crates out... It'd make a hell of an orphanage, wouldn't it? TFC Soldier: Greg... Are we doing this? TFC Scout Let's do this. (Both of the men put a smile on their face) We are going to have an endless supply of kids to... (Then their smiles drop) Ross, why are you covered in gasoline? [TFC Soldier and Scout look up, seeing Pyro who has put on the pilot light of their Flamethrower] [Cuts to Scout and Miss Pauling fighting against swarms of robots] Scout: Where is everybody? We're gettin' frickin' swarmed here! Miss Pauling: I don't know! Did Spy just leave? Scout: Yeah, leavin's about all he's good for, trust me. And what the heck happened to Pyro? He- [A building behind Scout and Miss Pauling explodes] Scout: Oh, there he is. [Scout and Miss Pauling look in a different direction] Scout: Hey, there's Soldier 'n' Zhanna! And they,re... ...they're... [Scout looks disturbed and Miss Pauling somewhat confused] [Cuts to Soldier and Zhanna fighting against robots, both being naked and covered with honey] Soldier: See? What did I tell you? I've done this a million times! The wind on your skin! The looks of terror on your enemy's and teammate's faces! Zhanna: At first I am agreeing with everyone that this is tactically and morally and sanitarily wrong! But now I see! I have never felt so free! [Soldier, on top of a pile of robot bodies, throws a Sniper robot into the air] Soldier: You said it, son! There are no barriers between us and the naked carnage we are committing! [Zhanna looks at a Scout robot about to hit it with a Shovel attached to her arm] Zhanna: Yes! The nudity! The violence! I love you, and I love America! Soldier: Then show these bolt@#$%ers how much you love it, sister! [Zhanna decapitates the Scout robot with a single shovel swing] Zhanna: RRRRAGGH! [Cuts to Scout and Miss Pauling, still confused/disturbed] Scout: Why, uh... Why don't we go fight somewhere less... naked. Miss Pauling: You go ahead. I'll catch you up. [Cut to Saxton Hale and Maggie who are about to fight a squadron of robots] Maggie: Admit it, Sax- You're gonna miss this. [Cut to a stone wall, through which TFC Heavy is suddenly thrown] TFC Heavy: *Kaff kaff* Alright, look! You made your point! Would you stop for a @#$%ing second and listen? *Kaff* I've got an immortality machine. You get what I'm saying here? We could both live for- [Heavy headbutts TFC Heavy, after which he lifts him up and bashes his back against his knee] Heavy: You killed my friend. [TFC Heavy attempts to grab a pistol lying on the ground, which Heavy then kicks away] Heavy: I do not need to live forever. Just long enought to sit here... ...and watch you die. TFC Heavy: NNGH! [Heavy looks behind him to an ominous light] TFC Heavy: You might not wanna sit down just yet, big guy... [Shows TFC Heavy who has put a life-extender machine (The one from Gray Mann) into the hole in his chest that Medic earlier made] TFC Heavy: *Hnn* ...Gettin' this thing workin'... *Hnn* ...was a lot less complicated than I thought.

Page 149-188: Scout's visit to Heaven

[Now, the comic cuts to Sniper and Spy, after they killed the TFC Sniper] Sniper: I wonder where the others are... Spy: Yes, I was wondering the same thing. Except about your pants. And when you'll be putting some on. Sniper: It's nothin' but robots and rubble here, mate. We're not exactly sneakin' through a pants store. Spy: I still don't see why you couldn't have stolen pants of the dead man. Sniper: Y'do know what people do in their pants when they die, right? Spy: Yes. I am aware. It would still be preferable. Sniper (Pointing at Spy): 'Ere, I've got an idea. Give us your coat. [Spy looks "shocked"] Sniper: I said give us y- Spy (Interrupting Sniper): I heard... exactly... what you said. Spy, (Now annoyed): Bushman, this is a $10,000 custom-tailored Louis Crabbemarché jacket. The clot is from silkworms raised at a suit microfarm in Tuscany, from a secret pattern passed down by monk tailors since the seventeenth century. I will let you use it as an adult diaper... when you pry it off of my cold, dead... (Spy looks surprised/shocked from something) ...body. [Cuts to Spy and Sniper looking at Scout, who apparently had beaten a bunch of robots] Scout (Looking exhausted): Oh, hey guys. See all these robots? That's me. I did that. Last one got a couple of lucky swings in though. How'm I lookin'? Does it look bad? It looks good right? Yeah, I'll probably be okay. Man, am I tired by the way. Sniper (Looking at Spy, who is disappointing/embarrassed): Mate. Spy: *sigh* Yes. I know. Give us a moment. [Spy goes to talk with Scout] Spy: Scout. There's something I need to tell you. Scout: Yeah? Okey doke. Make it quick though. I am real tired for some reason. Spy: I... I'll be right back. Scout: Okay. (Shining light is directed towards Scout) Oh hey, a bright light, that's somethin' I could walk toward... [The source of light appears to be Tom Jones, whom Spy is presumably disguised as.] Tom Jones: What's new, pussycat? Scout (Being amazed): Oh my god. I knew you'd come, Tom Jones. Tom Jones: Scout... Do you know my hit song, Sex Bomb? Scout: Psh. I'm an alive human on earth ain't I? Check this crap out. [Scout lifts his shirt, showing a "Sex Bomb" tattoo on his chest, spelled incorrectly as "Sex Bom" Tom Jones: It's a Sex Bomb tattoo. Scout: Yeah it is. Tom Jones: Spelled incorrectly. Scout: Yeah it is. Wait, is it? [Tom Jones and Scout both take a more serious look] Tom Jones: Scout, 27 years ago I dropped a "Sex Bomb" on your mother. I was young then, and I ran from the explosion. But now the fallout of that Sex Bomb has caught up with me. This is where the analogy starts to break down, so if it's alright with you I'll retire the Sex Bomb metaphor now. Scout: Yeah, sure. Tom Jones: Thank you. (He sits down next to Scout) You're stronger than you'll ever know, Jeremy. I'm proud of you. I've always been proud of you. Son. Scout (Just about to pass out): Frickin'... awesome. [After Scouts death, Spy removes his disguise, and the screen turns black.] [Then, Scout finds himself, presumably in Heaven, with God (or at least Scouts impersonation of him) himself in front of him.] Scout (Dazed): Whoa! Where am I? God: Boom! You're in Heaven, dummy! [God takes Scout for a walk] God: Thank god you're dead! Now we can finally hang out! You like foosball? Scout: Holy crap, you guys got a foosball table up here? God: "A" foosball table? Oh, dearest child [God shows 3 foosball tables, and a vending machine to Scout] Scout: (Amazed): Three foosball tables! Holy crap, Heaven is the best! God: Scout... can I ask you a favor? Scout: For you, God? Name it. God: Can you... flex for me? Just once? Scout (Talking to himself): Okay... okay... gotta focus... you're flexin' for God here... This is the most important flex you'll ever do probably. Here we go. Let there be... (Scout presumably does a magnificent flex, at least according to God) FLEX God: Too... bright! Too glorious! (Then afterwards) God: So... man to man... The ladies back on earth. They've all lain with you, right? Scout: What? No! Why, were they supposed to? God: What? @#$%ing... yes! You were my GIFT to them! Scout: Geez, that's what I've been saying God: Of all the ungrateful... Ooo, that does it. I am gonna send a... plague, or a flood or... Oh, why even be clever? I'm just going to blow up the earth. Scout: Aw. come on, God. Don't destroy humanity. They're good people at heart. Just a buncha dum-dums tryin' their best. God: *Sigh* Fine. I'll send you back. But I swear, this is their last chance to all have sex with you. Well, you'd better get going. ...Oh, and Scout? Scout: Yeah, God? God: I wish you were my son. Scout: Yeah you do. But I already got a dad. And his name is Tom Jones God: Tom Jones? But your father isn't- (God corrects himself) Oh, right. Yes, Tom Jones. Is... Tom Jones is your father. [Tom Jones appears, coming from presumably a steam room.] Tom Jones: What's new, pussycats? Man, I just dropped a Sex Bomb on that steam room! Say, who's up for some foosball? How about you, young fella? You look like- (Tom Jones then gets necksnapped by an angel) Scout: What was that crackin' noise? God: We're making popcorn you need to go [God farewells Scout as he leaves Heaven] God: See you in December 4th, 1987! Scout: It's a date! Later, guys! [Back at Sniper and Spy about to leave the dead Scout] Sniper: Should we bury 'im? Spy: If you're hiding a Shovel, rinse it off and give it to me. I could use a weapon. [Scout then comes back to life, much to Sniper's amazement, and Spy's disgust:] Scout: *cough* Sniper: Well, I'll be... Spy: You have got to be @#$%ing kidding me.

Page 189-225: Climax of Heavy VS Heavy, Medic's visit to Hell

[Cuts to Soldier and Zhanna fighting against robots, still naked and covered in honey] Soldier: There's another wave coming! Lube me up, sweetie! I am going out in a blaze of honey! Zhanna: Bottle is empty. Soldier: What? We cannot fight unlubricated! Then we would just be naked. What else we got? Zhanna: Oh! Here are drums of gasoline! Soldier: Zhanna, you are a genius! Now you can light me on fire! Zhanna: Yes! I will light us both on fire! Soldier: Oh, you are gonna love it! Our eyes will be the first to boil away! The ears will be the next thing to go. (Then they begin to thing about it twice) On second thought do not light us on fire. [A phone is seen ringing] Soldier: Zhanna, look! We killed so many robots Miss Pauling is buried under a pile of them. I am concerned for her! But also proud of us! Zhanna: Yes, she made a worthy sacrifice. She will be missed. Soldier: Right, but... She is clearly still alive. Zhanna: Ugh. Yes, fine. [Zhanna goes to lift Miss Pauling from under the pile of robots] Miss Pauling: ...Phone phone phone phone... Oof. Come on, come on. [Miss Pauling answers the phone; the one calling is the Engineer] Miss Pauling: Administrator! It's Pauling. I'm here. Engineer: H'lo, Miss Pauling. Miss Pauling: Engie? Where have you been? Where are you? Engineer: Well now, I can't say where I am. But I am with her. An' I hate to put a rush on it... ...But I'm gonna need that Australium y'all were lookin' for. Miss Pauling: Engie, it's gone, it's... it's... ...Well, it's sort of in space. I'm so sorry Engineer: Oh, man. This is bad. Miss Pauling: *sigh* Yeah. I know. Look... ...it's my fault. Just... put her on. I'll give her the bad news. Engineer: Well, she can't come to the phone right now. She's dead. I'll have her call ya back. (Engineer ends the call) Miss Pauling: Wait, what? Hello? Engie? [Zhanna comes to see what Miss Pauling is doing] Zhanna: Who is on phone? Miss Pauling: Zhanna, can I tell you a secret? Zhanna: Yes, this is fine. Miss Pauling: I... that was my boss. She's planning something big She's been planning it her whole life. For a lot of lifetimes, actually. And I think I screwed it all up. Zhanna: You have broken something. So you will fix it. And we will help. Miss Pauling: Thanks. And... and I want you to know I'm sorry. For what I said at back there in the submarine. You are a part of the team. Zhanna: Thank you. You are weak woman, but you have strong skull. Miss Pauling, I also want to tell you you a secret. Miss Pauling: What? Um. Yeah. Of course. Zhanna: Stay away from my man. Miss Pauling: What. [Zhanna points at Soldier, still naked, who is presumably inspecting robot pieces, has his (naked) posterior facing Pauling and Zhanna, which Miss Pauling is disgusted by] Zhanna: I see you watching him. I understand. Look at this. Any woman would want this. [Soldier turns upside down, viewing the Miss Pauling and Zhanna from between his legs] Soldier: What are you gals gabbing about? Zhanna: I am telling Miss Pauling I will kill her if she looks at you again. Soldier: I knew it! For shame, Miss Pauling! You are my boss! You have been undressing me with your eyes since we escaped! Miss Pauling: My eyes would have to dress you first! Because you have been literally naked the entire time we've been on this island! Soldier: I have fought naked my whole life. But I have never felt naked until this moment. For shame, Miss Pauling. For shame Miss Pauling: Ugh. You idiots Why can't you be... (Spy, (naked) Sniper, and Scout arrive) ...professionals Soldier: Hello, naked Sniper. Sniper: Hey. [Cut to Heavy and TFC Heavy fighting each other, the TFC Heavy having regained power with the life-extender machine] [TFC Heavy punches Heavy's face with his right hand, and then smacks him in the chest with his left knee] TFC Heavy (grabbing Heavy's neck and head with both hands): Heh heh heh... [Cuts to Medic's corpse with the Heavies fighting in the background] [Zooming in on the corpse's surprised face] Voice: Very impressive, Mr. Ludwig. [Cut to Medic, in Hell, in the front of the Devil] Devil: I've been looking through your file. You've been a real monster up there. Honestly, you probably would have ended up here anyway. I feel silly that we even bothered with a contract. I'd say you got the better of us on this one. Still, a deal's a deal, and here you are. I'm sure you'll find the paperwork in order. (handing Medic the paperwork) If you could just initial by your original signature, we'll get you out of here and on your way to Hell. Medic: (looking at the papers) Yes, let's see... Oh! Now this is interesting. Here in article nine section seven it says the contract is only binding if you own a majority stake in my soul... so... Devil: But... we own all of your soul. You sold it to us. Medic: Ah! Originally, yes, this was the case. But you see, I've since surgically added eight more. However, I do concede that with 1/9th ownership, you have certainly earned a seat on the board of directors of my souls. So! Let's put it to a vote: Who thinks I should go to hell? [After looking at the Medic, Devil raises his hand] Medic: Excellent! So that's one vote for hell and eight for Heaven. If you could call me a car... [The Devil outbursts in rage and flames, with Medic covering his ears and having his eyes closed] Devil: We will... not be... DENIED! Medic: Well... Aheh. There is another option. If you were to send me back to earth, say, for another fifty years... Well. You're a clever man. You tempted me once, after all. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to trick me out of my other eight souls. (Medic looks at a pen on the Devil's desk) In fact: that's a lovely looking pen! [Devil and Medic look at each other, the former confused and the latter grinning] Medic: I said that's a lovely looking pen. Devil: Would you give me a soul for this- Medic: (interrupting) I would! [Medic takes the Devil's pen, while Devil himself looks slightly confused] Medic: (walking away) Ohhhh, what have I done? See, you're well on your way! I don't like my chances. At any rate, I should really get going.

Page 226-274: Finale

[Back in the real world, TFC Heavy has an upper hand against Heavy] TFC Heavy: I'll give ya this... For a buncha losers, you guys sure are hard to kill. Heavy: You are a coward. TFC Heavy: *HHH* You think I care? Winnin's winnin', pal. Voice *cough* Excuse me. [The voice is revealed to be Medic, back from the dead, and holding the Devil's pen, much to TFC Heavy's suprise] Medic: Could I trouble you for a moment? TFC Heavy: Frankenstein? But I shot- How- Is that a pen? Medic: At one point, yes. Now it's a detonator. More of an inductor, really. I'm terrible at naming things. Either way, it induces labor. TFC Heavy: In what? Medic: (grinning evilly) In the baboon uterus I put inside you. I think I gave you... yes, triplets. Three healthy baboon fetuses. Maybe four! I've lost count. The important thing is when I press this button, they will instantly grow into fully developed baby baboons in your abdomen. On the small end, they're usually about 30 pounds at birth. Although a healthy male can reach up to 80 pounds! And that's without the fertility hormones I've been putting to your rations! So... (putting his hand on the pen) who's ready to be a mother? TFC Heavy (confused): A-Are you kidding me? Medic: Of course I'm kidding you. It's a pen. TFC Heavy: Huh? No- (The distraction created by Medic was enough for Heavy to get up and tear off the life-extender machine out of TFC Heavy's chest) AUUUUUUGH! You... idiots. I could've... I could've lived... ugh... ah, #$%@. [With the TFC Heavy defeated, Heavy and Medic face each other, both smiling] Heavy: Is good to have you back, doctor. Medic: It is good to be back, my friend. Heavy: Heh. Baboon tripets. Steroids. Pregnancy pen. Only you could come up with bluff that insane, doctor. Medic: Oh, it was nothing. Any field Medic worth his bone saw is skilled at the art of improvisation. (Medic looks into his supply pack) Where is... ah! There. (Medic has taken a device out of his pack) Heavy: What is this. Medic: The actual baboon pregnancy inductor. I simply couldn't get to my medical kit in time. [With the Heavy very confused now, Medic continues:] Medic: Three baboons! How preposterous. The human body can gestate one, maybe two baboons at most. (Medic activates the device with a click) Anyway. [The scene then moves to the rest of the team, fighting against the last of the robots, with Soldier and Zhanna putting on clothes] Saxton Hale: And that's the last of the robots, lads! Scout: Look, there's Heavy and Medic! [Miss Pauling approaches the dying TFC Heavy and Heavy next to him, who is enjoying a Sandvich at the time] Miss Pauling: Oh, no. No no no! (Miss Pauling grabs the remains of the life-extender machine) Not this too! It's... It's all gone. TFC Heavy: How... the Hell... did you beat us? We spent six months huntin' down her best. Echelon. Citadel. Team Vanguard, for God's sake. We got 'em all. We beat her. All she had left was you rejects. How... the Hell... Miss Pauling: You wanna know how we beat you? I honestly have no #£%@# clue. Maybe it was just luck. Maybe it was something else. Medic (interrupting): It's because we don't have souls. Miss Pauling: What? Medic: Well, they don't. But– Nothing, carry on. Miss Pauling: I don't know what to tell you. But either way... [Cuts to show the entire TF team, with the addition of others: Maggie, Saxton Hale, Soldier, Zhanna, Heavy, Medic (who is holding a baboon baby), Miss Pauling, Spy, Scout, Pyro, Demoman and Sniper] Miss Pauling: We're Team Fortress and you're dead. [TFC Heavy looks confused, after which he dies] Miss Pauling (to Spy): Nice. I managed to get the whole speech out before he died this time. Spy: You're getting very good at saying horrible things to dying men, Miss Pauling. Miss Pauling: Right? [Screen turns black, after which an advanced life-extender machine is turned on, which revives the Administrator, and shows Engineer and the Administrator in a facility in the middle of a desert] Administrator: How long? Engineer: 'Bout four hours this time. Talked to Pauling. The New Zealand cache is gone. Administrator: How much do we have left? Engineer: Uh... well. This. (holding a vial of Australium) This here's the last bit of Australium on earth, ma'am. Administrator: No. No, that's unacceptable. We'll simply have to find more. Engineer: Ma'am. There is no more. Administrator: (facing the glass window) There is always more, Mister Conagher. We just have to find it. Engineer: I don't think you're hearin' me, ma'am. Not this time. It's gone Administrator: Shut... (Administrator scratches the glass) ...Up! (she punches the glass, which shows cracks from the impact) Administrator: (rubbing her bloodied hand) Mister Conagher... Would you escort me to my private quarters, please? [In the Administrator's private quarters, Engineer is enjoying himself a, probably coffee, while the Administrator is browsing a wardrobe] Engineer: Ma'am, I... I know this ain't easy. But with the mark 5, this much could still getcha five, six months of life. Administrator: It's not just for me. Engineer: Right. That "old debt" you been settlin'. You think maybe it's time you told me about that? My family's been working for you for... well, a long damn time. You never told me. An' I never asked. I am sorry that whatever you were tryin' to accomplish here, you didn't get to. I truly am. But ma'am, it is over. Administrator: No. You're right. I've tried to keep this going as long as I could. I... I even thought I was done once. I still crave it... (The Administrator looks at the vial of Australium...) ...As much as I did when I was a little girl. (looking at presumably her young self-reflection on the glass vial) I don't think I'll ever stop wanting it. It's become... everything. But you're right. It's over. And if I'm going to call an end to all of it... well... (Engineer looks at the Administrator and drops his cup out of shock, spilling its contents) Well. Why not look my best? Engineer: You used all of it? Ma'am! You... you just cut yourself down from six months to an hour! If you're lucky! [Engineer is shocked about what the Administrator, who now looks like a young lady, with her eyes glowing the colour of the element, has not only done, but is about to do] Administrator: More than enough time. Let's end this. Once and for all. TO BE CONCLUDED