User:Kibblekip/Sandbox/A Smissmas Story/Transcript
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| A Smissmas Story |
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| [The first page shows a cover image, depicting w:Santa Claus punching a man wearing striped pajamas and wielding a snub-nose revolver. Various festive decor, such as stockings and a wreath, can be seen in the background]
THE BADLANDS "I FOUGHT SANTA... AND LIVED" [The comic opens to a bright, sunny morning as a man in a red uniform — Archibald — approaches a building with a sign reading 'BOMBS FOR THE POOR' 'NOT-FOR-PROFIT CHARITY' '~DONATIONS WELCOME~', while another man in a dark, desaturated blue uniform — Julius — is exiting. A BLU bomb cart making TIK sounds is also present] Archibald: Julius! Come quickly! A most blessed event has transpired! Julius: Good heavens, do my eyes deceive me? Archibald: They do not, my friend! Some good— nay, messiah-like samaritan has left a ticking bomb upon our rail-stoop! Julius: Truly, it is a Smissmas miracle for the poor bombless unfortunates of Teufort! Archibald: Let us embrace in celebration! Julius: They never even left their names! It makes their heroism that much more legally defensible! Oh Voice: ["Let me stop you right there..."] [The scene suddenly changes to reveal a court room, the voice revealed to be a Judge, and next to him a BLU Scout wearing a blue suit] Judge: ...in your rambling, incoherent, highly dubious, self-aggrandizing story... ...to remind you that you are under oath, sir. Are you certain this is the truthful version of the events that brought you and your masked accomplice here today? Scout: You're damn right it is. I— Judge: No no. Really genuinely take a moment to think about this. Scout: Uh... maybe I better... check with my... legal counsel. [He turns to face a BLU Soldier wearing formal attire of whom is giving a thumbs-up, and BLU Spy with head on desk aware of how bad the situation is. A person behind them holds up a sign reading 'BLU & RED OUT OF TEUFORT'] Scout: Yes. Your honour, I swear that is exactly what happened. Judge: Fine. Then it will surprise you to learn that the bomb did not detonate in a bomb-distributing charity... ...which, as I've reminded you several times, has not and will never exist... ...but in fact blew up a Mall Santa training facility. And since you have failed to identify any of your co-conspirators, you will be sentenced to— Scout: Whoa-ho-ho! Nobody told me I could name names! See my court-appointed lawyer there? He masterminded the whole thing! Soldier: JUDAS! [Suddenly, Soldier begins to strangle Scout, as the Judge slams his gravel repeatedly] Judge: Order! Order! Soldier: I am going to kill you before they give me the chair! Scout: You— are— the— worst— lawyer! Judge: Enough! Nobody is getting the chair! I hereby sentence all three of you imbeciles... |
