Non-player characters

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“
You're that wee lass, works with the angry lady who's always screamin' at us while we fight.
— The RED Demoman to Miss Pauling
 ”

Non-player characters, commonly abbreviated as NPCs, are characters in the Team Fortress 2 setting which are not one of the nine playable classes. While most are uninvolved in gameplay, they still add extra background to the Team Fortress 2 setting.


TF Industries and Subsidiaries

The Administrator

See Administrator.


Blutarch and Redmond Mann

“
I have mounted an epic campaign of leisure against the ravages of time. Waiting for nature to do to my brother what my men could not. And yet here we are at the end. And he...won't...DIE.
— Blutarch Mann discussing his war against his brother.
 ”

Blutarch Mann and Redmond Mann are the twin sons of Zepheniah Mann. They are the owners of BLU and RED, respectively. The two sons have been engaged in a lifelong feud with each other over the control of the vast lands left to them by their father. After Zepheniah Mann's death, both Blutarch and Redmond hired teams of nine mercenaries each in order to quickly defeat the other sibling and take control of his lands. However, as their forces were evenly matched, the situation quickly devolved into a protracted stalemate, leading Blutarch and later Redmond to look to Radigan Conagher for a life-extending machine, each hoping to outlive his sibling. Radigan made the same machine for both Redmond and Blutarch, so their feud continued, even into the year 1960.

  • Blutarch Mann, circa 1960.

  • Redmond Mann in his manor, circa 1960.

  • Blutarch Mann in 1850.

  • Redmond Mann in 1850.

Trivia

  • A silhouette of Redmond is seen sitting in a chair faced toward machinery (presumably the life-extender machine Radigan built) in an inaccessible part of the Red spawn room of Mann Manor. Accessing this room via noclip reveals that only the parts of Redmond visible outside the room, his arm and head, are actually modeled.
    • In the room containing Point C in Mann Manor, a painting of a muscular, grinning Redmond can be seen. Beside him stands an evil, gremlin-like representation of Blutarch. A similar portrait (in which the roles of Blutarch and Redmond are reversed) can be seen in Blutarch Mann's room in the Loose Canon comic.


Elizabeth

Elizabeth
“
Who I am does not concern you.
— Elizabeth's unknown relation
 ”

Elizabeth, whose last name is currently unknown, was Zepheniah Mann's hand servant. Upon his death, he left her the majority of his estate, including all of his deeds, accounts and debts. She is the first known ancestor of Helen to be involved in Administrating the RED and BLU teams, and bears a striking resemblance to the current Administrator.

Emily?

In the Loose Canon comic, a woman that bears a striking resemblance to Elizabeth convinced Radigan to construct two additional Life Extender Machines, not only the single one for Blutarch as originally requested. She bribed Radigan with Australium. It is unknown how she obtained one hundred pounds of the element. It is assumed that Elizabeth is her mother, although her name and ancestry are never revealed. If this is the case, then the Administrator, Helen, could be her grand daughter, and ownership of TF Industries could have been passed down through the generations.

  • Original "printings" of the comic show Elizabeth as being named 'Emily', leading one to assume that this was the intended name of Elizabeth's daughter, with the two characters perhaps being confused by the letterer. It appears that Emily may have been in some way a love interest of Redmond Mann. Though presumably non-canon, cp_manor_event has a hidden artistic portrait of Emily added as an easter egg. The canonicity of this is unconfirmed.


Miss Pauling

Miss Pauling
“
Oh, and Mr. DeGroot? Your friend's employers made him the same offer.
— Miss Pauling instigates the war between Tavish DeGroot & Jane Doe
 ”

Miss Pauling is a loyal assistant to the Administrator. She performs a number of duties including reporting unusual background checks, ordering and delivery of goods and opening communication channels. It was during a routine background check that Miss Pauling discovered the RED Demoman and BLU Soldier's friendship, which she then brought to the Administrator's attention. Miss Pauling generally complies with her employer's views for fear of incurring her wrath, even if she does not necessarily agree with them. When pressed by the Administrator on what exactly friends do, her reply was "Um. Go skating...look at gun catalogs....sometimes we just talk..." She insists the Administrator is "not so bad when you get to know her."

Under the Administrator's orders, she personally delivered a number of highly volatile custom-order Mann Co. weapons to the Soldier and Demoman in exchange for separately agreeing to kill one another.

On the December 22nd, 2010 blog entry by the Administrator, it is stated that Miss Pauling gifted the Stocking Stuffer Key to all owners of Team Fortress 2 for the holidays, much to the Administrator's disgust.

Miss Pauling also oversaw the Director's interviews with each member of the RED team, before luring the Director into a mine and presumably killing him, under orders from the Administrator.


Mr. Bidwell

Mr. Bidwell
“
Tears were brought to the eyes, sir. Your breakfast steak.
— Mr. Bidwell proving his culinary skills.
 ”

Mr. Bidwell is one of Saxton Hale's assistants, along with Mr. Reddy. His duties appear to include preparing Hale's meals (including breakfast steak), and dealing with customer feedback. Mr. Bidwell is the creator of the new-look Mann Co. Weapons Catalogue, acting as a liaison between the manufacturers of various products and Mann Co. During his first appearance, Bidwell sported a handlebar mustache, however this was later shaved off.


Mr. Reddy

Mr. Reddy
“
You're now the sixth richest man in America, Mr. Hale.
— Mr. Reddy putting his accounting degree to good use.
 ”

Mr. Reddy is one of Saxton Hale's assistants, along with Mr. Bidwell. His duties appear to include dealing with Mann Co.'s accounts and taking Hale's calls. Under Hale's orders, Mr. Reddy sent the five richest men in America congratulatory bouquets and "You're a dead man" form letters. During his first appearance, Reddy sported a thick box car mustache, however this was later shaved off. Upon completing the achievement Mission Accomplished in Spiral Knights, Mr. Reddy sent the player a congratulatory letter and a Spiral Sallet.


The Administator's Messenger

Administator's Messenger
“
This is the place.
— Administator's Messenger upon locating the BLU Soldier's apartment.
 ”

The Administator's Messenger is a mysterious individual hired by the Administrator to deliver messages to the classes via a miniturized television set. He was first shown locating the BLU Soldier's Apartment and delivering a message to him via a television screen broadcasting the Administrator during the WAR! Update. He was hired by the Administrator to find the BLU Soldier and get him to turn against his friend, the RED Demoman, leading to the belief that he is a spy for TF Industries.

Another messenger is seen in Meet the Director, killed by the RED team in an attempt to get answers out of him. The Administrator frowned upon this, on the grounds that once dead they could not return their miniature televisions, forcing her to buy more. It is unknown if this was the same messenger from the 'WAR!' Update.

  • The Administator's Messenger first appeared in the 'WAR!' update.

Barnabas Hale

Barnabas Hale was a colleague of Zepheniah Mann, who inherited Mann Co. upon his death. He is a relative of Saxton Hale, most likely his grandfather, and shares Saxton's extremely manly personality.

Saxton Hale

See Saxton Hale.


Silas Mann

Silas Mann
See also Horseless Headless Horsemann.
“
R.I.P. SILAS MANN
— Silas Mann's not entirely accurate gravestone.
 ”

The presumed brother of Zepheniah Mann, Silas' history within the family is shrouded in mystery. What is known is that he was the co-owner of Zepheniah Mann & Sons. Quarterly Concern, the company that would eventually become Mann Co.. His contributions to the company appear to include keys and name tags. Silas perished shortly after his brother, but death was not the end for him. He now roams Mann Manor as the Horseless Headless Horsemann, similarly to how Zepheniah haunts Harvest as a glowing blue spirit. The portrait of Silas Mann can be found by clicking the "Silas" name on the grave stone from the Scream Fortress Update page.

  • Silas Mann first appeared on the original Engineer update page, on a clipping of the Zepheniah Mann & Sons Co. Quarterly Concern 'The Engineer Update'.


Unknown Individual

In the mostly complete family portrait, another person can be seen in between the gap of the two pieces. The name of this person is unknown and he has yet to be referenced. He can be seen here. In his portrait he appears to be holding something in his left arm but the object can not be identified.

The Director

The Director
“
If you could pick one word to describe yourself, Mister Mundy, what would it be? I'm going to answer that for you: "victim."
— The Director on the Sniper.
 ”

The Director is a somewhat arrogant filmmaker. Hired by the Administrator, the Director was meant to spy on the mercenaries, so the Administrator could use something they said against them later if need be. However, he was led to believe he was filming them to show the people of Badlands that they weren't "just armed psychopaths blowing up all their landmarks on a daily basis".

Once the Administrator believed she had gained proper leverage over her employees, she ordered Miss Pauling to assassinate the Director. Miss Pauling brought the Director out to a mine under the guise that the Administrator was waiting for her interview there, with a bag of quicklime and a Shovel secretly tucked away in the bed of her truck. The Director's current status is unknown, though he is presumed to be dead.

Groups

Australians

Australians in the 1890's
“
Every one of mankind's innovations now comes from the lager-pickled brain of an Australian.
— The Administrator's ancestor on the mustache-sporting, beer-swilling, deathray-inventing Australians
 ”

Once thought of as a nation of idiots, since 1850 Australians have become world leaders in technology. Every innovation including Cloaking and teleportation now comes from the brain of a lager-loving Australian. By the 1890's, Sydney had become a city of tomorrow, with flying cars, giant airships and self-grooming mustaches. Much like their national hero, Saxton Hale, every man, woman and child in the nation of Australia (with the exception of at least one) sports a glorious, full mustache. An ancestor of The Administrator theorized that the nation's incredible intelligence came from the rare element, Australium. This theory seemed to prove true, as the element amplified Radigan Conagher's intelligence to phenomenal levels, and also caused various Australian-related side effects, including rapid mustache growth, extreme masculinity, and the primal urge to take off his shirt and grow chest hair in the shape of his homeland.


BLU team (Original)

BLU, circa 1850
“
...I assembled a team of the world's deadliest mercenaries to take it all by force. What I did not expect was that my idiot brother would do the same.
— Blutarch Mann on the original BLU team
 ”

The original BLU team was assembled by Blutarch Mann in the 1850's in an attempt to claim all of the land bequeathed to him and his brother, Redmond, by their father. Unfortunately for Blutarch, it appears that the original RED team was assembled at the same time, leaving both siblings at a stalemate. The original team consisted of the same nine classes as the current organization. The Scout, inspired by Billy the Kid, took on the appearance of a young cowboy, complete with spurred boots. The Soldier, who resembles Stonewall Jackson, dressed like a member of the Confederate Army, utilizing a rifle, rather than a Rocket Launcher. In keeping with tradition, the Demoman, inspired by Alfred Nobel, was a one-eyed dynamite-loving prospector. Unlike his modern Russian counterpart, the Heavy resembled John Henry, preferring to put his enemies out of commission with a monstrous sledgehammer, whilst the Sniper, like Davy Crockett, partnered his trusty rifle with a coonskin cap. Prior to his appointment as President of the United States, the Pyro, Abraham Lincoln, used an experimental Flamethrower to aid his comrades in battle. BLU team's Medic, Sigmund Freud, appeared to retain his contemporary's love of the Bonesaw, whilst the team's Engineer, who resembles Nikola Tesla, was forced to make do with a satchel of blueprints, rather than a PDA. Finally, the Spy eschewed a balaclava in favor of a domino-mask and equally-sinister moustache in the style of Fu Manchu.

The members of Redmond's original counterpart team are unknown.


Zepheniah Mann and Company

From left to right: Barnabas Hale, Blutarch Mann, Zepheniah Mann, Mann's maidservant Elizabeth and Redmond Mann. A mysterious man is also seen just out of shot on the far right side. (First presumed to be Silas Mann, but later refuted by the right half of the portrait.)

Zepheniah Mann was a wealthy Englishman who was convinced by his dimwitted sons, Blutarch and Redmond, to purchase large areas of land in frontier America. He dreamed of turning the land into large pits of gravel for weapons manufacturing. On his journey over to see his newly purchased land, he was struck with almost every illness known to man, and was shocked to find his new land was an empty and useless desert. Eventually, he left a Last Will and Testament on his own skin, which had sloughed off his body due to illness:

  • To his maidservant Elizabeth, he left his estate, including all deeds, accounts and debts, his tobacco plantation and the remains of his fortune. Elizabeth bears a striking resemblance to Helen, the Administrator, and is very likely her ancestor.
  • To his aide and tracker Barnabas Hale, ancestor of Saxton Hale, he left complete control of Mann & Sons Munitions Concern.
  • To his "brain defective" sons, Blutarch & Redmond, he left a partnership. All of the new land they had convinced him to buy was now to be split evenly between them, so they would now have a reason to bicker endlessly. Blutarch and Redmond are still alive using life-extender machines built by Radigan Conagher.
  • The final entry of his will is obscured, reading only as: "Lastly to... I leave the entirety of my.... and swear you to utmost secrecy in its keeping." The person to whom it is directed is likely the figure mysteriously obscured from the family portrait.
  • In addition to the entries within the will, it is clear that Zepheniah's brother, Silas Mann, was also present. He however, was only revealed to have been at the event following the uncovering of another damaged photograph.

His will also leaves a curse to anyone who should use firearms near his grave, stating that he will deliver a haunting unlike any ever seen. True to his word, the ghost of Zepheniah will appear periodically on the event version of Harvest where he is buried, wearing his Ghastly Gibus hat. Any players who stray too close will flee in fear for several seconds, unable to jump or attack, similar to being stunned by the Sandman. He was first mentioned in the Halloween Update, as well as the above will.


The Mafia

The Mafia are a wealthy illicit group of Italian assassins and criminals. The TF2 Team went undercover and found them at the most Italian restaurant they knew, the Olive Garden. They questioned the Mafia about everything, but due to the amount of free breadsticks jammed in their mouths the Mafia was unable to answer any of the muffled questions. The TF2 Team claims "they're not such bad guys", and learned some of the Mafia lingo.

RED and BLU Family Members

BLU Scout's Mother

The BLU Scout's Mother
“
BLU Scout: "What're you? President of his fan-club?"
BLU Spy: "No... that would be your mother!"
— The "BLU Scout" and the BLU Spy discuss the RED Spy's sexual liasions
 ”

The Scout's Mother is briefly mentioned and shown in Meet the Spy. She raised the Scout and his seven "mad-dog" brothers in South Boston and somehow, still managed to keep her figure. She is in a romantic relationship with the RED Spy, who lovingly calls her 'ma petite chou-fleur' (French, lit. 'My little cauliflower', although a more accurate English translation would be 'My sweetheart'), although sounding like 'ma petit chaud fleur'. The BLU Scout was apparently shocked to learn of this relationship, though his actual feelings on the matter are unknown as he was in fact the RED Spy disguised as the BLU Scout at the time. The Scout's Mom wears a classic late 60's style dress and hairstyle. In her photo appearance, she wears only blue clothing, so it could be assumed that the RED Scout's mother probably wears red in theme with her son's team color as well. Seven compromising photos of her and the RED Spy are kept in a top secret file labeled 'Scout's Mom' in the BLU base. She is notably the only female character yet to be modeled, assuming the Pyro is male. The Spy had a likeness of her engraved on the barrel of the Ambassador.


Mrs. DeGroot

Mrs. DeGroot
“
Yer da walked fifteen miles in the rain to blow up the Queen of England for a Nickel!
— Mrs. DeGroot on the family trade
 ”

The Demoman's Mother, Mrs. DeGroot, is a blind, elderly woman who reminisces constantly about the Demoman's late father. Even with her son's multi-million dollar salary and mansion, she still thinks he does not work hard enough, claiming that the Demoman's Father would be spinning in his grave at his idleness and had 26 jobs. She insisted on bringing up the Demoman Scottish, and does not like to see him "squandering his gifts." She also comments: "No Demoman worth his sulfur ever had an eye in his head past thirty!"

She, along with the Demoman's father, collected the young Tavish from the Crypt Grammar School for Orphans, revealing themselves as his true parents. They explained that he was abandoned at birth until his skills manifested themselves, a longstanding, cruel, and wholly unnecessary tradition among the Highland Demolition Men.


Radigan Conagher

Radigan Conagher
“
"...Alright"
— Radigan Conagher on monster-building-requests
 ”

The Engineer's Grandfather, Radigan Conagher, was hired by Blutarch Mann to build a machine to extend his life past his brother's. He agrees to build the machine for Blutarch. Later on he is approached by a woman, who bears a similar appearance to that of The Administrator. She offers him Australium to build Blutarch's Machine, under the stipulation that he covertly builds an identical machine for Redmond as well. Radigan Conagher also seemed to have been obsessed with Abraham Lincoln. In the first edition of The Engineer Update, several pages of notes can be seen that are totally dedicated to inventing an object that could have saved Lincoln from John Wilkes Booth. Some devices include: a hat that would shoot at the attacker, a chair that would swing over and under a balcony away from the attacker, and a teleporter.

Radigan goes through a drastic transformation as shown in the hidden links of The Engineer Update. He seems to have grown taller, grown a mustache, grown muscular, and has a fond thirst for beer. This matches the qualities of the stereotypical Australians in TF2. This is probably due to his exposure with Australium. One could even say he looks like an older Saxton Hale. In the photographs displayed on the Engineer Update webpage, Conagher is also shown holding what seems to be the very first Southern Hospitality. In the final stage of his transformation, it is shown that he replaced his left hand with a robotic arm, and his chest hair has grown into the shape of Texas, similar to Saxton Hale's chest hair in that appears as the shape of Australia. He also appears more "Australian" than before, as a large jovial man (in contrast to his previously reserved personality) with a big, bushy mustache and carrying a barrel of BLU Streak beer, a taste shared by his grandson Dell. One of the Paint Can colors is named after Radigan, and is called "Radigan Conagher Brown"


Mr. & Mrs. Mundy

Mr. & Mrs. Mundy
“
I'll be honest with ya: my parents do not care for it.
— The Sniper on his trade
 ”

The Sniper's parents, Mr. & Mrs. Mundy, were first mentioned in Meet the Sniper. Being a dutiful son, the Sniper makes sure to keep in touch with his parents via phone or mail to inquire about their well-being and keep them up to date with his latest adventures and exploits. Living in the Red House on the Left on Adelaide St. in Australia, the Sniper's parents do not approve of his occupation. The Sniper's dad is especially condemning, calling the Sniper a "crazed gunman," against the Sniper's insistence that he is an "assassin." In a bid to bring the arguments to an end, the Sniper wrote to his mom asking her to just tell his dad about how he makes more than a doctor, and finally asks her to just tell him that he is a doctor. After the Sniper was interviewed by "the Director", the Sniper received mailed photographs of them.

Like their son, neither one of them have moustaches, a seemingly rare trait amongst Australians. Mr. & Mrs. Mundy also bear a striking resemblance to Eustace and Muriel Bagg from Template:W. The comic's illustrator later confirmed that this similarity, along with the similarities of their homes, was "very much on purpose" due to time constraints[citation needed]


RED Heavy's Family

“
The Director: "Paint me a picture."
RED Heavy: "No. This is my gun. I like to shoot this gun. Is all you need to know."
— The RED Heavy when asked to speak about his childhood by the Director
 ”

While not much is known, the RED Heavy's family history was first discussed in the "Meet the Director" comic. Having been a counter-revolutionist, RED Heavy's father was killed by unknown causes. After the death of his father in autumn of 1941, the Heavy was deported to a Northern Siberian gulag along with his mother and two sisters. The Heavy and his family worked at the gulag for three months, until it was burned to the ground some time in December, 1941 and all of the prisoners had escaped. It was later found that the guards of the camp had been tortured to death.


Historical Figures

Presidents

Abraham Lincoln

Wikipedia article: Template:W

In addition to being the nation's 16th president, Abraham Lincoln was also the BLU team's first Pyro when the war began in the 1800's. Abraham Lincoln is noted for his love of Arena Mode as shown in the Sniper vs Spy update. According to the WAR! Update, he was the inventor of stairs. The Engineer Update states Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John "Tower of Hats" Booth, although the WAR! Update attributes his death to rocket-jumping up stairs. Furthermore, according to the Loose Canon comic, there were blueprints for three "life-extender machines," the last one apparently built on the day of Lincoln's death. Whether or not Abraham is still alive is open to debate.

George Washington

Wikipedia article: Template:W

George Washington invented America, but historians agree his greatest failure was his inability to be permanently invisible. With the advent of the Cloak and Dagger, the Spy can succeed where the inventor of America failed.

George Washington first appeared in the Sniper vs Spy Update.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Wikipedia article: Template:W

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, or Franklin D. Roosevelt as he is commonly called, found Abraham Lincoln's plans for stairs in 1821. Recovering from a rocket jumping accident, Franklin D. Roosevelt perfected Lincoln's plans for stairs, freeing the world from the tyranny of the second floor.

Franklin D. Roosevelt first appeared in the WAR! Update.

Non-Presidents

Fred Astaire

Fred Astaire

Wikipedia article: Template:W

Fred Astaire, born Frederick Austerlitz, was an American film and Broadway stage dancer, choreographer, singer and actor. His stage and subsequent film career spanned a total of 76 years, during which he made 31 musical films. He was particularly susceptible to projectile weapons fire.


John "Tower of Hats" Booth

John Booth

Wikipedia article: Template:W

John "Tower of Hats" Booth was the assassin of beloved president Abraham Lincoln. His last known photograph depicts him wearing his eponymous tower of hats. A wanted poster of him was published after the assassination, including an altered photograph depicting what he may look like after adding Abraham Lincoln's fearsome hat to said tower.


William Prescott

Wikipedia article: Template:W

William Prescott was a Revolutionary War general who notably led the Battle of Bunker Hill and won. He loved hats, and reportedly said at that battle: "Don't fire till you see the tops of their heads". True to his word, he only fired at enemies who were poor and possessed no hats.


Isaac Newton

Wikipedia article: Template:W

Isaac Newton was a brilliant scientist who conceived of the idea of gravity. He thought of it to distract the policemen investigating the suspicious circumstances around his wife's death, which Newton was guilty of. He became an esteemed scientist, branded a genius, but everyone overlooked the fact that he killed his wife.

Other Individuals

Charles Darling

Charles Darling
“
A hunter needs his trophies, Saxton. You of all people should understand that. You were my best student, once. Before you gave it all up, for her.
— Charles Darling on hunting.
 ”

Charles Darling is the former hunting mentor of Mann Co. owner Saxton Hale. Formerly a hunter, Darling decided to give up a life of savagery for a more comfortable one of zoo-keeping. His and Hale's falling-out appeared to occur following Saxton's decision to abandon his training for 'her'. He is currently the owner and proprietor of Darling Zoos, whose collection of animals includes such rare species as pygmy rabbits, quaggas, tasmanian wolves, dodos, giraffes and sea cows. He is also thought to be based off of the famed evolutionist Charles Darwin.


Gentle Manne of Leisure

The Gentle Manne of Leisure and his Companion.
“
A-ha-ha! You are as PRESUMPTUOUS as you are POOR and IRISH. Tarnish notte the majesty of my TOWER of HATS.
— The Gentle Manne of Leisure observes the peasants around him
 ”

The Gentle Manne of Leisure is an English Victorian, who is rich enough to buy a tower of hats. He travels the streets of an English Victorian city with his companion (unnamed), informing the "peasants" that they are presumptuous, poor, and Irish. The Gentle Manne of Leisure wears a tuxedo, carries a cane, and is never seen without his most prized possession; his tower of hats. It is possible that he is referred to as "Sinclaire" by his Companion as they spectate their 'Hatless Commoners' Boxing. Also, the quote above is used as the description for the Towering Pillar of Hats


King of Australia

King of Australia as shown on the Here's Some News, Mate, newspaper

The King of Australia appears as a man wearing a suit and a crown. Even though he is labeled as The king of Australia, he doesn't have a proper moustache. He was also the founder and conqueror of hills. (referring to the King of the Hill gamemode)


Kicasso

Self-portrait of Kicasso
“
Say, uh... That ain't an original Kicasso, is it?
— Dell Conagher on Blutarch Mann's choice in art
 ”

A painter whose work is on display in the lobby of BLU's headquarters, and recognized by Dell Conagher. At one point, he went through a "Hunted in the Jungle" period of artwork. Most likely a play on the name of the famous artist, Picasso. The Artwork is a parody adaptation of Picasso's 'Self-portrait with Cloak', painted during his "blue period", which is a humorous reference within itself considering that the Kicasso is a part of Blutarch's Mansion.


Poopy Joe

Poopy Joe - "Taken too soon"
“
I have no idea what you're - ooo, right. That poor monkey.
— Saxton Hale takes a moment to fondly remember the pioneering primate astronaut
 ”

Poopy Joe was a monkey astronaut who tragically died in an explosion before taking off, caused by Mann Co. in their unsuccessful attempt to rid themselves of weapons involved in a Senate investigation. Mann Co. takes no blame for his death and created commemorative plates that remember Poopy Joe and America's dream of conquering space. These plates were actually hints of the then-upcoming War! Update, depicting the Eyelander, the Equalizer and the Buff Banner's bugle.


Shakespearicles

Shakespearicles, the strongest writer who ever lived

Shakespearicles was the strongest writer who ever lived. He was the inventor of the two-story building, the stage play, America and the Rocket Launcher. Despite his powerful grasp of language and the ability to bench press 700 British pounds, several inventions eluded his iron grip—most tragically among them, stairs.

For the next three hundred years, people who needed to get to the second floor used the only method available to them, which was rocket jumping. This persisted until 1857, when the young bearded inventor named President Abraham Lincoln invented stairs.


Trent and Jessica

Trent and Jessica
“
...and the bullets biodegrade once they hit flesh, leaving nothing behind but a blog post.
— Trent explaining Apple's advances in the Minigun market
 ”

Trent and Jessica are two young fellows (and, according to the Soldier, hippies) who work at the Apple store located just outside Dustbowl.

They offered items for sale to the RED Scout and Heavy, specifically a very small looking, yet identical headset for the Scout, and a white, black, and blue Minigun whose bullets add kills to the user's killcount on his blog. (If the user does not have a blog, the gun is programmed to create one.) They also managed to impress the RED Soldier by instantly cooking a pig with a device plugged through a firewire port. Jessica also explained Apple's newest product, the iBlewupthemoon, to Saxton Hale, impressing him and leading him to attempt to purchase the company and being turned down by a "Mysterious" figure that runs the store.


The Apple Store Manager

“
Let me see your manager.
— Saxton Hale on blowing up the moon with Apple's latest product
 ”

The Apple Store Manager is the manager of the Apple store located on the outskirts of Dustbowl, and presumably the employer of Trent and Jessica.

When Saxton Hale wants to buy out the company, he denied the request with the words "No sale, Hale!" He is presumably one of Hale's curvy long time rivals.


The Mann Co. Gorilla

The Mann Co. Gorilla
“
WIN A PRIZE! If you order now, you'll be automatically entered in a free giveaway. An all-expenses paid trip, including first class airfare, and a limousine ride, will be given to a gorilla so he can come to your house and fight you!
— From the Mann-Conomy update page
 ”

The Mann Co. Gorilla appeared on the bottom of the Mann-Conomy update page, with the above caption next to it. At the time, many readers assumed that there would be some kind of actual prize draw for the first players to buy items from the Mann Co. Store, however the only bonus to buying items was receiving a Mann Co Cap. Additionally, when the mouse is hovered over the picture, the gorilla on the update page closes one of its eyes when it is rolled over, looking as if it is winking. Clicking on the image of the gorilla would take the user to a framed image of the gorilla.


Old Nick

Nicholas Crowder, now known as "Old Nick"
“
The nice children are given the greatest gift of all -- they are not abducted along with the naughty ones and carted off to the South Pole.
— Robin Walker on the story of Old Nick
 ”

On December 18, 1788 a man named Nicholas Crowder was on a voyage to Australia, and upon witnessing the heat and privations, decided to turn the boat around and set course to conquer the South Pole, where, according to legend, he still lives. Every December 18th, "Old Nick" as he is now known, returns to Australia to judge whether or not the children have been naughty or nice. The nice children get the gift of not being abducted and taken to the South Pole to work in Old Nick's workshop. The bad children make hats and weapons for Old Nick which are delivered to his Mansion on December 17. Old Nick sells any duplicate weapons and hats he has received online "practically giving them away".


Francis the Talking France

Francis the Talking France
“
They sound complicated enough that Valve decided they had no business judging cinéma.
— Francis the Talking France on French vocabulary
 ”

Francis the Talking France seems to be a sentient manifestation of France with an apparent knowledge of cinema. He claims to be the inventor of the French terms "Mise en scene! Auteur! Avante-garde! Montage! Even cinéma!". Valve put him in charge of judging all the Saxxy entries, but realizing that the job would be too big for himself, he opened the voting to the public.

  • Francis the Talking France first appeared on the website Old Man Murray, co-written by Valve writer Eric Wolpaw.[1]
  • The character appeared on the TF2 Official Blog on the 20th of May[2]
  • Francis is actually a mirror image of France, with its west in the east and vise-versa


Archimedes the Dove

Archimedes appears in Meet the Medic as one of the Medic's feathered friends. He has an eerie habit of getting in the way of most procedures, including wallowing in the innards of the Heavy. Archimedes is last heard of from the insides of the Scout after his new Übercharged heart-implant leaves the curious bird stuck inside.

Other Valve Characters

Whitaker

The Advertisement depicting Whitaker wearing Ellis' Cap while showing off the frying pan
“
RED, BLU -- your money's all green here.
— Whitaker on the TF Industries War
 ”

Whitaker, a minor character in Left 4 Dead 2, wrote a blog update on the Official Team Fortress 2 blog advertising the promotional Ellis' Cap and Frying Pan one can get from purchasing or previously owning Left 4 Dead 2. Based on his opening paragraph, he is southern like the other Left 4 Dead 2 characters. It seems he is neutral towards the RED and BLU Corporations' feud, and also seems to know little-to-nothing about TF Industries other than "what he is told". It also appears that his existence is outside of Team Fortress 2's canonical storyline, as he refers to the war as an "infernal game called Team Fortress 2". However, this can be countered by the fact that he seems to be addressing the RED and BLU team members in the blog. Within Left 4 Dead 2, he is voiced by Dayton Callie.

  • This character has only been seen in the 10/06/10 TF2 Blog update as of yet, and may be non-canon. For more information unrelated to Team Fortress 2, refer here.

References

  1. ↑ http://www.oldmanmurray.com/features/78.html
  2. ↑ http://www.teamfortress.com/post.php?id=5514&p=1

External links

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