Hat Describing Contest

“

Fans have been mailing us for some time now, asking for a contest that didn't involve modeling or level design. So now they get their wish. That's right: you'll be competing over who can describe hats the best. Introducing the first ever TF2 Hat Describing Contest.

— TF2 Official Blog

”

The Hat Describing Contest was a contest announced on August 24, 2010.

Following criticism that previous TF2 contests shunned players that lacked above-average skill in computer modeling, the TF2 team announced the competition in a blog post. The aim was to introduce a contest that would be accessible to the majority of the community, albeit those registered on the Steam forums. The object of the contest was to allow members of the community to write descriptions for the various in-game cosmetic items available at the time.

Winning entries, as selected by Valve, were added to the corresponding item in-game as an official description.

Guidelines and Deadline

The deadline for the Hat Describing Contest was August 27, 2010. Submissions were posted in a series of specially-created threads on the Steam Users' Forums.

Submission Rules

Give a brief, interesting description of the item in 75 words or less.
You must be the sole author of the description and the material must be original to you.
The winning descriptions for each item will be determined by the TF2 team and may be used in-game.

List of winners

Forum name	Class	Cosmetic	Description	Forum post
TheTwoTonHammer	Scout	Batter's Helmet	You'll be batting a thousand (skulls in) when you don this red piece of plastic!	Link
PrO-bOy	Scout	Bonk Helm	When drinking one radioactive beverage at a time is not enough.	Link
Doreauxgard42	Scout	Ye Olde Baker Boy	Extra! Extra! You're frickin' dead!	Link
AndyAML	Scout	Baseball Bill's Sports Shine	Everyone knows that speed is a Scout's best friend. Why weigh yourself down with bulky hats when you can break the sound barrier without them?	Link
spam_word	Scout	Troublemaker's Tossle Cap	Straight outta control point.	Link
Sketch56	Scout	Whoopee Cap	You'd have to be a jughead not to realize this cap is the pinnacle of fashion for the discerning youth.	Link
Man Of Faith ™	Soldier	Soldier's Stash	This hat does not in any way, shape, or form, promote smoking or gambling.	Link
DrMelon	Soldier	Tyrant's Helm	I kicked your ass so hard it went back in time and got me this VIKING HAT.	Link
cypherx82	Soldier	Stainless Pot	Protects cranium from bullets and shrapnel. Also heats soup.	Link
Lamech	Soldier	Gentle Manne's Service Medal	Given to those few brave soldiers whom stood guard valiantly without sleep, nourishment, or a social life.	Link
f3doraman	Soldier	Killer's Kabuto	A Haiku for war. To defeat one's enemies. Honor the crocket.	Link
peregrine7	Soldier	Sergeant's Drill Hat	This hat is a handy replacement for profanity-filled ranting when you don't feel like shouting yourself hoarse.	Link
Colonelcool	Pyro	Respectless Rubber Glove	It doesn't matter how much people respect you when they're on fire.	Link
crushilista	Pyro	Triboniophorus Tyrannus	At least he's still telling you to burn things.	Link
ASpieboy	Pyro	Vintage Merryweather	Pyro wears this in tribute to the many firefighters who have perished trying to quell his flames.	Link
JJ10DMAN	Pyro	Whiskered Gentleman	The most distinguished tape-on fire-retardant facial hair available, for the discerning gentleman of conflagration.	Link
icenine0	Demoman	Tippler's Tricorne	Three sharp corners mean one sharp hat. Don't poke your eye out.	Link
Potatoblight	Heavy	Officer's Ushanka	This hat was made of bear hands. That bear was killed with bare hands.	Link
FarazParsa	Heavy	Tough Guy's Toque	Because when you're the toughest Mother Hubbard in the fort, nobody's criticizing your fashion sense.	Link
Silentman	Heavy	Hound Dog	Your opponents will be all shook up when they see these sweet shades and coif.	Link
ravn0s	Engineer	Mining Light	For Engineers with bright ideas.	Link
drewhead118	Engineer	Texas Ten Gallon	Though it looks like a simple ten-gallon hat, this modern feat of engineering actually contains more moving parts than a level 2 Sentry Gun.	Link
FarazParsa	Engineer	Texas Slim's Dome Shine	Sometimes you just need a little less hat.	Link
Shapechanger	Engineer	Hotrod	Mock the sun with streaks of flame as the UV rays bounce harmlessly away from your eyeballs.	Link
foxtrot261	Engineer	Safe'n'Sound	It gets difficult trying to calculate the total external applied torque to a body's rotational motion through its moment of momentum vector while the distracting sounds of gunfire and death are all around you. Build a better, safer machine with the silence of the Safe'n'sound!	Link
This_Is_Not_Spy	Medic	Prussian Pickelhaube	A relic from one war brought into another. Your enemy will get the point.	Link
CptObvious	Medic	Otolaryngologist's Mirror	We can't pronounce it either.	Link
AgentJAK	Medic	Physician's Procedure Mask	Scrub in... things are about to get messy.	Link
Esquilax	Medic	Gentleman's Gatsby	While lacking the cachet of other hats, the Gatsby nonetheless possesses its own sartorial elegance. Its understated and affable charm appeals to everyone, whether playing a round of golf with friends or performing non-elective surgery with a well-polished bonesaw.	Link
Limeaide	Sniper	Trophy Belt	Any old sap can pull teeth from a dead crocodile. It takes a man to pull teeth from a live one.	Link
Nineaxis	Sniper	Professional's Panama	A polite, efficient hat to wear when killing everyone you meet.	Link
Magi Kavin	Sniper	Master's Yellow Belt	Only a master of Jarate earns the right to wear this once-white bandanna, stained yellow from the rigors of a harsh training regimen.	Link
Jinbei	Sniper	Ritzy Rick's Hair Fixative	His bullet was close. I lost my hat. My bullet was closer. He lost his head.	Link
G.I.R.	Sniper	Shooter's Sola Topi	Perfect for exploring the outback and the inside of people's heads.	Link
Reclaimer077	Sniper	Bloke's Bucket Hat	Gone Snipin'.	Link
Kenori	Spy	Fancy Fedora	This smooth, suave, silk-lined beauty can turn any amateur backstabber into a handsome rogue.	Link
caeonosphere	Spy	Backbiter's Billycock	For when you wish your head was a little taller, but just as round on top.	Link
Codo	Spy	Camera Beard	You wouldn't mind if I read this top secret document with my beard, would you?	Link
Shapechanger	Spy	Magistrate's Mullet	They say justice is blind. What they don't tell you is that justice is also invisible, and also less interested in justice than murder.	Link
SoulDestroy	Spy	Frenchman's Beret	Because real espionage is an artform.	Link
AndyAML	All classes	Cheater's Lament	Though some would stop at nothing to achieve hats, you remained resolute and incorruptible in your quest for head decorations. For that, you have been rewarded.	Link
Esquilax	All classes	Ghastly Gibus	Elegant simplicity and old-world charm combined with the heady aromas of mould and grave dust.	Link
Duffren	All classes	Mildly Disturbing Halloween Mask	Brown paper never looked so mildly disturbing.	Link
Calvary	All classes	Bill's Hat	Left 4 You.	Link
Fredrik1ST	All classes	Modest Pile of Hat	Because a Gentleman is not one without one.	Link
Nekopawed	All classes	Noble Amassment of Hats	For the Gentleman who believes even his hat deserves a hat.	Link
Coconuts	All classes	Towering Pillar of Hats	A-ha-ha! You are as PRESUMPTUOUS as you are POOR and IRISH. Tarnish notte the majesty of my TOWER of HATS.	Link
crushilista	All classes	Mercenary	Even though you were late to the party, you were still the life of it.	Link
Optimus357	All classes	Soldier of Fortune	Sure, some may have been doing it longer. But you've proven few can do it better.	Link
SappinMySentry	All classes	Grizzled Veteran	Display this on your chest proudly, soldier. Each time you kill someone, they'll know they weren't the first.	Link
NB820	All classes	Primeval Warrior	A true warrior's medal, given to those who fought before the battle even started.	Link
Grug	All classes	Alien Swarm Parasite	This cute little guy was once the scourge of humanity in another time and place. Now he's content to ride on your head and keep the sun off.	Link