User:Kibblekip/Sandbox/A Visual History/Transcript

A Visual History

[The comic opens the day prior at Dustbowl, with the RED Heavy, Soldier and Scout walking away from a burning battlefield injured, the Scout bleeding from his ear] Heavy: I cannot believe our guns break in middle of battle. Again. Soldier: In America, comrade, we do not blame the tool. We blame the man. Scout: I blame a Mann alright. Mann Co. This stuff is junk! Seriously, look at this! My earpiece melted inside my skull here! That's like three times now! Soldier: Ladies, clearly I cannot talk to you as I would men. So I will sugarcoat this with your fancy college talk. Either we find a just-in-time solution to resynergize our paradigm, or we will be thinking inside the box. Six feet under the ground. [A bright, white-blue light emits from over the hill] Scout: Holy crap! Hey fellas, look at this! [They stand atop the hill, looking down at a futuristic, grey and white building. Atop the building is a large, obscured sign resembling an apple] Soldier: Was... was that there yesterday? Heavy: Is so... white. Scout: It looks like some kinda hospital for fruit! [The scene cuts to inside the building, where two employees reside; a man wearing a hat, and a woman. Some computers and displays can be seen on desks] Trent: Hey there, guys! My name's Trent! This is Jessica! Jessica: Hi you guys! Let us know if you need anything, okay? [The mercs stand together speechless and bewildered, when suddenly...] Scout: GIRL! I got this one, guys. Jessica: Hi! Can I- Scout: Guess who was just in a battle? Don't bother guessin', 'cause it was me! See this blood? I got no idea whose it is! Not mine, anyway! Yeah-ha! Well, most of it. The blood comin' out of my head's mine. You got any wireless headsets you could show me? Jessica: We, uh... have one right there! Scout: Ah. You mean this one... here? [Scout points to the side and 'flexes', with the text 'FLEX' for emphasis, visibly straining himself. An image of some tickets covers his arm, reading 'ADMIT ONE GUN SHOW'] Jessica: I... don't know what's happening right now. Are you flexing? Scout: What? NNGH! No. (Must... flex... harder.) [Scout visibly sweats, with the text 'PAINFUL FLEX' for emphasis. He is revealed to be pointing at a wireless headset] Scout: I was just... rrg! Casually pointing at this headset. This is my... rngf! Natural pointing stance. Jessica: Oh. Okay. Anyway, that's it there. You found it. Scout: Yeah I did. (Heh. Ol' flexy. Never fails.) [Meanwhile, Trent is showing Heavy a futuristic-looking version of the Minigun] Trent: ...and the bullets biodegrade once they hit flesh, leaving nothing behind but a blog post. Heavy: Bullet will update blog with kill count? Trent: In real time, sir! Heavy: I do not have blog. Trent: The bullets are programmed to set one up for you! Heavy: I like this gun. [Suddenly, the Soldier holds up a shovel, angrily] Soldier: Judases! I have used this Mann Co. shovel for twelve years! It does not blog! It does not biodegrade! It barely digs holes! But it is mine and aggggh it is on fire! [The shovel abruptly bursts into flames. Trent quickly comes in with a small fire extinguisher to put it out] Trent: Uh oh! Let me take care of that for you, sir! Soldier: Bah! This shovel bursts into flame(sic) so often my hand is a fireproof mass of scar tissue! You hippies have nothing that I need! [The now-extinguished Soldier looks over at Jessica, who has a laptop connected to a pig with an apple in its mouth] Jessica: You'll like this, sir. Soldier: I will not! Keep pushing me, sister, and I will plant my carbon footprint so far up your is that a pig? Jessica: Yep! You just plug it into the FireWire port. Soldier: Is that pig cooking? Jessica: Already cooked! Who wants bacon, ribs, pork chops and ham? Soldier: Yes, yes, I do, and yes. Voice: STOP... [Suddenly, Saxton Hale bursts through the window, with the text 'PROPERTY DAMAGE' for emphasis] Saxton Hale: ...RIGHT THERE! The name's Saxton Hale! Australian! CEO of Mann Co! And the man who's gonna burn this place to the ground! I make square, unsafe products for men! Not white little egg things with no sharp edges and only one button! Look at this tiny thing! It's not on fire! How do you even know it's on? [He picks up and pushes a button on a small, grey device, with the text 'BRAVE PRESS!' for emphasis. In the following panel, a TV screen in the background reads the news] Saxton Hale: Ha! Mysterious button, you just got pressed by Saxton Hale! News Reporter: This just in! Someone has blown up the moon! [The screen changes to an image of an exploded moon, with the text 'UP NEXT... The Moon: Taken Too Soon', while music plays] Music: ♪...hope you had the ti-ii-me, of your life...♬ Saxton Hale: Enh? [Jessica stands infront of Saxton Hale] Jessica: That's our newest product. The iBlewUpTheMoon. Saxton Hale: Are you saying... I just...? Jessica: Yep! Saxton Hale: Well, that is fantastic. [The angle shifts to a close-up of Saxton Hale's face. The text 'A BOLD NEW PLAN!' appears above him] Saxton Hale: Let me see your manager. Because I am buying your company. [Suddenly, the store manager appears, pulling up their sleeve, as Saxton Hale points at them] Store manager: No sale, Hale! Saxton Hale: You! I should have known! This place has your curvy stink all over it! NEXT ISSUE! WHEN TITANS CLASH!