User:Kibblekip/Sandbox/A Smissmas Story/Transcript

A Smissmas Story

[The first page shows a cover image, depicting w:Santa Claus punching a man wearing striped pajamas and wielding a snub-nose revolver. Various festive decor, such as stockings and a wreath, can be seen in the background] THE BADLANDS HOLIDAY READER An Illustrated Guide to the Perils of the Season WINTER ISSUE       FREE TO SUBSCRIBERS "I FOUGHT SANTA... AND LIVED" True Tales of Smissmas Courage, p.37 [The comic opens to a bright, sunny morning as a man in a red uniform — Archibald — approaches a building with a sign reading 'BOMBS FOR THE POOR' 'NOT-FOR-PROFIT CHARITY' '~DONATIONS WELCOME~', while another man in a dark, desaturated blue uniform — Julius — is exiting. A BLU bomb cart making TIK sounds is also present] Archibald: Julius! Come quickly! A most blessed event has transpired! Julius: Good heavens, do my eyes deceive me? Archibald: They do not, my friend! Some good— nay, messiah-like samaritan has left a ticking bomb upon our rail-stoop! Julius: Truly, it is a Smissmas miracle for the poor bombless unfortunates of Teufort! Archibald: Let us embrace in celebration! Julius: They never even left their names! It makes their heroism that much more legally defensible! Oh Voice: ["Let me stop you right there..."] [The scene suddenly changes to reveal a court room, the voice revealed to be a Judge, and next to him a BLU Scout wearing a blue suit] Judge: ...in your rambling, incoherent, highly dubious, self-aggrandizing story... ...to remind you that you are under oath, sir. Are you certain this is the truthful version of the events that brought you and your masked accomplice here today? Scout: You're damn right it is. I— Judge: No no. Really genuinely take a moment to think about this. Scout: Uh... maybe I better... check with my... legal counsel. [He turns to face a BLU Soldier wearing formal attire of whom is giving a thumbs-up, and BLU Spy with head on desk aware of how bad the situation is. A person behind them holds up a sign reading 'BLU & RED OUT OF TEUFORT'] Scout: Yes. Your honour, I swear that is exactly what happened. Judge: Fine. Then it will surprise you to learn that the bomb did not detonate in a bomb-distributing charity... ...which, as I've reminded you several times, has not and will never exist... ...but in fact blew up a Mall Santa training facility. And since you have failed to identify any of your co-conspirators, you will be sentenced to— Scout: Whoa-ho-ho! Nobody told me I could name names! See my court-appointed lawyer there? He masterminded the whole thing! Soldier: JUDAS! [Suddenly, Soldier begins to strangle Scout, as the Judge slams his gravel repeatedly] Judge: Order! Order! Soldier: I am going to kill you before they give me the chair! Scout: You— are— the— worst— lawyer! Judge: Enough! Nobody is getting the chair! I hereby sentence all three of you imbeciles... [The scene shifts to a mall, with Scout wearing an elf costume, and some families around the area. He leans agains a sign, with some text cut-off, reading 'The Teufort Dept. of Corrections invites you to...' 'MEET SANTA!' 'All year, every year' 'WARNING: The views of Santa do not necessarily reflect those of the Teufort-' Blonde Lady: Elf? Excuse me? How long is the wait to meet Santa? Scout: For a pretty single mom like you? How does right now sound? Blonde Lady: Oh, I have a husband. He's parking the c Scout: Backa the line. [Looking back at an unimpressed Scout with a frustrated expression, she and her child walk to a queue with a sign marked 'Everybody else'. Opposite this queue is another sign marked 'Single moms'] Voice: ["An' I wanna Action Saxton, and a Action Saxton Hippie-Drome Arena, an' a..."] [The scene shifts to later, revealing the voice of a young child called Jack sitting on Soldier's knee. Soldier is wearing a Santa hat, white beard and has the grenades on his chest swapped for ornament balls] Little Jack: ...Poopy Joe Rescue Rocket, an' I wanna... Soldier: Son, those are all just things you want. This Santa gives you things you need. One: A sensible haircut. [Soldier pulls out an electronic razor, of which is actively making a 'BZZZZZZZZZZ' sound. The blonde haired woman and her husband appear with angered expressions] Blonde Woman: Henry! That Santa's shaving Little Jack's head! Henry: Now hold on a damn second, pal... Soldier: Two: I will give you the gift of manhood. You are going to watch... [He takes off his fake beard and stands up as Little Jack's father — Henry — approaches them. Little Jack feels the top of his now-shaven head] Soldier: While Santa beats up your father in front of you. Little Jack: Yayyy? Voice: ["You need to get us out of here, Miss Pauling..."] [The voice is revealed to be the Spy, talking at a wall phone] Miss Pauling: First things first. How did Soldier become a public defender? Spy: It's a long story, but chapter one: his roommate is a magician. Should I continue? Miss Pauling: You know what? Nevermind. Spy: Thank you. Miss Pauling: The important part is we're working on it. Just don't make it worse. Spy: Not a problem. Soldier: C'MERE, YOU... Spy: Everything seems to be normal so far. [Soldier and Henry are seen bursting through some wall-dividing curtains, with Soldier punching Henry in the face] Voice: PEOPLE OF TEUFORT! [Suddenly, reindeer wearing spiked harnesses and eyepatches burst through a door, followed swiftly by a sleigh carrying Old Nick, of whom is holding a megaphone in hand] Old Nick: I am Old Nick! The SPIRIT of Australian Christmas. And I have come for your children. Soldier: ... Huh. [The scene shifts back to Spy and Miss Pauling at the phone] Spy: Out of curiosity. How much more trouble will we be in if all the children get abducted? Miss Pauling: Spy. Take. Care. Of. This. Now. [Spy looks down to see Little Jack has approached him] Miss Pauling: Spy? Spy? Little Jack: Mister? [He passes down the phone] Spy: Here. Hold this. Miss Pauling: What? Little Jack: I'm scared. Miss Pauling: Is that a child? Spy? This isn't funny! [Spy breaks off an icicle stuck to the bottom of the wall phone box] Spy: Mm. Perfectly natural to be scared. We're all in a lot of danger. [He passes the icicle to Little Jack] Spy: Take this. I have a plan. Miss Pauling: Little boy? Spy: But you must do what I say. Stay in plain sight. Miss Pauling: Run. Spy: Do not move until I tell you to. Miss Pauling: Run! Spy: Do not listen to the voice on the phone. No matter how scared you feel. [The scene shifts back to Old Nick slowly approaching Scout, of whom has brandished himself with a mostly used cardboard tube of wrapping paper] Old Nick: Wrapping paper. You plan to stop me... with wrapping paper. Scout: Yep. Why don't you bring that little mink stole over here and show me how stupid my wrappin' paper is? Old Nick: It isn't a stole, elf. It is a cape. And it's made out of — [Scout pulls a baubel from a tree with a 'POIK!' sound, before batting it at Old Nick's face. It breaks with a 'SMASH!' sound] Old Nick: You miserable— Soldier: The power of Smissmas compels you! [Soldier suddenly appears and hits Old Nick over the head with an Action Saxton figure, of which resembles the shape of a Saxxy award, knocking his hat off. The text 'COMPOUND ELEVATED SKULL FRACTURE!' is used for emphasis, as Old Nick falls to the ground next to Little Jack] Old Nick: UrNRnrnH... Little Jack: Mister? [Old Nick gets up with a grin, looming and casting a shadow over Little Jack] Old Nick: Well now... look who isn't smart enough to run. [He picks up Little Jack as Scout and Soldier watch] Old Nick: My workshop usually requires fifty children to function. This one will simply have to work very hard. Scout: Take my advice, pal. That is not the kid you wanna abduct. Old Nick: Really? And what's so special about this child? [Little Jack suddenly holds up the icicle and stabs Old Nick in the throat with a 'TUNK' sound, causing blood to spray from his neck. He collapses to the ground with a 'WHADUMP' sound, as Little Jack jumps off] Scout: Heh. Spy, I have seen you stab a million guys... and that... was my favorite. Spy? [A press reporter and camera man appear from the side, alongside Spy] Spy: Here they are. The heroes who saved the children of Teufort. Reporter: Teufort News. How does it feel to be heroes? Scout: If I'm honest? Feels like a Saturday. Soldier: I am happy to announce the existence of a conflict I was previously unaware of! The War on Smissmas! And lady, we are winning! [To the side, the Spy sits with Little Jack] Little Jack: I stabbed a man. In the neck. Spy: Mm. Little Jack: I did just what you said. I was so scared. Spy: And are you still scared? Little Jack: Hm. No. Spy: Good. Merry Smissmas. [A newspaper of the Teufort Times is shown, including an image showing Soldier with his arm around Henry's shoulder — both beaten and bleeding — alongside Little Jack riding Spy's shoulders, and Scout once more flirting with Little Jack's mother. The newpaper story is made up of dummy text] The Teufort Times CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF SUDDEN MERCENARY ATTACK                                              FREE TO SUBSCRIBERS LOCAL HEROES KILL SANTA       Awarded Full       Pardon for       Destruction of       Thought-to-be-       Mythical Holiday       Mascot HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE TEAM FORTRESS 2 TEAM!