User:Kibblekip/Sandbox/The Insult That Made a "Jarate Master" Out of Sniper/Transcript

The Insult That Made a "Jarate Master" Out of Sniper

[At the top of the page is the headline for the comic strip, 'The Insult That Made a "Jarate Master" Out of Sniper'.] [A RED Sniper and Scout are sitting on a capture point while drinking from glass bottles with an umbrella in the background, as a BLU Spy passing by kicks gravel back towards them.] Sniper: Hey! We're trying to enjoy this capture point, you bully! Scout: Gravel? What a nuisance! [Sniper and Spy confront one another, while Scout watches from the side.] Spy: Haw haw! What are you going to do - run five miles away and shoot me? Sniper: Ye- No... (How did he know?) [Cut to Sniper and Scout walking elsewhere] Sniper: Why, that gravel-kicking... always guessing my plans... Scout: Whatever. Let's go get tacos. [The scene changes to Sniper alone, reading a magazine and kicking a chair across the room] Sniper: I'm sick and tired of getting picked on by men my own size! What's this? Jarate? [The scene changes again to a later scene, with Sniper in a bathroom standing infront of two jars filled with a yellow liquid — Jarate.] Sniper: Boy! Those Saxton Hale Jarate Pills tripled the size of my kidneys! And thanks to my Saxton Hale Pain Tonic, I can barely even feel my organs shutting down! He thought of everything! That Spy won't know what hit him! [The scene changes once more, now to the Sniper and Spy at the capture point, with the Sniper throwing the Jarate at the face of the Spy, covering him in the yellow liquid.] Sniper: You again? Here's something I owe you! From my body! [Zoom in to a now bewildered and drenched Spy, screaming. The Spy's expression changes to one of horror, followed by more screaming.] [The scene shifts back to the Sniper with a smug expression, as well as the Scout eating a taco, and a Soldier and Demoman in the background reading a poster.] Scout: I didn't think you had it "in" you, Sniper! Demoman: Jarate? That looked effective! But complicated... [The comic ends, with an image of Saxton Hale and his name to the side of it. Multiple lines of text surround the image; 'Inventor of Jarate... The JAR-Based Karate!', 'AS SEEN IN PRINT' with a smaller image of the comic strip, 'WE WILL GIVE YOU A TROPHY' with a small image of a generic trophy, and a series of text that reads; '5 FREE GIFTS' 'If you act now, in addition to my complete course, you will also get these five valuable outline courses.' The courses provided are 'DRUNKEN BOXING', 'DRUNKEN HEADBUTTING', 'SHAOLIN DRUNKEN KNIFE WRESTLING', 'DRUNKEN CRY-FIGHTING' and 'DRUNKEN APOLOGY-MAKING'.] Saxton Hale: IT IS NOT COMPLICATED! How do I know? I am from AUSTRALIA! And the events dramatized in the comic above actually happened... TO ME! Remember that part between panels four and five? That was not time lapse magic! I kicked a chair across the room, and seconds later I knew Jarate! NOW YOU CAN TOO! WHAT IS JARATE? Jarate causes your enemies to lose the WILL TO LIVE and take more damage from incoming fire! You may say, "But I don't HAVE any enemies!" Well, do you have FRIENDS? Are they on FIRE? Right NOW? Jarate them to a non-on fire state INSTANTLY! Being on fire is horrible! They'll never want to talk about your Jarate rescue ever again, but you'll have their secret undying gratitude! Your enemies will wish they could forget their encounter with Jarate! Too bad! The IMMEDIATE EFFECTS are temporary. As the first damp moment stretches into months, however — as years become long, regret-filled decades, Jarate reveals its TRUE POWER: forcing your enemies to accept a terrifying new existence, where people do awful things to them ALL THE TIME for NO REASON and DIGNITY DOES NOT EXIST. They will think about Jarate at their weddings — at their high school reunions — witnessing the birth of their first beautiful child — Jarate will haunt their every waking moment for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.