Saxton Hale
| “ | I'll beat them to death with my bare hands!
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Saxton Hale is a daring Australian, President and CEO of Mann Co., and the star of many comics series. He is the fourth richest man in America. He was the sixth richest man in America, but surpassed the fifth by wealth and the fourth by killing him in a harpoon duel. His favorite pastimes include fighting, drinking, and battling with ferocious animals. In fact, most kids sleep with a teddy bear at night, but Saxton Hale sleeps with an actual bear that he tamed while in the Brazilian Jungles. His identifying features include a mustache, rippling muscles, a crocodile-tooth lined hat, and a patch of rotating chest hair shaped like Australia. He also refuses to wear clothes on his upper body "for obvious reasons".
Saxton is the most current male of the Hale family to take up the reins of Mann Co. since Zepheniah Mann left its ownership to loyal aide and tracker Barnabas Hale in his last will and testament. His boisterous presence is felt in all areas of the company, from the slogan "We sell products and get in fights" to Gorilla Wrestling Fridays – his attempt at employee morale building. He also fills out customer forms with tick-boxes to either intimidate any product-thieving rivals or commend new inventors submitting a new product idea to him. His inspiring image is also featured on numerous Mann Co. catalogs and promotional materials. He is known (and feared) for his belief in handling customer service issues personally, with his official policy being: "If you aren't 100% satisfied with our product line, you can take it up with me!"
Contents
Notable achievements
- Cutting his way out of "primate hell".
- Teaching his Girl Scout troop, the "Saxtonettes", fire safety tips such as "Grizzly bears burn".
- Fighting off a lion while simultaneously having a haircut.
- Fighting off a cougar while simultaneously listening to the reading of the last will and testament of Zepheniah Mann.
- Single-handedly wiping out the Indonesian Berserker Shark (and making them cry).
- Retrieving a stolen puck from a thieving tortoise despite its Template:W.
- Inventing Jarate, the JAR-Based karate, after kicking a chair across the room in an agitated rage.
- Becoming the wealthiest man in the Western Hemisphere.
- Becoming the fourth richest man in the world.
- Firebombing Template:W from a helicopter.
- Being in no way involved with the explosive death of the American monkeynaut Poopy Joe, nor being anywhere near the launch site at the time.
- Introducing the Crafting system to both the RED and BLU teams in an effort to stop the war.
- Publishing a special issued magazine (at a price of 20 cents per issue, even though it was demanded to be free) to answer questions made by his fans about, among other things, playing Team Fortress 2 on a Mac.
- Discovering the existence of the Internet and starting the Mann Co. Store.
- Purchasing England.
- Having a website made up entirely of absolutely true Saxton Hale facts.
- Killing the perverts at AnagramYourName.com.
- Hosting the First Annual Saxxy Awards.
- Inventing the "high-five".
Mann Co. comics
| Issue | Comic Info |
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Saxton Hale's
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Saxton Hale's Mail Storm had its first and only issue published in March 1964 to help explain the new Federal recall of all 36 million Gold Coast-Tweed personal apple corers, due to their tendency to not only core apples, but fingers, lamps, and small furry animals. When the government demanded the comic be issued for free, Mann Co. responded by raising its usual price of twelve cents an issue to twenty, reasoning that if anyone was going to get something for free, they were going to pay for it. |
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Saxton Hale's Mildly Thrilling Tales |
As the youth movement of the 1960s escalated, manufacturers produced fewer and fewer products for the elderly. By 1963, only four items remained: hats, meat, caskets, and Saxton Hale's Mildly Thrilling Tales. Naked from the forehead down, lying in their coffins gumming Salisbury steak, an entire generation of despondent, forgotten consumers was left with just one thing on which to spend their government checks: Hale's tepid, senior-friendly tales of modest suspense. Saxton Hale Visits His Mother Monthly and Soothing Stories of Familiar Things soon followed. Hale quickly became the wealthiest man in the Western Hemisphere. |
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Girl's Adventure Starring Saxton Hale |
Boy's Adventure with Saxton Hale came under fire from the Senate Subcommittee on Juvenile Delinquency in 1968 for teaching boys aged 6-16, among other things: moral turpitude, arson, vandalism, hippie assault, tax fraud, at-home laryngectomies, car theft, gorilla slaughter, and the Heimlich Maneuver (which had just been invented and was still considered controversial). Pressured by the Senate, Mann Co. changed the name to Girl's Adventure With Saxton Hale, as it was commonly thought at the time that girls couldn't do anything, so any lessons taught to them would be harmless. |
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Saxton Hale's
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Saxton Hale's Barbershop Action capitalized on the brief "haircut" fad of the early 60s. Its breakaway success would lead to the ancillary titles Saxton Hale's Barbershop Romance and Haircut Horrors Starring Saxton Hale's Ghost. By Issue #40, however, the Peacenik movement had gripped America in its filthy, tangled mane, and haircut fiction saw a steep decline. This would be the start of a lifelong feud between Hale and hippies, which would culminate in his firebombing Woodstock from a helicopter. |
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Saxton Hale's
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Saxton Hale's Jungle Brawl debuted in the U.S. in 1962, riding a wave of anti-gorilla sentiment following Russia's successful launch of the first monkey, Vladimir Bananas, into space. America's rage was not isolated to communist primates; that same year, monkeynaut Poopy Joe cruelly dashed the U.S.'s hopes of reaching the stars when its shuttle detonated on takeoff. Brawl was notorious for inflaming human-gorilla tensions during its ten-year run, most famously in issue #50, which was printed with gorillas' blood. Issue #50's print run of 17 million copies left only five gorillas on the planet. |
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Saxton Hale's
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Saxton Hale's Thrilling Tales first arrived on newsstands in 1961 as part of a bold Mann Co. initiative to sidestep an increase on postage costs for their weapons catalogs. The first 64-page issue contained four pages of thrilling tales and sixty pages of ads for exciting new Mann Co. products. But Thrilling's editors quickly discovered that showing Mann Co. founder Saxton Hale using a product in the story itself tripled its sales. Ads were cut to 32 pages to accommodate longer, product placement-based stories. |
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Apple
During the Mac Update, a non-canon comic was released that contained Saxton Hale. In this comic, Saxton Hale smashes through the Apple store's window, as he proclaims that he is going to burn the store to the ground. Saxton picks up a nearby device, presses a button, and then blows up the Moon with the Apple store's product ("iBlewupthemoon"). The product impresses Saxton so much that he decides to purchase the company. However, a figure in a black sweater (presumably Apple CEO Steve Jobs in his trademark turtleneck) appears and declines the offer. Saxton instantly recognizes the man and insults his curvy designs. The comic ends with the title of the next issue When Titans Clash.
Hale mail
The lucky few who sent in the Force-A-Nature order form[1] received an invoice from Saxton Hale himself, sadly informing them that the requested item was out of stock. For compensation, the sender received a signed photo of Saxton Hale standing in front of Template:W with the words "Thanks for writing, little fella!" and a keychain featuring a random Team Fortress 2 class. The letter also advised to keep an eye on their mailbox, as new products could be on the way.
Yet more lucky senders who mailed in the coupon[2] received a letter bearing the Mann Co. logo and the snarling face of Saxton Hale. Inside was a letter informing the recipient that the requested product(s) were out of stock and that they should continue to check their mailbox as new items/legislation could be on the way, as well as several postcards bearing random cover images from the Mann Co. comics.
At this point, Valve asked players not to send any more money due to legal reasons. Valve donated the money they had received to Template:W.
Letter from the Force-A-Nature giveaway; notice the Scout keyring.
A close up of the invoice; at the time of release, the Ambassador had not yet been announced.
Letter from Saxton Hale containing the comic postcards.
Letter from Hale again, this time addressing the creator of the "Guard Dog Update" as seen in the blog entry here.
Related merchandise
Trivia
- Saxton Hale's Thrilling Tales is illustrated by comic artist Template:W.
- Saxton Hale occasionally makes posts on the TF2 Official Website.
- Saxton Hale's name is an anagram for a sexually explicit phrase that Valve may or may not have originally intended, as referenced in the Mann-Conomy Update.
- Saxton Hale is implied to have been in a relationship with the Administrator some time ago, referring to her as a "chain-smoking seductress" and being on first name terms with her.
- One of the blood vessels on Saxton Hale's left bicep is shaped in the form of the lambda symbol (λ), and can be seen on the cover of Mail Storm. This is likely a reference to the Half-Life series of games by Valve.
- Saxton Hale has had a river named after his family.
- In Template:W, Saxton Hale makes a cameo appearance as the Ace of Spades in the Team Fortress 2 card deck.
- A server mod called VS Saxton Hale allows one player, taking on the role of Saxton Hale, on the BLU team to fight against the rest of the players, who are all on the RED team.
- Saxton Hale's chest-hair changed shape into a Christmas tree during Australian Christmas.
- Saxton Hale sent a letter to all Team Fortress 2 and Spiral Knights players on Steam requesting that the player go on a mission to reach the first Clockwork Terminal in Spiral Knights.
- Saxton enjoys kickboxing giraffes.
- Saxton likes to parachute over Mann Co. headquarters and barrel roll into his office.
- Saxton had a moustache by the age of one, as seen in the poster for the Manniversary Update.
- The Saxton Hale Mask, a paper bag with an image of Hale's face, can be obtained by crafting all nine Halloween Masks together.
Related achievements
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Sackston Hale Craft the Saxton Hale Mask. |
See also
References
- ↑ http://www.teamfortress.com/scoutupdate/force-a-nature.htm The Scout Update - Day 5
- ↑ http://www.teamfortress.com/sniper_vs_spy/day04_english.htm The Sniper vs. Spy Update - Day 4
External links
- The Sniper vs. Spy Update - Day 4 (First appearance)
- The Sniper vs. Spy Update - Day 7 (Jarate)
- TF2 Official Website - Sniper vs. Spy Update: Day 7
- TF2 Official Website - Patent Pending: #1308: "GUARD DOG"
- TF2 Official Website - It's a Bloodbath!
- TF2 Official Website - Team Fortress News Roundup
- War! Comic - Saxton Hale
- Saxton Hale Facts website
- The Mann-Conomy Update
