User:Kibblekip/Sandbox/Bombinomicon (comic)/Transcript

Bombinomicon

[The first page of the comic is a cover image, depicting Merasmus cursing the eye of a Demoman. Smaller images depict lightning, the Bombinomicon, and a depiction of Merasmus in a suit pulling his hair] THIRD ANNUAL SCREAM FORTRESS PRESENTS CAUTIONARY TALES OF READING Merasmus: FOOL! Ye have gazed upon the Bombinomicon! IN THIS ISSUE! LIGHTNING! BOOKS! TWIST ENDINGS! Merasmus: I was the real monster... all along?* *Not the actual twist ending! [The comic opens to the RED Soldier wearing a crudely made robot costume, with three children wearing costumes representing a ghost in a top hat, the country of France, and Saxton Hale] Children: TRICK OR TREAT! Soldier: I have children! Give us candy! It is the law! [The children hold their sacks of candy out to the RED Spy standing in the doorway, with the Scout and Heavy standing behind him] Spy: Soldier, you were here when we talked about this. This is a party for adults. We agreed we would not be answering the door to give out-- Soldier: Look, me and these kids are in a lot of trouble here. We are on the lam. We have not eaten in four days. The police aren't going to believe I am a robot forever. You have to-- Spy: Yes, fine. Let's see... what I have... ah! There. Merry Christmas. [He drops some cigarettes and a butterfly knife into one of the sacks] [Scout lowers himself to eye-level with the child dressed as France, holding up a wooden bat] Scout: Hey there, slugger. C'mere. You are going to love this. You see this bat? [He pulls a tooth off of it with a 'TOINK' sound] Scout: Bam! That... is a human molar. From some dummy with a big mouth that used to be fulla teeth. It's all yours, little talkin' France. [Heavy leans over towards the child dressed as Saxton Hale] Heavy: Every day Heavy risk life. To earn money. To feed family. Instead, you would have Heavy spend this money. On stupid candy. For YOU. You PRESUMPTUOUS... LAZY... FAT... "Saxton Hale": Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Heavy: Oh. Um. Stop. Heavy did not mean this. Little child is not fat. People call Heavy fat. Please stop crying. Here. Here is seven thousand dollars. [He puts a large amount of money into the now bewildered child's sack] [The scene cuts to the children walking towards the RED Demoman, sitting in an armchair with some candles to the side, drinking from a bottle with the text 'GLUG GLUG GLUG' for emphasis] "Saxton Hale": Sir? Trick or treat? Demoman: Sorry, lads. I dunnae have any candy for ye. But I have got somethin' better. A ghost story. [The candles go out, leaving them in darkness. The Demoman begins to narrate the story, as the scene changes to a young Demoman — notably with both eyes still — walking towards a large castle at night. Some gravestones along the path depict the text 'HELP WANTED' and 'APPLY AT CASTLE'] Demoman: [T'was All-Hallows Eve.] [The one night of the year when the dead would rise...] [...and accordin' to me Mum, possibly have jobs for a young lad of seven.] ["Come morning those hellish apparitions will be gone! Along with all their jobs! Get ye to the Moors, boy!"] [I never did find a ghost on that cold October night...] [...but I did find a job.] [God help me, I did find a job.] [At the front door of the castle, Merasmus steps out as the young Demoman stands to the side] Merasmus: WHO DARES DISTURB 🦇💀MERASMUS THE MAGICIAN?💀🦇 This is an eldritch castle of dark magicke! Not a pancake house! Young Demoman: I'm not here for treats, sir. I've come about the job. Merasmus: The job, eh? Hmm... Demoman: [And without another word, he stalked into the house.] [The scene changes to a room inside the castle, with bookshelves along every wall] Merasmus: Welcome to the grand library! T'is filthy with the corpse dust of the many poor souls who tried to clean it... and failed! Sweep this place, and I shall give ye a nickel. But before ye begin, hear me well, child. This library holds a certain book. A book of forbidden knowledge and ancient wickedness. I warn ye... ...GAZE NOT UPON THIS EVIL TOME. Young Demoman: Don't look at the books, got it. Merasmus: Uh... yes. Good. But... you probably want to, right? Because no matter how tempted ye be... [The young Demoman points towards a broom to the side] Young Demoman: Really, it's fine. I'll just dust. That the broom I should use? Merasmus: GAZE NOT UPON THE BROOM. AND YES, THAT BROOM. [The scene shifts to the young Demoman cleaning] Demoman: [And so I set to work.] [The witching hour approached...] [...and I swept right through it, and kept sweeping until at last the foul place was cleansed.] [But as I stood back to admire my handiwork...] Voice: ...reeeeeeeead meee... Young Demoman: AGH! Who...?! [He approaches a pedestal that holds the Bombinomicon — a book with a large bomb protruding from its cover and glowing red eyes] Bombinomicon: ...reeeeeeeead meee... Young Demoman: You're a book about... bombs? Bombinomicon: ...reeeeeeeead meee... Young Demoman: But the magician said not to. Bombinomicon: Oh, the MAGICIAN said not to. Wow. I'm sorry, that changes everything. I didn't realize some old idiot in a dress told you not to read something. Gosh, you better not, then. Here, why don't I just read myself. [The book begins to read itself, with the text 'FLIP FLIP FLIP' to resemble the sound of pages turning] Bombinomicon: Oh my. That explodes like THAT, does it? My contents are fascinating and not dangerous at all! This information changes everything I thought I knew about bombs and--- Young Demoman: Well, maybe a little peek... [He approaches the book and opens the pages slightly, peeking inside with his left eye, when the book suddenly swings open and a bright blue light comes out with a 'PZARP' sound, going directly into the young Demoman's eye] Young Demoman: ARRRRGHHHHHH! Bombinomicon: I haunted your eye! I totally did it! I'm haunting your eye RIGHT NOW! This is the greatest moment of my life! [Merasmus suddenly appears, infuriated, as the book rambles endlessly in the background] Merasmus: WHAT HAVE YE DONE? Now he'll never shut up about it! I have to live with this book, you know! We only have one chance! Brace yourself, boy! BAZBO BADARBA! [A light blue light emits from Merasmus' fingers as he casts his spell. The scene cuts back to the Demoman in the present and the three children, and a thought bubble showing the young Demoman with the same blue light coming from his left eye] Demoman: When I awoke, the magician was gone. The book was gone. The castle was gone. And my eye was gone. But they say, on Halloween night, at midnight, you can still spot my possessed eye stalking the Moors with that wicked magician, Merasmus. Soldier: Merasmus? The only thing that goldbricker's doing at midnight is not the dishes! [Scene pans to a doorway, with Merasmus sitting in the other room pointing at the Soldier angrily, as Soldier points back and Demoman stares in disbelief] Merasmus: LIAR! THOSE DISHES BE YOURS! Soldier: Don't make me come over there, Merasmus! Demoman: Good lord! After all these years... he's here? Soldier: He's my roommate. [Merasmus holds up a stick of celery with hummus on top of it] Merasmus: Celery sticks and hummus? What fool cursed this party with a vegetarian platter? [Soldier and Merasmus butt heads with eachother] Soldier: Nobody invited you, Merasmus! Merasmus: Do not anger Merasmus! A magician invites himself! Soldier: I am going to invite that staff straight up your ass and push you around like a broom! Merasmus: Well, that would certainly be the first time you swept anything! Soldier: You sunova... [Soldier proceeds to grab Merasmus' staff and snaps it with a 'CRACK' sound] Merasmus: Nooo! Soldier: Ha! Merasmus: FOOL! I pronounce this vile party over! I shall return to our apartment! You, on the other hand, will fight... MONOCULUS! [The scene shifts to outside, as the RED Heavy and Scout fight MONOCULUS using their Minigun and Pistol respectively. In the background on top of a building, Soldier and Merasmus are attacking eachother] Soldier: I am going to slap the magic out of your mouth! Merasmus: I'm calling the police! TO BE CONTINUED IN THE SCREAM FORTRESS VERY SCARY HALLOWEEN SPECIAL