Fancy vs. Nasty Update

The Fancy vs. Nasty update is an unofficial update, created by Mister Royzo, a well known and respected modder. It has received a prestigious mention in the TF2 Official Blog.

Story, Day One

The Spy receives the Administrator's letter

Our story begins with the REDs receiving a letter from their overlord, the Administrator.

“

Dear RED Mercenaries Congratulations. For the first time in this disastrous chain of misfortune I call your 'employment' there's actually been success. The past few weeks you have been especially victorious and I feel compelled to motivate this kind of behavior. I've prepared a dinner party for all of you in a fancy restaurant I regularly enjoy called "L'Appétit", though I highly doubt the likes of you ever go there. Since this will be the first time you're going to an actual grown-up event I'll inform you of the etiquette that's involved: Don't take weaponry with you, don't yell, don't murder, don't talk about your job and I better not see your military-cut scalp. Provided you don't develop hair as impossibly fast as my dog seems to that means you'll have to get fancy headgear before you join us. See to it that you do. Don't disappoint me. — The Administrator

”

The Soldier responds with a letter to his team.

The BLU team don't take kindly to this revelation and the Soldier responds to this, by writing a letter to his own team.

“

Dear Co-workers Listen up Ladies! As if our failure streak isn't bad enough already, a little birdy told me that those dress-wearing RED pansies are being rewarded for their obvious cheating! Not surprisingly they're playing dress-up with hats for a nancy pantsy tea-party in L'Appétit! How about we rough up their tea-time a little? Have our own kind of party, BLU style! Get your nastiest, most brutal weapon of choice and meet me at the back of this French-named circus! If you're too much of a pansy for close-quarter combat you should just stay home and read your girl magazines. — The Soldier

”

Day Two

The RED Spy, Pyro and Heavy are seen walking into L'Appétit wearing their dashing new hats. For Pyro it's Madame Dixie, for Heavy, Coupe D'Isaster and for Spy, Détective Noir.

Around the back of the restaurant the BLU Medic and Demoman are waiting anxiously wielding their new brutish weapons. For Medic, it's the Krankensage and for the Demoman, a tongue-twisting Claidheamohmor.

Madame Dixie

A beautiful, sophisticated and timeless hat worn only by the finest of upper-class citizens, albeit mostly women. It is debatable how this delightful headgear found its way to the Pyro, but something tells me I don't want to know.

A downloadable hat replacement for any of the Pyro's current headwear.

A joke at the fact that the Pyro's gender is unknown and wildly speculated to be female. Supposedly modeled after retro ladies flower decked headwear from the time period of the game's setting.

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Coupe D'Isaster

All men agree that there's no greater shame than to be outcoifed by someone. Rich men spend millions of dollars every year to ensure their scalp is graced by the greatest gathering of hair imaginable. Unfortunately the Heavy has not been able to join this tradition. No longer! With this deceptively unrealistic toupé you'll fit right in!

A downloadable hat replacement for any of the Heavy's current headwear.

Designed as a jokingly awful looking toupee. Resembles the hair of the character Dudley from Street Fighter.

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Détective Noir

Less publicly known than the license to kill, being a Spy also comes with a vast supply of fashionably correct hats. You certainly won't look like a very impressive Spy without this beauty, so don't go spewing one-liners over defeated enemies without it.

A downloadable hat replacement for any of the Spy's current headwear.

Designed after the classic dectective headgear of gum shoes of the time period. Team colored versions are included in the download.

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The Krankensage

Every self respecting medical practitioner knows that the effectiveness of a tool is directly proportional to its amount of screens and knobs. So explain to me why you're still using the Übersaw? It's not even slightly confusing to use.

A downloadable weapon replacement for the Medic's Übersaw.

A more threatening looking version of the Medic's default Bonesaw, except this time it includes an ÜberCharge meter like it's unlockable counterpart, the Übersaw (unlike the Übersaw, the meter is jiggleboned). Also has a slick black handle and a fancy knob.

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Claidheamohmor

Right about now you must be wondering how in God's name you're supposed to pronounce Claidheamohmor. The answer: you don't! If you're remotely near one you'll be dead long before you're done injuring your vocal chords anyway!

A downloadable weapon replacement for the Demoman's Eyelander.

A more fancy version of the Demoman's current claymore, the Eyelander. This version includes a more ornate hilt guard and pommel, as well as a plaid patterned grip and a pair of deadly spikes on the blade. The entire ensemble completed with a signature blood spattering on the blade as well. The weapon's name is pronounced "clay-dee-ah-MOCH-more," which is the Scottish pronunciation of Claymore.

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Day Three

The RED Sniper, Medic and Soldier are all sitting around a table, wearing their chic new headwear, awaiting their nourishment. The Sniper with his crocodile leather hat and the Medic with his German bowler hat look judgingly at the Soldier and his patriotic helmet, not quite understanding the dress code.

The BLU Pyro and Soldier are in the kitchen wielding their destructive weapons, a Frying Pan for the Soldier and the Backscratcher for the Pyro.

The Patriot

The most dangerous thing about shooting rockets at your feet is hitting your head on the way up. The second is ofcourse looking like a complete fool with oversized head protection. This cleverly designed helmet solves both problems! The thick outer shell protects your fragile skull and the glorious stars and stripes make you look stylish and patriotic.

This headwear item replaces any of the Soldier's current hats, except the Soldier's Stash.

Designed with a slighly reminiscent look of famous daredevil biker Evil Kinevil's old helmet covered in patriotic coloration. The picture as seen on the website was established by envmap work done by NeoDement, another well attributed modeler and creator of the Scotsman's Skullcutter.

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German Gonzila

Maniacal doctors are infamously unfashionable. It took several years and millions of dollars to develop the cure for this fatal illness, but recently in the laboratories of a university the first stable prototype has been developed: a bowler hat-like Tyrolean with a decorative fluff on the side.

This headwear item replaces any of the Medic's current hats.

An interesting hybrid of the Spy's Backbiter's Billycock and the Medic's Vintage Tyrolean, but with a nice neutral grayish-black color palate.

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Crocleather Slouch

The last glance into the world your enemies get is usually you broadly smiling and waving, but what if I told you we could offer you more? With this hat the last thing your enemies will see is a man broadly smiling, waving and sporting a fine cream hat, surrounded by a broad patch of the finest crocodile leather. Doesn't that just sound much better?

This headwear item replaces any of the Sniper's current hats, except the Trophy Belt.

A possible throwback to the hat worn by Crocodile Dundee, but replacing the ring of teeth with crocodile leather.

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Frying Pan

It is common knowledge that frying pans double as cooking equipment. Our rib and soup fed Soldier being the awful cook that he is prefers to use it in the conventional manner: caving people's skulls in, though you might have figured that out already by the big dent. And that's not ketchup either.

A downloadable weapon replacement for the Soldier's Equalizer.

A possible jibe at the fact that one of the Soldier's available hats is a Stainless Pot, this melee unlock is simply a frying pan with a nasty dent in it (like the Pot) covered with the blood of his latest victim.

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Backscratcher

When asked about it, the Pyro claims to have found it in the garden and has been using it as a backscratcher, though we must admit we have always wondered how the bent teeth and bloodstains got there. Now we know.

A downloadable weapon replacement for the Pyro's Axtinguisher.

Another possible joke that the Pyro is female and does garden work? No one really knows. All we know is that only a deranged maniac would use such an evil-looking rake as a back scratcher.

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Day Four

The brawl inside L'Appétit begins, as the RED Scout, wearing his classy Trilby, the Demoman, fitted with his Celtic Crown, and Engineer, with his Buckaroo Hat, confront the BLU Heavy, wielding his Fists of Steel and Scout, swinging his Boston Basher.

Celtic Crown

Back in ye olde days, where sticky-bomb spammers were unheard of and sword-and-board wielding kings dominated the Scottisch plains, the Demoman's great ancestors donned mighty crowns while slaying sea serpents and bathing in dragon blood. Introducing a majestic hat that has been passed on to every first-born son in the Demoman lineage family for centuries; the Celtic Crown!

This headwear item replaces any of the Demoman's current hats.

This hat is styled after the crowns of the Kings of Middle Ages Scotland. Considering the Demoman's large salary, he may have bought it.

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Flipped Trilby

Oh my, aren't you the rebel! Wearing your little hats the wrong way seems to be the newest craze around here, so we thought; Why not give those little troublemakers a hat that actually looks good when worn the wrong way?

This headwear item replaces any of the Scout's current hats, except the Batter's Helmet.

The hat is, as the name suggests, a trilby worn backwards. A possible reference to the Scout's rebellious teenage nature. Ironically, the Spy's Backbiter's Billycock resembles a trilby.

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Buckaroo's Hat

Long ago in the ancient and deserted lands of Texas the Engineer's great-grandfather Sentagoras rented mules to daring adventurers who couldn't wait to explore ancient Greece. How did ancient Greece end up in Texas? Maybe you'll find out when you download this hat!

This headwear item replaces any of the Engineer's current hats, except the Mining Light.

A black hat, similar to the Texas Ten Gallon, but with a smaller brim and a white band around the center. Also like the Ten Gallon, the hat references the Engineer's Texas roots (the Greece comment is merely meant for comedy and has nothing to do with the hat).

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Fists of Steel

While boxing gloves were made to cushion your well-placed uppercuts, steel Fists were made to beat the snot out of your enemies' pineal glands. "What are pineal glands?", you might ask! We at Mann Co have no idea ourselves, but what we do know is that these babies are made of freaking steel!

A downloadable weapon replacement for the Heavy's K.G.B. It includes sound replacements.

Steel Fists that reference to the Heavy's "My Fists, they are made of steel" comment, and the fact that gloves reduce damage done to boxers.

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Boston Basher

Delinquents all over the country have been harassing old ladies while you were stuck in your nearby generic desert-industrial environment. You missed out on all the extreme elderly-pestering action! No worries, though! With this handmade Bat, you can still vent your frustration elsewhere.

A downloadable weapon replacement for the Scout's Sandman. The skin only replaces the bat.

Designed after spiked clubs, this weapon and its description (like the Flipped Trilby) possibly reference the Scout's rebellious teenage nature.

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Trivia

The image of the Soldier's letter reads quite differently than the text shown in the update:

“

Quoted text. — I hope the TF2 community won't be able t read this because I'm dedicated to writing silly things here. Then again, who looks for easter eggs in an unofficial community update. Oh lord this text will show up even bigger. Let's hope they don't have that fancy CSI software people sh[ink spot] to have on TV. Or paint for that matter. Or a magnifying glass. Oh will they be disappointed when they actually find out what's written here. They must have thought it was the [release?] date for Episode 3 & they actually went to get the CSI software, Oh dear. Did I just delay some- thing? I hope not. Speaking of future Valve [titles?], I wonder what Portal 2's like. It's rumoured to be showcased at the next E3. I hope so, last E3 was rather disappointing in the Valve area. Oh well. Oh dear, will this wall of text match up to the one on the website? Maybe I should see. Signed, The Soldier

”