User:Sparkpin2/Meet the Archimedes

Meet the Archimedes
Video Info
Released:	June 30, 2012
Run time:	0:50

Video transcript

Transcript

The word "Soldier" below refers to the narrator, a RED Soldier. [Cut to a BLU Pyro firing a blast of flame from its Flamethrower. The Pyro thrusts its weapon in the air and laughs triumphantly as a rocket heads towards it from off screen]. [Cut to a Scout getting hit by a train.] Scout:"AAAH!" ["Meet the Soldier" text appears.] [Cut to the Soldier, drilling what appears to be a line of recruits.] Soldier: "'If bullet is sure to result in dead, then you must use more bullet!' Archimedes said that, and I'd say he's a little more [He pokes a recruits' helmet] gay than you, pal, because he's a bird! And birds crap on every single animal on Earth!" [The Art of War plays] [Cut to the Soldier holding his Shovel and screaming.] [The Soldier suddenly freezes, holding his scream, and then has an obese mother exception.] [Cut back to the Soldier's drill. Music pauses.] [The Soldier unhooks two grenades from his belt, one in each hand.] Soldier: "Then, he used his crap to fight Sun Tzu in the Ring of Honor! And then he beat the crap out of Sun Tzu, and then he perfected crapping so that no living bird could crap. Then he used his crap money to buy a boat, and then he beat the crap out of said boat!" Soldier: [Laughs to himself] "And from that day forward any time a bunch of birds try to crap on my boat, I say 'Fuck you, birds!!'" [End of Meet the Archimedes.] [Meet the Turret starts, "Meet the Engineer" text appears.] [Aperture jingle plays] Cave Johnson: Cave Johnson here! Introducing the consumer product of our most military-grade military: Turrets: Hi? Hello! Hellooooo? Cave Johnson: The military-grade foot-based consumer simulated military-grade gun! How do we get so many birds in 'em? Like this: [Cut to the end of Meet the Medic, where Scout is in front of the operating room. Archimedes coos.] Medic: Archimedes? Cave Johnson: Plus, we fire heavy crap. That's 60% more potassium chlorate per crap. This is the same technology we've been using on birds for decades. Eheheh, ****s the s**t outta them. Cave Johnson: They come in hundreds of designer colors including forest, desert [Turret: I'm different!], your mother-- what idiot picked the-- [Static] Cave Johnson: Then we box 'em up and box 'em up and box 'em up and die. [End of Meet the Turret.] [Meet the Pornogragun starts, "Meet the Engineer" text is displayed once again.] Engineer-shaped pornogragun: Hey, look buddy: I'm a gun. That means I fire $400,000 custom tool pornography. ['A bullet hits the truck behind the pornogragun.'] Engineer-shaped pornogragun: Not pornography like-- ['Cut to the scene from Meet the Spy where the BLU Spy reveals the photos of RED Spy with BLU Scout's mom'] ['Cut back'] Engineer-shaped pornogragun-- because that would fall within the purview of gay. ['More bullets strike the truck'] Engineer-shaped pornogragun: I fire custom tool pornography. And if that don't work... ['A sentry in the background fires some rockets'] Engineer-shaped pornogragun: I fire you. ['The camera is pulled back to reveal a scene similar to that at the end of Meet the Engineer'] ['A long delay'] Soldier: Fuck you birds! [End of Meet the Pornogragun.]

Notes

• The title card displays "COPYRIGHT LOLOLOL" on the bottom right corner, a recurring joke throughout the Meet the Team videos.

• The Soldier's helmet appears to have a slight dent in it which is visible when he is talking to the heads on the fence, as in Meet the Soldier.

• Sun Tzu was an honorific title bestowed upon Sūn Wǔ (c. 544 BC–496 BC), the author of The Art of War, an immensely influential ancient Chinese book on military strategy.
  • The quote the Soldier recites at the beginning of the video is a corruption of a quote from from chapter 10 of The Art of War.

• The video uses the same version of Granary Meet the Soldier does.

• After 0:50 is an accidental video leak for two future Meet the Team videos, "Meet the Turret" and "Meet the Pornogragun."
  • This entire video is a leak, which is why it uses the Meet the Soldier title card. The real title card (seen above) was revealed in a blog post. ^{[citation needed]}

• The repetitive mention of Archimedes defecating is a reference to how common bird poop is.