Meet the Sandvich

Meet the Sandvich
Video Info
Released:	October 10, 2008
Run time:	1:06

"Meet the Sandvich" Video Transcript

[Two slices of the Sandvich are in a refrigerator on a plate beside three bottles of Red Shed beer]

["Meet the Sandvich" text appears]

[Cut back to the Sandviches]

Heavy: [Groans repeatedly]

Scout: "Yeah, there he is!"

Soldier: "You! Stop right where you are, that is an order! He's getting away! Do not let him get to the re-"

[The Heavy opens the door, grabs one slice of the Sandvich and closes the door]

Scout: "D-don't do it, pal!"

Soldier: "Do. Not. Do it!"

Heavy: [Eats sandvich] "Om nom nom nom..."

Soldier: "Oohhhhhhh, hell..."

Scout: "H-h-hey, let's just calm down here! You listening? J-j-just... OH GOD!"

[The Heavy chuckles as his loud footsteps are heard gathering speed]

Scout: "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GO-"

[Several loud thuds are heard, a beer bottle falls over, and the refrigerator door opens slightly]

Heavy: "Ahahahaha!"

[Sound of liquid spilling on the floor, assumedly the Scouts blood]

Scout: "My blood! H-he punched out all my blood!"

[More thuds are heard.]

Soldier: "Ow, ow ow ow ow! Ouch, ouch! Ahhh..."

[A thud and a snap is heard]

Soldier: "You call that breaking my spine? You RED team ladies wouldn't know how to break a spine if-"

[A loud snap is heard and the door closes and opens again, the floor now covered with blood and another one of the bottles of beer falls over]

Soldier: "AUGHHH! MY SPINE!"

[A girlish scream is heard as ending flourish music plays. The camera pans across a diagram of the Sandvich]

[Cut to the Heavy in Dustbowl, as he was in the original Meet the Heavy, but instead of wielding his minigun he is devouring a Sandvich]

Heavy: "Nom nom nom... [Takes a bite] nom nom... mmmm.. nom."

Notes

• Body Count: 6

• The opening "Meet The Sandvich" screen has a picnic blanket background.

• On the opening screen, at the bottom it says "Copyright Omnomnom", a reference to internet phrase 'OM NOM NOM', an onomatopoeic representation of the act of eating.

• The Sandvich slices are casting shadows on the plate despite standard refrigerators not having any source of light while sealed.

• The Team Fortress 2 logo can be seen on the cap of the bottles of beer.

• This is, so far, the only Meet the Team video which does not actually meet a class, but a weapon.

• The Beer bottles inside the refrigerator are labeled Red Shed, The Red Shed Distillery being the name of RED team's base on the map Well. Red Shed also features in Meet the Demoman.

• At the end, the camera pans across a diagram of the Sandvich instead of the usual class photo.

• Meet the Sandvich was to be Valve's "magnum opus" at "over four hours long" that would reputedly "make Citizen Kane look like something dumb a complete idiot would make."

• The 240-minute epic that was to be Meet the Sandvich was aborted after certain members of Valve's staff pointed out that the movie was basically the first half of 1987 action film Predator, then the whole of Road House, followed by the second half of Predator.

• Meet the Sandvich takes place inside a refrigerator in Guatemala.

• The TF Industries diagram of the Sandvich seen at the end of the video can be bought from the Valve store as a poster.

• A number of unused lines were recorded for the Meet the Sandvich:
  • Heavy:
    • "What was that, Sandvich? Kill them all? Hahahahaha, good idea!" (This line was eventually used in a slightly modified form as a response upon eating a Sandvich in-game.)
  • Scout:
    • "Gimme back my legbone! *Smacking noise* Hey! *Smacking noises* Hey! Don't hit me with it!"
    • "H-He's like a bear! He's like a big shaved bear that hates people!"
    • "Pain! Pain! Pain! Pain! Pain! Pain! Pain!"
    • "I regret everything! I regret everything I've ever done!"
    • "He's already dead! He's already deaaad!" (Stolen Outright from The Simpsons)
  • Soldier:
    • "Hambone, we have got you by the short and friskies!"
    • "Do not do it! Do not even think about doing it! Do not even think about not doing it!"
    • "Son, you are writing checks your butt will find uncashable! Are you hearing me? Your backside will be escorted from the bank! You will find this humiliating!"
    • "Don't throw your life away, son. You only get one! Or, depending on your religious affiliation, several! Either way it is a finite number so think it through!"
    • "You call that killing me? I am not dead! *Cracking noise* Now I am ordering you to kill me! Please please please, God, Kill me!"
    • "There is a checkbook in the left-rear pocket of my fatigues! I will pay you all of my money to stop!"
    • "Son, I need a blood transfusion double-time! I am going to require roughly half of your blood!"
    • "You cannot hurt me, I do not have time to bleed! *Cracking noise* My schedule has just opened up! Aaaohhww, my God!" (Improvised from Predator)
    • "You do not frighten me! Pain does not hurt! *Cracking noise* I stand corrected! Arrrrggghhgh!" (Improvised from Road House)

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