The Last Will and Testament of Zepheniah Mann
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| “ | To my layabout, brain defective sons, Blutarch and Redmond, I leave the greatest curse of all - partnership. What land I have purchased in this new world is to be split evenly between you both. You have wasted your lives bickering over nothing, and so I leave you dimwits something of consequence over which to feud.
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The Last Will and Testament of Zepheniah Mann is storyline content revealed in stages through hidden pages published in major updates.
Nominally, the Last Will and Testament was originally presented as the background for the game's first Halloween event, first Haunted map, and first Halloween Monster. However, in the course of his bequests, Zepheniah Mann describes his reasons for relocating to the Badlands and his unpleasant experiences there. Particularly, Zepheniah expressed his displeasure with his twin sons; and, so, he evenly divided the lands he purchased in the Americas between the two, establishing the basis for their conflict in the Badlands, known in the context of the Team Fortress 2 game as the Gravel War.
Moreover, Zepheniah made bequests to other particular persons, thereby introducing them to the storyline. To Barnabus Hale he granted Mann & Sons Munitions Concern, which eventually became Mann Co. with Barnabus Hale's grandson Saxton Hale as CEO. To his maidservant Elizabeth, he gave the residue of his estate – Elisabeth is widely considered to be represented in the Family Portrait as the woman sitting next to Zepheniah, bearing a passing fair resemblance to the Administrator.
In the original publication, certain lines of testament are obscured by "fool's gravel", which, when revealed in a later hidden page as part of the ARG for the Mann vs. Machine Update, introduced a surprise character scheming to acquire the true wealth of Mann Co.. Zephaniah's "miracle" gravel is interpreted as Australium, which is placed under Elizabeth's protection.
Synopsis
- Zepheniah Mann vows to haunt the earth as a horrifying poltergeist.
- Zepheniah Mann spent his entire fortune speculating on gravel in New Mexico, but found only sand.
- He declares that he suffered many medical conditions; somewhat fantastically named, several are real conditions, but using 19th Century diagnoses, such as superfluous uterus, which is often a hereditary condition.
- The residue of his estate not given to the "twins" or to Barnabus Hale is left to Elizabeth.
- He gives Mann & Sons Munitions Concern (Mann Co.) to Barnabus Hale.
- His properties in the Americas are evenly split between his two "brain defective" sons, Redmond and Blutarch.
- [Hidden for three years until the Mann vs. Machine Update]
- Zephaniah places his cache of "miracle" gravel under the sworn protection of Elizabeth.
- Zephaniah mentions a third "weakling son", Gray, who is after the "miracle" gravel.
Transcript
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| I, Zephaniah Mann being of sound mind, do hereby vow to haunt the earth as a horrifying poltergeist, until such time as I have quenched my all-consuming thirst for vengeance against the world, and especially against my dunderhead sons.
If it takes a brave man to admit he is in error, then surely a man willing to admit both of his sons are stumble-bum muttonheads is twice as brave. It was they who convinced me to spend the entirety of my sizeable fortune purchasing land in the unclaimed frontier of the Americas, in the hope of expanding our weapons concern to the uncolonized westernmost regions. Many tales did they whisper in my too credulous ears, of gravel as far as the eye can see, for any man with strong back and iron spirit to harness. Long did I dream of transforming these virgin lands and its vast holes into the world's most majestic and profitable pits of gravel. But when at last we arrived, we found only "fool's gravel"- my nitwit sons had purchased a continent-sized parcel of sand! It is here in this wind-swept desert hell that I fear I shall breathe my last. Since moving from my Cambridgeshire estate to the untamed frontier I have contracted putrid fever, bilious fever, blackwater fever, green fever, spotted fever - even womb fever, as a complication from a serious bout of superfluous uterus. On our sailing trip to the new world I contracted white plague, marasmus, sweating sickness, deplumatious tumors of the eyelids, pleurisy, membranous croup and scarlet rash; during the drive west I contracted brain itch, stomatitus, and blood poisoning; since settling our estate I have contracted falling sickness, walking sickness, stationary sickness, shingles, jaundiced spine and skull bloat. I contracted scrivener's palsy in the writing of this last will & testament. Possessing no paper in this godforsaken frontier, I have penned this on my own skin, which has sloughed off in quantity since contracting impetigo. To the foul-smelling, uneducated simpletons of the untamed Americas, I leave only this curse - as weapons have caused my downfall, so will I engineer the downfall of any soul who puts one to use near my restless grave. Shoot over my bones, and I shall visit upon you a haunting the likes of which you have never seen. To my dearest maidservant Elizabeth I leave the rest and residue of my estate - including all deeds, accounts, debts public and private - my tobacco plantation - and what remains of the fortune my addle-pated sons have squandered. Find the gravel that I was unable to find! Honor me by placing it inside a pit! To my faithful aide and tracker, Barnabus Hale of the savage Australians, I divest compleat control of the Mann & Sons Munitions Concern. You procured the poppy flowers required for the medicines that gave me succor from the pains of my many warring ailments. It has been pleasant to not shriek myself to sleep. To my layabout, brain defective sons, Blutarch and Redmond, I leave the greatest curse of all - partnership. What land I have purchased in this new world is to be split evenly between you both. You have wasted your lives bickering over nothing, and so I leave you dimwits something of consequence over which to feud. This paragraph was originally obscured by sand God and His angels will have to drag me screaming to Heaven. I do not want to die! Damn you all to Hell! Zephaniah Mann |
Updates and references
- 2009
- In the update page of Haunted Hallowe'en Special, the last will was introduced inside a hidden page, with some text covered by sand.
- There is also a secret link inside the former page, which leads to another hidden page displaying a fragmentary portrait of Mann family.
- The family portrait was later seen in the first TF2 storyline comic WAR!, kept by the Administrator on her control panel.
- 2010
- In the comic Loose Canon, the last will was quoted, with the scene of Zepheniah's death being portrayed.
- In the update page of Scream Fortress Update, another half of the portrait was revealed in a hidden page.
- 2012
- During an ARG event before the Mann vs. Machine Update, the full version of the last will was revealed in a hidden page.
- Despite not being connected to the last will directly, a birth certificate was also revealed in the event, mentioning Gray for the first time, as well as naming the midwife as Patience Meriwether and relating the sons to the Darling family through their mother.
- 2014
- In the comic Catch-Up, the story of Mann family, as written in the last will, was retrospected by Saxton Hale.
Gallery
The last will
(partially obscured)
The last will
(full version)
The Mann family portrait
(left half)
The Mann family portrait
(two pieces)
The birth certificate
