The Naked and the Dead
| The Naked and the Dead | |
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| Comic Strip Info | |
| Released: | January 10th, 2017 |
| Number of pages: | 274 |
| Artist: | makani |
| Writer: | Jay Pinkerton & Erik Wolpaw |
| Colorist: | Maren Marmulla |
The Naked and the Dead (also known as Team Fortress Comics #6) is a comic released on January 10th, 2017. It is the penultimate issue of a seven-part comic series, picking up where Old Wounds left off.
Synopsis
Transcript
Due to the length of this comic, a transcript is necessary. The transcript has been sectioned into smaller story events for convenience.
| Page 1-29: Introduction- Miss Pauling Reawakens |
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| [The story begins with Miss Pauling lying face-down in the middle of a golden desert, covered in sand and with vultures around her. She wakes up with a start, spitting sand out of her mouth.]
Miss Pauling: "Hck! Pfff! Pff! Where the hell...?" [A single unlocked door stands in front of her, seemingly in the middle of nowhere] [Cut to Miss Pauling opening the door and peering in] Miss Pauling: Um. Hello? Voice: Oh, it's you. Well, you might as well come in. [The voice is the Administrator, who is sitting in the middle of a control room lit green by multiple monitors. All of them eerily show live footage of her face] Miss Pauling: Where are we? Administrator: Mm. You know, nobody's ever dropped by that I've been able to ask. This is where I wake up when I die. All the cameras face inward, you see. So all you can look at is yourself. For eternity, presumably. Very poetic. I'm only ever here for an hour or so. Usually I just read magazines and smoke. [Miss Pauling moves closer] Miss Pauling: None of this is real, is it? You're just... this is all in my head. Administrator: If you like. Maybe I'm not here at all. Maybe I'm just a flickering memory in your dying brain. [The Administrator flicks her cigarette slightly, still facing the monitors] Administrator: Or maybe I am real, and we're discussing the nature of reality in my own private hell. In which case, congratulations. You've somehow figured out how to make eternity more boring. Honestly, pick one. I've never had much patience for the abstract. What matters is you've died. And that means you've failed. [Miss Pauling scowls a bit, but keeps talking] Miss Pauling: Okay, yes. I failed. The Australium you sent me to get? It's gone. It's gone, ma'am. [The Administrator rests her hand on her forehead, looking frustrated] Administrator: *Sigh* And of course you just gave up, didn't you. You have no idea how important this is... [Miss Pauling speaks with more desperation] Miss Pauling: So tell me! Administrator, I know you're planning something big. I've always known. And I've never asked. Not once. Because I trusted you. That when we got here, you'd have a place for me. [The Administrator takes a whiff from her cigarette] Administrator: Tell me, Miss Pauling... if you've never questioned my intentions, in a decade under my employ... because you "trusted" me... [The Administrator turn around on her chair and faces Miss Pauling] Administrator: Why are you asking now? [Silence. Miss Pauling poses a single question] Miss Pauling: What is it you want? [The monitors behind her are mysteriously turned off. Suddenly, the Administrator gives a grim look, her fingers touching and her face turning dark.] Administrator: Blood. [The monitors turn on one-by-one. Miss Pauling's eyes begin to show on each screen.] Administrator': It's not enough. [All monitors are turned on, filled with Miss Pauling's horrified expression.] Administrator: I need more. [Comic suddenly cuts to a different scene. Miss Pauling is lying in bloody dirt outside of the TFC base, regaining consciousness. The previous events were all a hallucination.] Voice: I need more blood! [The comic's name flashes at the bottom of the page: THE NAKED and the DEAD] [Miss Pauling finally awakens] Miss Pauling: Medic? [Medic is seen rushing about with a bucket full of blood, while Zhanna collects blood from the ground using a piece of cloth.] Medic: More blood! She's coming around! [Medic sits on his knee beside Miss Pauling, collecting blood with a cloth] Miss Pauling: What happened? I thought we all... Medic: Died? Ha ha ha, heavens, NO! ...well, yes. [Medic squeezes the blood-soaked cloth into his bucket, smiling at Miss Pauling. Miss Pauling looks a bit disturbed] Medic: But only momentarily! Your hearts barely had time to stop beating! The robots merely drained out all of your blood. [Medic pours the bucket of dirty blood and debris straight into the Soldier's open chest, who is lying on the ground and smiling. Miss Pauling looks disgusted.] Medic: SO! I just put the blood back in! Miss Pauling (Grimacing): I refuse to believe it's that easy. Medic: I know, ja? Why do people even go to Medical school? Miss Pauling: Wait, how'd you separate out all the blood types? [A bandaged Soldier sits up and smiles] Soldier: HAR! "Different types of blood"! Miss Pauling came back stupid! [Looking at Soldier] Medic: Ha! Yes. What foolishness. [Medic quickly and sternly glares at a surprised Miss Pauling while Soldier digs his nose] Medic (Quietly): Miss Pauling, I've been using my own underwear to sponge blood out of puddles. Trust me, the type is the least of your problems. [Miss Pauling looks as if she was about to cry] Miss Pauling: Oh god. Are we going to be okay...? Medic (Thinking): I would drink plenty of water. Oh, and blood, if you can find any. [They are both interrupted by the sound of the Demoman, who was in a frenzy and taking on a hoard of blood-sucking robots all by himself. Destroyed robots litter the area.] Miss Pauling: Wait. Aren't those the robots that killed all of us in five seconds? Medic: Oof. Yes, I saw. Very embarrassing of you. Miss Pauling: Right, so... How the hell is Demo doing that? [Medic picks up the arm of a busted robot] Medic: Yes, I was pleasantly surprised as well. If I had to guess... I'd say drinking Demo's blood is giving them all alcohol poisoning. Miss Pauling: But he hasn't had a drop of liquor since we got to the island! How is he...? [A small speech bubble interrupts Miss Pauling] Voice: Heart! Status report! [The scene cuts to what seems to be a hallucination experienced by the Demoman. Demoman is giving orders to his various anthropomorphic organs behind a control panel, with his eyepatch-wearing heart saluting and announcing reports.] Demoman's Heart: We managed to convert the stomach into a distillery, sir! Demoman (Shouting): Convert the lungs too! If it's hollow and it's in me body, put it to work! Voice: Tavish? [Demoman's eyepatch-wearing liver returns after leaving since Old Wounds. Demoman answers condescendingly, without turning his back.] Demoman: Ach. Look who came crawling back. Hello, liver. Get bored of yer champagne parties and golden shrimp forks, did ye? Demoman's Liver: Tavish... I never even left your rectum. [Demoman grabs his liver and embraces it, giving a romantic kiss within a heart-shaped comic bubble.] Demoman: I know. [Demoman's liver blushes and stands next to a happy Demoman, behind their control panel.] Demoman: Ach, we'll have plenty o' time for that later. We should get back t'work. While you were gallivantin' around in me colon havin' a fine oul' time, me and the lads invented a way to ferment bone marrow. [Two eyepatch-wearing bones are seen with pickaxes beside them; one of them is smoking.] Demoman: Look sharp there, boys! Demoman's Bones: I hate this job. [Scene suddenly cuts to pure black] Voice: These guys are morons. Lunatics. They're the laughing stock of the mercenary world. How the hell are they- [A frustrated TFC Heavy is seen watching the events unfold on a large blue screen. The TFC Engineer approaches from behind him and interrupts his thoughts.] TFC Engineer: Uh... boss? Me and the boys were talkin', and uh... we were wonderin' how we're gonna get paid. [TFC Heavy doesn't turn around. He is seen holding something.] TFC Heavy: Do I look like I'm in the mood to talk about this, Fred? You always get paid. Why bring it up now? TFC Engineer: Well, for one, you never killed the guy payin' us before. Two, I've been standin' here ten minutes watchin' you yell at his spine. [TFC Heavy turns around menacingly and thrusts the item he is holding towards the TFC Engineer, showing that it was Gray Mann's Life-Extender machine.] TFC Heavy: You worried about MONEY? I'm holding a machine that will let us live forever, Fred. [TFC Engineer backs away a bit] TFC Engineer: Yeah, about that. I also can't help noticing you ain't holding five of 'em. TFC Heavy: SO MAKE MORE! You're an Engineer, aren't you? TFC Engineer: Well, sure, but- this aint' exactly upgrading a Turret here. Come on man, immortality machines? Magic rocks? That damn thing's more Biology that Engineering... [TFC Heavy turns away again] TFC Heavy: Just so we're not here all day... what can you do, Fred? [TFC Engineer counts his fingers] TFC Engineer: Well, I've been lookin' at the old man's Robots. I could probably get the Sentry Busters up and running, or maybe... [TFC Heavy immediately turns around and grabs the TFC Engineer's collar, screaming directly into his face.] TFC Engineer: Get them ALL up and running! Now! I WANT THESE IDIOTS DEAD! |
| Page 30-55: Heavy, Scout, and Saxton Hale reunite with the Team |
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| [The comic cuts back to outside of the base. After jumping from Saxton Hale's airplane, the Heavy and the Scout parachute and land next to Miss Pauling. Scout lands first, and is elated to see Miss Pauling again.]
Scout: Miss Pauling! Miss Pauling: Scout! Heavy! Thank god! Scout: You're alive! Miss Pauling: You- Scout: And you look terrific! Have you lost weight? Miss Pauling: I... lost most of my blood? Scout: Nice! Your hair looks great too! Miss Pauling: Thanks. It's... covered in my blood. [Scout takes off his parachute and gets close to Miss Pauling] Scout: Miss Pauling, I'm... you know what? I'm just glad you're okay. [Scout embraces Miss Pauling - this forces blood to spurt out of her eyes, knocking her glasses off. Miss Pauling looks exhausted while a disgusted-looking Scout lets go of her.] Medic: Ah, yes. Miss Pauling, you might not want to get squeezed by anyone for... well... ever, I suppose. That blood is going to be sloshing around in there for a while. [Meanwhile, Zhanna happily reunites with a surprised Heavy and embraces him.] Zhanna Misha! I am so happy to see you! Heavy (Surprised, looking at her hand stump): Zhanna, where is your hand? [Zhanna lets go of Heavy. Heavy rests an arm on her shoulder] Zhanna: I sawed it off with scrap of metal to kill woman torturing me (the TFC Pyro). Heavy: Yes, of course. Good. Wait, what is this? [Heavy notices Zhanna's necklace of ears and holds it] Heavy: Where did you get this necklace of... human ears... [Heavy gives a horrified look to his sister] Heavy: Sister, NO. [Soldier happily comes over and punches Heavy in the chest; Heavy glares at him disappointingly] Soldier: Hello, brother-in-law! Good news! You're going to be a grandfather! Zhanna: He's going to impregnate me, brother! [Cut to Scout giving Miss Pauling a rather self-centered breakdown of the events back at Ayers Rock] Scout: ...and then I punched Ayers Rock real hard and it moved like ten feet and Heavy was like "Holy crap you're super strong!" And I was like "Shut up for a second and let me think 'cause all the Australium's gone..." [Miss Pauling looks away, thinking] Miss Pauling: I knew it. Scout: Wait, you always knew I was super strong? 'Cause... that's a thing... we could explore. Miss Pauling: What about the Australium? Did you find out who took it? Scout: Oh, uh... not as such, no, vis a vis (vis-à-vis: with regard to) the rock in question... But oh! We did find Saxton Hale though! Miss Pauling (Looks at Scout): Really? Great, we could use the help! Where is he? Scout (Points behind himself): He's right... Huh. That's funny. Him and his big mean girlfriend were right behind us. [Scout turns around. Both him and Miss Pauling give a concerned look at what they see.] Scout: Oh. That is... [A battalion of whirring robots mercenaries were standing right behind them the entire time, filling the air with robotic rumbling] Scout: That is not Saxton Hale behind us. [A small speech bubble interrupts the scene] Voice: We were inside that whale for four days looking for that cougar! [Cut to Saxton Hale and Maggie in their plane, laughing hysterically at the memories of their their old escapades] Saxton Hale (Laughing): But we found him in the end, didn't we, Mags? Jerry (Piloting the plane): Mister Hale? Saxton Hale: Beat the crap out of him too! [Maggie makes a silly face with her hands up, Saxton Hale roaring with laughter] Maggie: Remember there was that boat full of hippies trapped in there? Jerry: Mister Hale? Saxton Hale (Laughing): Ha ha ha! When'll those dimwits learn? They just look like a boat full of sausages to a whale. Jerry (Shouting now): Mister Hale!! [Saxton Hale and Maggie calm down slightly, smiling at each other] Maggie: Remember what we did in that whale, Sax? Saxton Hale: Do I. On everything, Mags. The stomach. The liver. The heart, The cougar corpse... [They are interrupted by the shouts of Jerry, who opens the cabin door and notifies them loudly.] Jerry: MISTER HALE! If you're going to jump, it needs to be now, we are out of fuel. [Maggie brushes her hair, and Saxton Hale nudges her with his muscular arm] Maggie: Sheesh Sax, how long've we been jawing on for? Saxton Hale: That big fella and the rat-boy jumped an hour ago. Time flies with you Mags. Always did. Y'know, I've been thinking... Once we get that Australium off Gray Mann... [Maggie and Saxton Hale both put on parachutes. Saxton Hale gets his on first, and pushes several crates of cargo off the open rear of the plane for dropoff.] Saxton Hale (Looking back and smiling): ...Darling promised he'd get me Mann Co. back! Mags! You should come run it with me! [Maggie faces away, and shows sadness as she puts on her parachute] Saxton Hale: Just the two of us! Wouldn't that be great? [Still no answer from Maggie] Saxton Hale (Still pushing cargo): Mags? [Back outside the base, Miss Pauling, Zhanna, Demoman, Heavy, Soldier and Scout are seen bunched up in a circle in the middle of a bridge. They are surrounded on both sides by hoards of robots, with torrents of water under the bridge trapping them entirely.] Soldier: Do not worry, men! I have crapped my way out of tougher jams than this! Surrounded on one side? HA! These tin cans couldn't surround their own metal asses with both hands! I'll- [Soldier looks towards the other end of the bridge] Soldier: Oh. They are on both sides of us. Men, we are going to die. Scout: It's a good thing we ain't got any guns, Soldier... [Zoom in to Scout and the group] Scout (Tense, with fists up): ...'cause I'd shoot you right now before these robots kill us. Heavy: Where did Hale go? Scout: I toldja we couldn't trust that smelly bagga muscles... Just a big hairy coward, if ya ask m- [Scout is interrupted mid-sentence by a crate hitting him squarely on the head.] Scout: Ow. [Parachuted crates begin to rain from the sky; one hits Soldier on the head as well. Scout is seen holding a crate labeled Mann Co. Submachine Guns, and trying his best to read it.] Scout: Sub... Submack... mackeen... No, wait. Lemme start over. Subm- Miss Pauling: Scout, read faster. [Camera focuses above the team, with everyone looking upwards. The Scout smiles widely] Scout: Naw, I got the gist. Holy crap, you guys! Look who just showed up with a bunch of Submakeens! [Saxton Hale is seen parachuting down along with his crates, with Maggie right beside him. Jerry clings onto Maggie for dear life.] Saxton Hale: SAXTON HAAAALE! Jerry: AAAAAAAaaaaaaa... [A crate lands and bursts open beside the Heavy, who glances down at it. His trusty Minigun rolls out of the broken crate. He smiles, picks it up, and revs his Minigun, hearing it sing again.] Heavy: Ahhh, Sasha. I have missed your voice. [Cut to a picture of the team finally having firearms to fight back, with them beginning to blast, shoot and punch their way through the hoard of Gray Mann's robots.] |
| Page 56-86: Sniper VS Spy... VS Sniper |
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| [Scene of Miss Pauling's team fighting suddenly cuts to black, sans a telescopic sight aimed directly at the Heavy's head. A voice can be heard muttering to himself.]
Voice: Okay, fat man... [Cut to the TFC Sniper, standing at a vantage point within a building. His Sniper Rifle is pointed out through the window, and he is about to take the shot.] TFC Sniper: How about you go first? [Several knocks on the room's door interrupt his focus. The TFC Sniper lifts his head from the scope and swears.] TFC Sniper: Damn it all! [The TFC Sniper rests his rifle against the windowsill and faces the door] TFC Sniper: Whoever that is, your knockin' just cost me a headshot. Voice (Outside door): Virgil, it's me! Let me in! TFC Sniper: Uh huh. And how do I know its you? Voice (More frantically): Virg, three of us are dead and the boss is PISSED, now let me in! TFC Sniper: Ah, goddamnit. "Apricot". [The codeword opens up the door, revealing the TFC Engineer. He walks in.] TFC Engineer: Pack it up. Boss wants you back in the Comm room. [TFC Sniper lays his rifle beside the window] TFC Sniper: Now? Has he lost his damn mind? I've got 'em dead to rights down there. They've got guns now, Fred. [Camera moves out of the room as the two converse. Outside the door, the Sniper is seen holding a wooden plank in the shadows; the TFC Engineer is, in fact, the Spy, who was attempting to run the TFC Sniper into an ambush.] "TFC Engineer": Wait, what? When? TFC Sniper: Just now. Some naked guy fell out of the sky with a load of weapon crates. [Sniper overhears this and hesitates slightly] Sniper (quietly): Aw, bloody hell... ["TFC Engineer" points out the door with his thumb] "TFC Engineer": Well, maybe that's what the boss wants to talk about. I know he's got something planned, anyway. TFC Sniper: Yeah, fine. Let's go. ..."Apricot". [The codeword shuts the door as the TFC Sniper pulls out a revolver, shooting the "TFC Engineer" in the knee. Spy's disguise fades, and Sniper is seen hurrying away from the door, panicking.] Sniper: Bugger. Bugger. Bugger. [Spy lies sprawled on the floor, one hand clutching his injured knee. He frantically begins to shout the door's codeword as the TFC Sniper sits down on his knees beside him.] TFC Sniper: Why would the boss want his Sniper out a Sniper's nest durin' the middle of a firefight... Spy (Towards the door): Nngh! Apricot! TFC Sniper: ...just so he can tell me to go back to my Sniper's nest to start shootin' people? Spy (In a panic): Apricot! Apricot! TFC Sniper: Heh. Yeah, that's not gonna work. You might wanna come up with some better last words. [Meanwhile, the Sniper crashes through a wooden door with difficulty. He falls down, bleeding and weak from his stitches.] Sniper: *Hff* *Hff* [There is a window inside the room he broke into. Sniper grabs into the windowsill and smashes through it; a piece of the broken window manages to accidentally catch onto his pants, leaving him stark naked once he is out of the window.] Sniper: Bugger. Bugger. Aggh. Bugger... [Scene shifts back to the TFC Sniper and Spy] TFC Sniper: Fred and I been workin' together since before the war. For what its worth? That was a good Fred. Spy (Holding his knee in pain): Nngh! Not good enough, evidently. TFC Sniper: Nah, it woulda fooled me. Thing is, I know Fred so well... [The TFC Sniper taps his revolver against his right eye; it has a robotic appearance, and makes a metallic sound] TFC Sniper: ...I trusted him. To pluck my eyes out and replace 'em with these. Damn things see through everything. Can't sleep at night. They see through my eyelids. But lemme tell you... it is worth it to see you rat@#$% Spies coming. Spy: Ngh! Well. Before you kill me. [Spy seems to give up, reaching into his suit and pulling out a cigarette while giving a half-smile] Spy: Would you mind... if I had a cigarette? [Camera pans to face the Spy's back. The TFC Sniper's back is turned away from the room's windows, preventing him from seeing Sniper inching his way towards the room's open window from the outside.] TFC Sniper (pointing his revolver at the Spy): Sure. But take one of mine. [TFC Sniper gets on one knee and lights one of his cigarettes for the Spy, lifting his hat with his gun. Sniper is halfway there, a trail of blood left against the windows.] TFC Sniper: I don't want you smokin' one of them cyanide cigarettes you boys like so much. [Sniper is right next to the window, where TFC Sniper's rifle rests. TFC Sniper is still oblivious.] TFC Sniper: Don't want you goin' quick. I'm gonna take my time with this. [TFC Sniper finally turns around from the sound of his rifle getting cocked. Sniper has crawled into the room, aiming TFC Sniper's own rifle towards him. TFC Sniper sighs, and puts both hands up in an act of surrender.] TFC Sniper: *sigh* Right. Now just think this through for a second, son. I'm sittin' on a- [Without a moment of hesitance, Sniper delivers a fatal headshot to the TFC Sniper, silencing him and killing him instantly. TFC Sniper's body drops onto the ground in a puddle of blood.] [Spy rests himself against a wall, fingers holding his cigarette as Sniper walks towards him] Spy: If I forgot to mention it before now... You Snipers are the worst people on the planet. Sniper: He wasn't a Sniper. He was a sadist. There's a difference. Snipers don't muck about with gutshots and monologues. We just take the shot. [Both men rest painfully against the wall, Spy bleeding from his leg, and Sniper's stitches leaving blood all over the wall] Spy (condescendingly): Yes, you're credit to the institution of shooting people from far away. Some of us would have enjoyed torturing him first, by the way. Sniper: Yeah, well... next time speak up before I blow his head off. Let's have one of them cigs. [Spy takes a whiff from his cigarette, and passes a lit one to Sniper. Both do not lock eyes.] [Short pause] Sniper: So... how do you reckon we get outta here? |
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Trivia
- Parts of several classes' names are mentioned for the first time.
- Despite the TFC Sniper claiming that his eyes can see through everything (even his own eyelids), he was unable to see the Sniper hiding outside the room, and did not notice him running away and attempting to find another way into his room after the Spy's ambush failed.
- On Page 80, the Sniper is seen picking up his default Sniper Rifle from where the TFC Sniper was previously sitting, despite the TFC Sniper using a different Sniper Rifle (a jet-black one with a blue lens).
- The Demoman is seen drinking from a bottle of hydrogen peroxide on Page 88. However, hydrogen peroxide is only safe to consume if highly diluted with water (3% per bottle) and in small amounts, as it can induce vomiting and foaming in the stomach.
- On Page 155, the Spy mentions that his jacket is made by a brand named Louis Crabbemarché. Loosely translated, "Crabbemarché" is French for "crab walking", a homage to the Spycrab fad, while "Louis" is a reference to the designer brand Louis Vuitton.
- When the Scout jokingly mentions that his father is Tom Jones, his personification of "God" interrupts his own sentence before unconvincingly correcting himself and saying that the Scout's dad was definitely Tom Jones. This continues the running gag and theory that the Spy is the Scout's biological father.
- The scene in which Saxton Hale jumps out of his plane with Jerry clinging onto Maggie and screaming on the way down is similar to Page 7 of Ring of Fired.
- On Page 256, the Medic is seen cradling a bandana-wearing baby baboon in the background, seemingly hinting at the success of his "Baboon Pregnancy Inducer" and the TFC Heavy's fate.
Cover page
- The cover page for this comic is based on the cover of Crisis on Infinite Earths Book 7.
- The Medic is shown with two large wounds that would fit the injuries made by the TFC team's robots, instead of the Pistol wounds caused in the comic itself.
- The background showcases every notable character who has made an appearance in Team Fortress 2 comics and media, excluding several characters such as Francis the Talking France.
- There is a lamp wearing a Magistrate's Mullet on the left side, above the Heavy Robot. This is a reference to Page 22 of Unhappy Returns, where the Scout mentions that he once had a lamp for a public defendant.
