User:Kibblekip/Sandbox/Loose Canon/Transcript

Loose Canon

[The comic opens in the present day, with the BLU Engineer at the mansion of Blutarch Mann, as an elderly woman approaches him] Elderly Woman: Mister Conagher? Mister Mann will see you now. Engineer: Yes, ma'am. Say, uh... that ain't an original Kicasso, is it? [The angle changes to show them looking at a painting of a man with an unknown beast hiding in a bush behind him, as they walk down the hallway] Elderly Woman: What an excellent eye you have, Mister Conagher. It is. From his "Hunted in the Jungle" period, I believe. Engineer: Why don't you go ahead and call me Dell, ma'am. "Mister Conagher" was my grandfather's name. Elderly Woman: Yes, I remember. [They exchange looks as they approach the door to Blutarch's office] Elderly Woman: How much do you know about his relationship with the Manns, Dell? Engineer: First I've heard he had one, ma'am. Radigan Conagher was not a chatty man. Elderly Woman: Sixty years ago, your grandfather solved a rather... sensitive problem for us. Well... maybe "solved" is too strong a word. But I'm sure Mister Mann will want to tell you about it himself. Oh! One last thing. Even if he offers... do not shake his hand. He forgets sometimes. [The scene changes to the year 1850, where a last will is being read by the mayor. A woman is seen smoking from a cigarette holder] Mayor: "...to my dearest maidservant Elizabeth, I, Zephaniah Mann *, leave the rest and residue of my estate..." "...to my faithful aide and tracker, Barnabus Hale of the savage Australias, I divest complete control of Mann Co., and--" [Suddenly, a cougar breaks through a window, as Barnabus Hale while sitting in a chair grabs it and holds it back, with the text 'COUGAR!' for emphasis.]] Barnabus Hale: Skip me for now, Mayor! I like this cougar's pepper sauce! [The Mayor continues, with the angle changing to the body of Zephaniah Mann wearing a crooked, worn-out black tophat, laying in a casket surrounded by candles] Mayor: "...to my layabout, brain defective sons, Blutarch and Redmond, I leave the greatest curse of all..." "Partnership." [Angle changes to show a young Blutarch and Redmond Mann, both with a bewildered expression] Mayor: "You have wasted your lives bickering over nothing." "And so I leave you dimwits something of consequence over which to feud." [Scene changes to fourty years later, with Radigan sitting in Blutarch's office] Blutarch: Mister Conagher, I'm told you are a man of many ideas and few words. So I'll get straight to the point. Forty years ago, my brother and I inhereted a considerable parcel of land. To share. Naturally, I assembled a team of the world's deadliest mercenaries to take it all by force. [Angle changes to a picture of the original mercenary team, followed by Blutarch in his chair hooked up to a life-support machine, with a lady standing next to him] Blutarch: What I did not expect was my idiot brother would think to do the same. My ten-minute land grab became an intractable stalemate. The solution? If I could not take my brother's land... I would simply outlast him for it. Look at my hands, Mister Conagher. [He holds up a hand, admiring it] Blutarch: I have never worked a day in my life with them. They are the smooth hands of a baby. I have mounted an epic campaign of leisure against the ravages of time. Waiting for nature' to do to my brother what my men could not. [His expression then changes to anger, putting his hand on his chin] Blutarch: And yet here we are at the end. And he... won't... DIE. [Angle changes to show a painting of Zephania, Blutarch and Redmond Mann; Zephania has a stiff expression, Blutarch is drawn to appear more handsome and well-rounded, with shining white teeth, and Redmond Mann is depicted more ugly and off-colour, with his hat not fitting correctly] Blutarch: I must outlive my brother. And you must build me a machine to do it. God wants me dead, Mister Conagher. And we are going to defy him. [Angle changes to a close-up of Blutarch's face] Blutarch: Make me a monster. [Radigan looks forward at Blutarch, looks to the side for a moment, before looking back after some time] Radigan: Alright. [The scene changes to later, as Radigan arrives back at his shop, 'Conagher's Tool & Munitions', where he finds Elizabeth waiting inside] Elizabeth: Don't just stand there in the rain, Mister Conagher. Come in., you're soaked to the bone, poor thing. Radigan: Who- Elizabeth: It will save us both a lot of time if you don't ask who I am or how I know what I know. Who I am does not concern you. What I know is that you've agreed to build Blutarch Mann a machine that will prolong his life indefinitely. [Radigan approaches his desk, picking up some documents] Radigan: Yes ma'am. Elizabeth: Mister Conagher, could I possibly convince you not to build this machine? Radigan: No ma'am. Elizabeth: No, I didn't think so. So let me propose an alternative. [She holds up a golden-colored bar. The scene cuts to show a depiction of Australia, with futuristic buildings and aircrafts, with one aircraft trailing a sign reading 'DRINK MORE BEER, MATE!', as well as several Australian people. Everyone, including the women, have a moustache] Elizabeth: For the last forty years the Australians have outpaced the world in technology. And this is confounding, since by all appearances they are a nation of idiots. [Cuts back to Elizabeth and Radigan, the latter of whom clearly intrigued by the golden bar] Elizabeth: Teleportation. Cloaking. The entire spectrum of the moustache sciences. Every one of mankind's innovations now comes from the lager-pickled brain of an Australian. Because of this. Radigan: Gold? Elizabeth: Not gold, Mister Conagher, Australium. Radigan: Uh huh. Why's there a picture of a man boxin' a kangaroo on it? Elizabeth: It's how they choose their king. As I said. Idiots. Idiots rather accidentally stranded atop the planet's only deposit of a transformative new element. They're fanatically secretive about it. But I've spent the last decade hunting it, ounce by ounce. I've managed to amass a hundred pounds. It's yours. [Angle changes, showing the picture of a man boxing a kangaroo] Elizabeth: Think, Mister Conagher—if this element can make a genius out of an Australian... ...what would it do for a man of your faculties? Use it to build Blutarch Mann his immortality machine, if you must. All I ask... ...is that you build one for Redmond Mann as well. [The scene changes back to the present day, with the Engineer at Blutarch's desk. Blutarch is visibly much older and hooked up to a machine by multiple cables, with the elderly woman by his side. An image of the original BLU team can be seen hung on a wall] Blutarch: And then what do you think my rat-stink twin brother did? He built one too, that's what! I'm no closer to beating him than I was a hundred years ago! And what's worse, your lummox of a grandfather didn't even build it right! This infernal thing is a lemon! I've barely cheated death out of a half-century with this pile of junk and it's already breaking down! The way I see it, he was your grandfather! And you're on my payroll! FIX IT! [Engineer inspects the machine with uncertainty as Blutarch watches] Engineer: Sir, I'm, uh... flattered y'all'd think of me, but I have no idea how to fix this. Blutarch: What if you had access to your grandfather's blueprints? Engineer: Well now, that's a different story. Heh, not much hope'a that, though. The old man had 'em- [Blutarch abruptly dumps the blueprints on his desk, dust flying to the sides, with the text 'FUMMPH' for emphasis] Engineer: -buried with him. [Engineer looks to Blutarch with an annoyed expression] Blutarch: Yes, yes, I dug up your grandfather and looted his corpse. If it makes you feel any better, those scribblings have been the bane of my existence for sixty years. I've spent a small fortune trying to decipher them. Gibberish, every last page. You may borrow it. All I ask is that you [He suddenly stops, then begins drooling, much to the confusion of the Engineer] Engineer: Uh... sir? Is he alright? Elderly Woman: Give him a moment, dear. He's just dead. [The machine makes a 'tik' sound, electrifying Blutarch and bringing him back to life] Blutarch: ....rrrRRRAGGHHHHHHHH! [He then grabs the Engineer and pulls him closer] Blutarch: Every day I'm dead a little longer, Mister Conagher. I have seen the other side. There is nothing there. Fix. This. Machine. Engineer: I appreciate that you're my employer, and an old man besides... but if you don't take your goddamn hands off me I will break you in half. Blutarch: Feh. [Blutarch lets go, leaving the Engineer lightly smoking after electrifying him. Cut to later, as the Engineer is inspecting the various blueprints] Blutarch: ["Take your grandfather's notes." "Decipher them." "Learn how to fix my machine." "If you find anything else of interest..."] [Engineer pushes aside the blueprint for the life extender machine, revealing a set of documents labelled 'GUNS' 'MAPS OF AUSTRALIUM CACHES' underneath, which he shows great interest in] Blutarch: ["Remember..." "It's mine." "Bring it directly to me." "Do not build it."] * See issue 97!