User:Kibblekip/Sandbox/Bidwell's Big Plan/Transcript

Loose Canon

[The comic opens on a large plane the stormy sky, with the silhoette of Saxton Hale hanging from the back of the cargo-bay doors. The plane is inscribed with the text 'DARLING ZOOS' on the side. A figure stands above Saxton Hale.] Saxton Hale: Blast it, Darling! This is WRONG! Hunting's supposed to be about tracking the most dangerous bloody killing machines on earth! Then punching them until you lose your watch! You don't put them behind bars! [The figure, revealed to be Charles Darling, looks down at Saxton Hale while holding a cane. Several animals in wooden box cages surround him] Darling: A hunter needs his trophies, Saxton. You of all people should understand that. You were my best student, once. Before you gave it all up. For Her. [He kicks Saxton Hale's hand away from the plane, with the text 'NEMESIS KICK!' for emphasis] Saxton Hale: Nooo [As Saxton Hale falls, he begins to monologue through the comic itself] Saxton Hale: [Your eyes didn't just deceive you, reader! I -- Saxton Hale -- just had a dramatic confrontation with my nemesis and former mentor, Charles Darling!] [These other adventure rags would have saved a gem like that for the climactic ending to a four-part story! Not here! At Mann Co., we know your time is precious. Only wetnurses and jazz guitarists want to sit around reading page after page of character development just to find out why people are fighting. Our comics cut right to the fights. Half the time I don't even know why I'm hitting something!] DARRRLING! [The next few pages have my assistants blathering on about some new way to buy hats. If you're like me, you'll want to skip directly to page six, where I jump out of a building and sock it to some hippies. Why? I don't know. And I never will. That's a Mann Co. Comics promise.] [Luckily, he spots an endangered eagle as he falls towards the earth] Saxton Hale: [Luckily, I spot an endangered eagle as I fall towards the Earth!] Aha! I can use this noble creature to glide safely to the ground! [He grabs the eagle, pulling it down with him...] Eagle: Awk Saxton Hale: [This turns out not to be the case! Instead, my weight causes the eagle to plummet also.] [He then crashes directly through a window, still holding the eagle, landing infront of his assistants Mr. Bidwell and Mr. Reddy. The text 'SMASH' is shown during this for emphasis] Saxton Hale: [...directly through the skylight at my office at Mann Co. Headquarters!] Mister Bidwell! Mister Reddy! Marvelous news! Do you remember my old hunting teacher, Charles Darling? He's my nemesis now! Eagle: Awk Reddy: I'll add him to the list, sir. [As Saxton Hale bandages his bloodied arm, Bidwell approaches him with a worried expression] Saxton Hale: Oh, I am going to beat the hell out of him. Bidwell: Sir? We have a bit of an emergency. Saxton Hale: Damn it, Bidwell, what are you scowling about? Here. Have an eagle. [Saxton Hale holds up the eagle by its legs, offering it to them as they talk] Eagle: Brawk! Saxton Hale: They're endangered. If anyone asks where you got it, I would just run. Bidwell: Sir. It's about our customers. Saxton Hale: What? What are those weeping crybabies sniveling about now? Bidwell: Our customers are demanding more, sir. Saxton Hale: More what? Guns? Clothes? Hats? Scars? Reddy: More everything, sir. [Suddenly, Saxton Hale raises his fist] Saxton Hale: Horseradish! They'll take our current inventory and like it! Cheaply made, unsafe products that catch on fire! Reddy: Keep in mind, sir, that in the absense of new Mann Co. products, our customers are designing their own. [Saxton Hale looks at them both with a more serious expression] Saxton Hale: Not the equal of Mann Co. brand, I'll bet. Reddy: No, sir, they're better. Saxton Hale: Ohhhhh, they are dead men. [He then begins to walk away. Bidwell walks after him as Reddy continues to stands in place] Bidwell: The customer is always right, sir. Saxton Hale: The customer is a dead man, Bidwell. Bidwell: I did have a thought. If they're going to build items anyway... why don't we offer to sell them through Mann Co.? Saxton Hale: Oo! I like it. Bidwell: We could even give them a cut of the profits. Saxton Hale: Ha ha ha! What? Wait! I just realized I stopped caring about this conversation five minutes ago. Take care of it Bidwell, I-- sniff sniff [Saxton Hale abruptly stops, then begins to smell the air around him. The text 'SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF' is used for emphasis] Saxton Hale: Patchouli oil... entitlement... poster board glue... smooth hands... HIPPIES! [He then jumps out of a window, with the text 'SPKSH!' for emphasis, into a crowd of hippies. They carry various signs, some slightly (obscured), reading from left to right downwards; '(MANN) CO? HELL (NO!)', 'NO!', 'NO MORE GUNS', 'PUT A SHIRT ON', 'STOP SELLING TO (M)ERCENARI(ES)', 'RED AND B(LU?) NO THANK (YOU!)', 'SAY NO TO MOUSTACHES'. He begins to monologue through the comic once more, under the assumption the reader skipped ahead as mentioned in his previous monologue] Saxton Hale: Ha ha ha ha ha [Dear reader: You made the right choice skipping ahead!] [Now, this fight goes on for another six pages, and let me tell you, I come off looking pretty damn good in it.] [Especially on the fifth page. Oh, I really give it to them on that page.] [After that there's several boring pages involving the police. You can skip those.] [I'd skip the whole rest of the issue, actually. I'm looking through it now and most of it involves litigation.] [Oh! But in next month's issue I punch a tiger! Buy that issue. I'm leafing through it now and it's easily twice as good as the comic you just bought. I don't want to spoil page 18 for you, but I suplex a business rival through a table.] THIS FIGHT CONTINUES FOR SIX PAGES!