万圣节 Boss 语音回应

语音回应（Voice Responses）是游戏中的玩家或角色达成某个条件，如击杀玩家时，所触发的语音台词。此前的万圣节更新先后发布了以下万圣节 Boss/角色：脱缰的无头骑士，魔眼，马拉莫斯，炸弹魔书，以及雷德蒙德·曼恩与布鲁塔克·曼恩两兄弟。他们都有着各自的语音回应，而本条目的以下内容将它们悉数列出。

尖叫要塞更新 （2010）

脱缰的无头骑士

出场

（不详的笑声）

闲置

（邪恶的笑声） （雄厚的笑声） （阴险的笑声） （疯狂的笑声）

攻击

（洪亮的叫喊）） （野性的叫喊） （兴奋的叫喊） （雄厚的叫喊） （短促的叫喊） （低沉的叫喊）

施展“BOO！”嘲讽

BOO!

受到巨大伤害

ARGH! UGH! OWW!

被击败

（沉重的叫喊） （短促的叫喊） （痛苦的叫喊）

非常恐怖的万圣节特约 （2011）

魔眼

笑声

HA HA HA HAH! HA HA HA! HAH! （震耳欲聋的笑声）

被击晕

（断断续续的呻吟） （呻吟） （雄厚的叹气） （打嗝） （短促的叫喊） （咕哝） （尖叫） （沉重的呻吟）

被激怒

ARRRR! DAHHHH! UH-ARRR! （咕哝）

传送

(whoom!)

受到巨大伤害

OWWW!

被击败

（呻吟） （嘶声）

幽灵万圣节特约 （2012）

马拉莫斯

出场

"I am here!" 我降临于此！ "I have come!" 我可已经来了！ "Merasmus has risen!" 马拉莫斯已于此崛起！ "Cower fools! Merasmus is here!" 退缩吧，蠢货们！马拉莫斯于此降临！ "Run fools! Run from Merasmus!" 快逃吧，蠢货们！逃离我马拉莫斯的魔掌！ "Merasmus the Wizard has come for your souls!" 大魔法师马拉莫斯可要来夺取你们的灵魂了！ （邪恶的笑声） （阴险的笑声） （疯狂的笑声） "Soldier! Never anger a magician!" 士兵！永远不要激怒一个魔法师！ "Welcome. To your doom!" 欢迎来到...你的毁灭！ "DOOM! All of you are doomed!" 毁灭！你们所有人都将迎来毁灭！ "Enjoy Halloween mortals, for it will be your last!" 享受这个万圣节吧，凡人们，因为这将是你们最后一次享受它！ "Merasmus arrives on a tide of blood! *小声地* Oh hello, Soldier". 马拉莫斯顺着血潮而来！*小声地*哦你好啊，士兵。

攻击

魔杖猛击

"Arrr!" "Rarrr!" "Rharr!" "Hah!" "Plah!" "Uh huh hah!" "Rahhh!" "Mortis Attagstah!" "Staffus Attackum!" "Hehrrr!"

施展法术

"You cannot run!" 你们在劫难逃！ "Run fools!" 四散而逃吧蠢货们！ "You're all fools!" 你们通通都是些蠢货！ "Hurlus bombinus!" "Mortis Longdistimus!"

投射炸弹

"Bombinomicon! Destroy them!" 炸弹魔书！摧毁他们！ "By the power...of the Bombinomicon!" 以...炸弹魔书之力！ "Booooooombinomicon!" 炸弹魔书！ "Forbidden book! I unchain thee!" 禁忌之书！我将你解放！ "Cower before the Bombinomicon!" 在炸弹魔书面前退缩吧！ "Beebus Barrasbus Bombinomicon!" "Bombinomicon! Heed my call! 炸弹魔书！听我号令！ "Feel the terror...of reading!" 感受...“阅读”的恐惧吧！ "Feel the terror...of books!" 感受...“书籍”的恐惧吧！ "Heads up!" 当心咯！ "Fire in the hole!" 小心法术！ "Grenade!（笑声） 手雷！（笑声） "（疯狂的笑声）" "Bombs! So many bombs!" 炸弹！如此多的炸弹！ "Magic everyone! Magic!" 魔法，凡人们！魔法！ "Yes! Yes! Perfect!" 是的！是的！完美！ "Yes! Flee! Flee, cowards!" 是的！逃吧！逃吧，胆小鬼们！ "（笑声）Run cowards! Run!" （笑声）逃吧蠢货们！逃吧！ "That's right. Run cowards!" 这就对了。逃吧蠢货们！ "（邪恶的笑声）Run cowards! Run!" 逃吧蠢货们！逃吧！ "How will you fight me when you're all so scared?" 被吓得屁滚尿流的你们将如何反抗我呢？ "The fear is inside you!" 恐惧深藏在你的内心之中！ "Fear me! Poop, poop in your pumpkin pants!" 畏惧我吧！吓得屁滚尿流吧！

在一段时间没有遭遇玩家后

（疯狂的笑声） （邪恶的笑声）

魔法咒语

"Basbus Brontu!" "Bontu Barsoma!" "Babmo Bibrundo!" "Bravus Abimbus!" "Barbo Cabarto!" "Abo Alabasbas!" "Lesbo Barrabus!" "Barraparraf Brubus!" "Binto Bartum!" "Bemilus Bronte!" "Mictor Ate!"

魔术误伤

"Son of a...!" 你这该死的... "Herm!" "Gah!" "Gudah!"

受到巨大伤害

"Uhhhh!" "Ahhhhh!" "Ooohhhhh!" "Dawwwww!" "Oughhhh!"

玩家用“炸弹头”魔术击晕马拉莫斯

"Nooo!" "Nooo!" "Yaaah!" "Ahhhh!" "Oh the irony!" 哦这多么可笑！ "Ahhhh! You're still a fool!" 啊！你们愚蠢依旧！ "Ahh!" "Oww! Et tu head bombs?" 啊！你也是吗，炸弹头？ "Ahhhh!" "Ahhhhhhhh!" "Ah! Back! Stay back you fools!" 啊！滚开！给我滚开蠢货们！ "Ah! Magic...powerless...against bombs!" 啊！魔法...对付炸弹...太过无力！ "Ooooh! I did not think this through." 哦！我可没料到会有这一招！ "Ahh! Well played! Fool." 啊！算你们有点本事！蠢货们。 "Nyah! No, don't hit me with it!" 呐！不，别用那玩意儿碰我！ "Haaah!" "No, that really hurt!" 不，那可真是超疼！ "Aah! Ghost pain! It's worse than regular pain!" 啊！幽灵般的痛苦！比一般的痛苦更糟啊！ "Bombinomicon! Betrayer!" 炸弹魔书！你这叛徒！ "Naaah! Oh, Judas book!" 呐！哦，这叛徒魔书！ "Ahh! Who told you to do that?" 啊！谁让你那样做的？ "Naaah!" "Ahh! So weak!" 啊！如此虚弱！ "Fool! Your bombs are only making me weaker!（虚弱的笑声）So weak!" 蠢货！你们的炸弹不过是让我虚弱了一些！（虚弱的笑声）如此虚弱！

隐藏

伪装成一件道具

"Must hide and heal." 得躲起来恢复一下了。 "Must hide and heal." 得躲起来恢复一下了。 "Must hide. Get stronger." 得躲起来，变得更强。 "Must hide. Must heal." 得躲起来恢复一下了。 "Must hide. Must heal." 得躲起来恢复一下了。 "Merasmus must hide." 马拉莫斯得躲起来。 "Merasmus must hide." 马拉莫斯得躲起来。 "No strength. Must hide." 没力量了，得躲起来。 "No! This cannot be the end! Must hide." 不！这绝不会是结局！得躲起来。 "Fools! I will come back stronger!" 蠢货们！我还会变得更强而卷土重来的！ "Fools! Do you not know you deal with the master of hiding!" 蠢货们！你们知道自己正在很隐藏大师作对吗！ "Fools! Feel the terror of my hiding!" 蠢货们！感受我隐藏的恐惧吧！ "You cannot kill me fools! For I am great at hiding!" 你们杀不了我的，蠢货们！因为我超擅长隐藏的！ "The hide-ening! It is here! Okay, need to find a hiding-spot." 开始隐藏！好的，得找个好地方。 "Time to play hide-and-seek...your doom!" 是时候玩玩捉迷藏了...是玩你的毁灭！ "Must hide. Get stronger." 得躲起来，变得更强。 "You have bested my magic! But can you withstand the dark power...of HIDING!" 你虽打败了我的魔法！但你能战胜隐藏的黑暗之力吗！ 如果玩家很长时间都没能找到马拉莫斯 "Demoman! Would you have your eye back? Come find me!" 爆破手！想把眼睛夺回来吗？来找我呀！ （恶毒的笑声）"The longer I hide. The stronger I get." （恶毒的笑声）躲得越久，我就越强。 （抑扬顿挫地）"I'm healing!" （邪恶的笑声） （抑扬顿挫地）我在恢复呢！（邪恶的笑声） "Muhahaha. I'm healing myself. With healing magic." 姆哈哈哈。我在用治疗魔法恢复呢。 "Muhahaha. I'm healing myself. With healing magic. And aspirin." 姆哈哈哈。我在用治疗魔法恢复呢，还有阿司匹林。 （虚弱的笑声） "The longer I hide, the stronger I get." 虚弱的笑声）躲得越久，我就越强。 "The fools! They have no idea how strong I'm getting. Or how loud...I'm..talking..." 那些蠢货全然不知我正变得多么强大，也不清楚我说得...多么...大声。 "He he he! I'm getting stronger!" 呵呵呵！我正变得更强！ "He he he he! I'm getting stronger!" 呵呵呵呵！我正变得更强！ "Oh life courses back into my ghostly wizard veins!" 啊！生命重归我鬼魅般的巫师血脉中！ "Oh hiding heals my battered ghost body! It is a Halloween miracle!" 啊，光是藏起来即可恢复我受伤的妖魔身躯！这简直是个万圣节奇迹！ "If you don't find me soon, I'll get so strong I might die of strength （大笑） That's a real thing!" 如果你们不马上找到我的话，我可能会因为变得太强而暴毙哦（大笑）那可是事实！ "Fools! A wizard heals himself right under your noses!" 蠢货们！一个巫师就在你们眼皮子底下恢复呢！ "Find me soon. I'm getting super strong and totally healed! (laughs) Hiding is the best!" 快找到我吧。我将完全恢复并获得超凡的力量！ "Oh I am healing so much hiding as this pumpkin. Oh no! I gave it away! Or did I? So much mystery." 哦，我正伪装成一个南瓜而恢复了如此之多。哦不！我说漏嘴了...吗？这还真令人费解。 "Aah, hiding...healing...I might never come out." 啊，隐藏...恢复...我怕是永远都不会再现身咯。 "I am hiding, but as what? A pumpkin? A brick! Perhaps a harmless oil drum? Or a brick?" 我正伪装着隐藏呢，但伪装成什么呢？南瓜？砖块？或者一个人畜无害的油桶？ "Come find me! If you dare!" 来找我啊！如果你敢的话！ "I'm hiding. But where? So much mystery!" 我正躲着呢，但是在哪呢？真是令人费解。 "The terrifying hiding mystery...continues!" 令人闻风丧胆的隐藏谜题...就此继续！ "You'll never guess my disguise. It's too cunning!" 你永远猜不出我伪装成什么了！这可真狡猾！ "Find me! ... Nope! Getting colder!" 快找到我啊！...不！越来越冷了！ "Find me! No, getting colder...colder...colder...colder!" 快找到我啊！不，越来越...冷...越来越...冷了！ "You fools! You will never find me!" 你们这帮蠢货！你们永远找不到我！ "Fools! You'll never find me!" 蠢货们！你们永远找不到我！ "I am hidden somewhere in this eldritch realm. But where? Where?" 我就藏在这恐怖区域的某个位置。但是在哪呢？哪呢？ "Where could I be?" 我会藏在哪里呢？ "Hmmm. Where could the best wizard be hiding?" 哼。最强的巫师会藏在哪里呢？ （邪恶的笑声） "Oh I'm not there." 哦，我并不在那哦。 "I'm inside your head!" 我就藏在你脑子里！ "Close. You're getting warmer!" 快到了。你变暖和咯！ "You're close! Oh, so close! Or are you?" 你就快找到了！哦，就差一点！不是吗？ "You're close! Oh, you're so close!" 你就快找到了！哦，你就差那么一点点！ "Hmm. Where could I be?" 哼，我会藏在哪里呢？ "Where could Merasmus be?" 马拉莫斯藏在哪里呢？

被找到

"Huzzah!" "Surprise!" 惊喜！ "Wizard surprise!" 巫师惊喜！ "Magic!" 魔法！ "Emergis Exmortis!" "Boo!" "Boo!" "Bulazbo!"

战斗结果

Leaves

"Goodbye... Forever!" "Alright, I'm leaving now." "Alright, I'm leaving now." "Goodbye, everyone!" "Well, that was fun. Off I go!" "Alright, goodbye everyone!" "Enough! I leave." "A-ha! Too slow! I leave!" *Evil laugh* "Goodbye, forever!" *Evil laugh* "Goodbye, forever! *sotto voce* I'll see you at home, Soldier." "You have amused Merasmus, but now I must attend to other eldritch business. Farewell!" "*Evil laugh* I bid you, farewell!" "Farewell! Happy Halloween, everyone!" "I leave you... to your doom!"

Defeated

"Ach, no!" "You win. No, wait, it's a tie! Argh..." "Aaah!" "Aaah!" "Oooh!" "Nyyaaagh! I hate you so much, Soldier!" "You haven't heard the last of Merasmus the Magician!" "I die, I diieeee... bye Soldier." "I die! Soldier, you were the wooorst roommate!" "I die! I curse this land, for a hundred years!- No! A thousand! Thousand year-oh, I die!" "Noooo!" "Noooo!"

命运之轮 揭晓

命运之轮 转动

"The wheel spins!" "The wheel spins!" "I spin the Wheel of Fate!" "The Wheel of Fate spins!" "You cannot escape the Wheel of Fate!" "Spin, wheel! Spin!" "Spin the wheel, and seal your fate!" "Yes, spin the wheel, you fools. See what horrors are in store for you." "Prepare to feel the wrath of the Wheel of Fate!" "Yes, spin the Wheel of Fate!" "Your fate... is at hand!" "The Wheel of Fate is a fickle mistress." "The wheel spins!" "(laughter) Your fate is at hand." "The wheel will be your undoing." "Yes... Yes! The wheel!" "Yes... Yes! Fate!" "The wheel! Come on wheel, Merasmus needs this." "The wheel! Come on wheel, you owe me." "The wheel! Come on... Set them all on fire." "The wheel! Come on... Big. Head. Come on, big head."

Big Head fate

"Big heads!" "(laughter) Big head fate! Big head fate!" "I curse your heads... with bigness!" "You cannot escape the terror... of your own giant head!" "Super big heads!" "Plague of head-biggening!" "Big heads! The horror! The horror!"

Small Head fate

"Shrunken heads!" "Tiny heads!" "Teeny, tiny heads! As foretold in prophecy." "Feel the tiny eldritch terror of an itty... bitty... head!" "Like your tiny heads? THANK MAGIC!" "Teeny, tiny heads!"

Super Speed fate

"Super Speed!"

Dance fate

"Dance fools!" "Darkness falls across the land! The dancing hour is close at hand!" "And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spasmus. For no mere mortal can resist, the magic of Merasmus!" "Dance. Dance! DANCE!" "Plague of dancing!"

Whammy fates

Bleed effect "The bloodening!" "Blood-letting!" "Let the blood flow!" "Blood fate!" "Plague of blood!" Fire effect "Firestorm!" "Fire!" "Fire, yes! Now you're all on fire!" "Fire! Oh, that's a good one!" "Burn fools, burn!" "BURN!" "Burn fools!" "Hellfire!" Rain of Jarate "Jarate!" "Jarate! No magic is beneath Merasmus!" "Jarate! That is what you think it is!" "Rain of waste!" "Jarate! Merasmus is...sorry about this one." "Jarate! Merasmus is...not proud...of this one." "Rain of Jarate!" "Rain of Jarate! *sotto voce* I'm sorry about this." "Jarate!" "Jarate! Jarate for everyone!" "Jarate for everyone! I'm so, so sorry!" Summoning Ghosts "Ghosts!" "Let the haunting... begin!" "Rise, rise from your graves!" "Plague of ghosts!"

Low Gravity fate

"Low gravity!" "Gravity displeases me, so I have removed it!" "Gravity displeases me, so I have removed it! ...Most of it!" "Gravity! I banish thee!" "Bid farewell to your precious gravity!"

Super Jump fate

"Super jumping!" "High jump!"

Guaranteed Critical Hit fate

"It is the crit boostening!"

ÜberCharge fate

"You are GODS! *sotto voce* ...I don't know why I put that on the wheel..." "You are GODS! Magic! It is not an exact science." "Invincible! INVINCIBL- Wait, wait, what?" "Everybody's invincible! Muhahahaha! Fools! Ahahaha... eheh... Hold on..." "You are GODS! Nahahaha... Enjoy your false confidence. It will be your doom!" "You are GODS! Aha, that may seem good, but it will be bad. In the fullness of time." "You are GODS! I... meant to do that. It will go badly for you. You watch." "You are GODS! Wait, no no no no no!" "ÜBERCHARGE!"

Bombinomicon

Attached to player's head

"Ey, buddy! I'm gonna give you a bomb head. Go run at that wizard." "Ey, buddy! I'm gonna give you a bomb head. Go run at that wizard." "I'm gonna give you a bomb head. Go run at that wizard. Oh boy, let's do this!" "Ey, go blow up that wizard for me, eh?" "We don't got a lot of time, run at that wizard, okay?" "Hey, you! Take this! Go run at that wizard, okay? Okay." "Hey, I'm a bomb book! It's pretty good." "You and me, buddy! We're gonna blow that wizard up." "Ey, it's you! Yeah, take this. It's good. You gonna like this bomb head." "Ey, it's me, the Bombinomicon! Oh, man, this is great!" "Ey, buddy, no time to explain! Run at that wizard!" "Pow! Zoop! Run at that wizard!" "Hey, it's me, the bomb book! Run at that wizard! Yeah, let's do it!" "Bombinomicon! Givin' you a bomb head. Oh boy, let's do this!" "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon! It's pretty good! Your head's a bomb now! Okay, good luck." "Your head's a bomb now! Okay, good luck." "Your head's a bomb now! Oh, it's really good! Okay, good luck." "Nice head. Now it's a bomb! I'm the greatest!" "Nice head, buddy. Bomb head! It's good stuff." "Ey, you got a head! Great! Now it's a bomb head." "Ey there! Pow! Bomb head! Oh, it's really good. Off I go." "Pow! Bomb head! Off I go." "Ey, buddy! You look like you could use a bomb for a head. Pow! Zoop! Off I go." "Ey, buddy! You look like you could use a bomb for a head. Pow! Zoop! Oh, it's really good." "Bombinomicon! Givin' you a bomb head. It's what I do." "Bombinomicon! Givin' you a bomb head. Ey, it's pretty nice." "Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you. Your head looks real nice. So long!" "Pow! Zoop! You're gonna like this bomb head!" "Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you." "Po-po-BAM! Bomb head for you! [laugh] Oh, it's good." "Oh, I hate that wizard. 'Ey! You should go blow him up." "Oh, I HATE that wizard! You should go blow him up." "The wizard! Go blow him up! So long!" "Ey, guy! What's up? Your head's a bomb now. Okay, we're good." "Ey, guy! What's up? Your head's a bomb now. Okay, we're good." "Your head's a bomb now! Okay, good stuff. Good stuff." "Your head's a bomb now! This is gonna be the BEST!" "Givin' you a bomb head! It's what I do." "Man, you got a nice head. Now it's a bomb head." "Po-po-BAM! Your head--it looks real nice."

Held up

"Yeah, let's do this!" "Yeah, let's do it!" "Ey, guys!" "Yeah, sure!" "Sure, why not?" "Okay, let's do this!" "YES! This is the greatest!" "Oh-ho, this is is gonna be good!" "Hey, everybody! I'm the Bombinomicon!" "Oh boy, let's do this!" "Oh boy, let's do this!" "Yeah, let's do it!" "Yeah, yeah!" "Yeah, yeah!" "Oh, this is gonna be the best!" "You got it!" "All right, stand back!" "Good stuff!" "Oh yeah! Get to throw some bombs!" "This is gonna be the best!" "This is gonna be the best!" "Hey, everybody!" "Have some bombs, guys!" "Yeah! Ha-ha!" "Yeah! Ha-ha!" "Here's a whole bunch of bomb stuff!"

Skull Island welcome

"Hey, guys! Beat that wizard, huh? Good stuff, good stuff, buddy." "How do you like this island? Pretty nice, huh? Waterfront property. Yeah, it's mine. Well, it's a timeshare. It's good for romancing the ladies though, no? There's this little cookbook I've been seeing, and--hey, it's pretty nice." "Well, you feel free to poke around, I guess. You know, looks like that's what you're doing anyway, right? [laughs] Feel free to steal everything that isn't nailed down. Hey, I'm a book! What do I need with it?"

Upon getting the Skull Island Topper

"Ah, Merasmus' skull hat. That's gonna look real nice on your head." "Ah, Merasmus' skull hat! Ey, it's pretty nice." "Ah, Merasmus' skull hat! Good choice, buddy. Very nice choice."

Scream Fortress 2013

Mann Brothers

Payload Race

The following are the Payload Race responses as spoken by Redmond Mann (while on RED) and Blutarch Mann (while on BLU) on Helltower.

Round Start

Redmond "This is Redmond Mann speaking from an unspecified location beyond the grave. I may be dead, but as long as you're cashing my checks, you'll damn well do what you're told. And I'm telling you to push my brother to hell!" "It is I, your employer, Redmond Mann, from beyond the grave. I've given you thick-skulled slugs one thing to do for a hundred years now: Shoot each other. Now I'm giving you something even easier to do: Push that cart!" "This is Redmond Mann, and I've got one simple request: Send my brother to hell!" "This is your employer, and I've got a job for you: Send my brother to hell!" "Listen up you reprobates. This is Redmond Mann. That corpse belongs to my idiot brother. Send it to hell!" "Listen up you thugs. This is Redmond Mann speaking. And I've got a job for you: Send my brother to hell!" Blutarch "Listen up, you thugs. This is Blutarch Mann speaking. I may be dead, but as long as you're cashing my checks, you'll damn well do what you're told. And I'm telling you, from beyond the grave, to push my brother to hell! Until I tell you to stop!" "It is I, your employer, Blutarch Mann. From beyond the grave! I've given you thick-skulled slugs one thing to do for a hundred years now: Shoot each other! Now I'm giving you something even easier to do: Push my brother to hell!" "This is Blutarch Mann speaking. That corpse belongs to my idiot brother. Send it to hell!" "This is Blutarch Mann, with one simple request: Send my brother to hell!" "This is Blutarch Mann speaking. Push! That! Cart!

RED team in the lead

Redmond "Yes! Yes! Yes yes yes!" "Yes, that's it! Push!" "We're winning! Push!" "Good, good!" "Yes!" "Perfect!" "Sweet mother of gravel, we're winning!" "Whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it!" "Whatever it is you're doing, it's working!" "We're winning! Do you hear me, Blutarch! I'm winning!" "I'm doing it! I'm finally actually really doing it! I am the best man!" "I'm winning! And you're losing, Blutarch! I will be the last man standing!" "How do you like those ghostly apples, Blutarch? No need to answer. They are bitter, tart ash in your mouth, I'm sure of it! Yes, yes, yes yes yes..." "We're winning! Do you hear me, Blutarch? The Badlands are mine!" "We're winning! Do you hear me, Blutarch? I'm the best son!" "I'm doing it! I'm sending you to hell, Blutarch!" "Yes! I should've died years ago!" "Yes! All of my beautiful ghost plans are being realized!" "We're winning! Getting stabbed nine times in the heart was the greatest thing to ever happen to me!" "Yes! Sending my brother to hell was my best idea since the pregnancy machine! ...Which isn't off the table, by the way." Blutarch "Push!" "Keep pushing the cart!" "Push the cart!" "Get to the cart!" "Don't leave my brother!" "Push my brother!" "Hell is that way! Push!" "Drag your knuckles to that cart, you thick-browed member of the servant class!" "Do you have any idea what ungodly sum I'm paying you vagrants to push a corpse a hundred feet?" "All you have to do is push a haunted corpse on a railcart into a gaping hell-mouth! It's not gravel science." "Keep pushing!" "Puuuush!" "We're losing!" "We're behind!" "They're trouncing us!" "Biscuits and buncum, we're losing!" "Barnbiscuits, we're behind!" "We're losing!" "Hogwater, we're losing!" "Pissdumplings! They're winning!" "Posspuddle... We're losing!" "What am I paying you for?! Get my brother to hell!" "Why is my brother not in hell yet?" "Wait a minute... Am I closer to hell than my brother?" "Fight harder, you imbeciles!" "Fight, you nincompoops!" "Damn you Redmond!"

BLU team in the lead

Redmond "Push!" "Puuuush!" "Keep pushing!" "Keep pushing the cart!" "Get to the cart!" "Don't leave the cart!" "Puuuush!" "Puuuuuuush!" "No, you stupid poor people!" "Blast! I should've hired the BLU team!" "We're losing!" "We're behind! Fight harder, you imbeciles!" "They're winning!" "Fight, you nincompoops! They're beating us!" "Biscuits and buncum, we're losing!" "Patswater! They're winning!" "Posspoddle, we're losing!" "Pissdumplings! They're beating us!" "Hogwater, we're losing!" "Boggarbottom! We're losing!" "Why is my brother not in hell yet?" "What am I paying you for? Push my brother to hell!" "Wait a minute... Am I closer to hell than my brother?" "Why is my brother winning?" "You charlatans promised me you'd send my brother to hell!" "Damn it all, get that ratstink carcass to hell! Or by gravel, I will end you!" "What the gravel am I paying you for?" "You unwashed reprobates! It's not gravel science!" "Damn you Blutarch!" Blutarch "Yes! Yes yes yes yes!" "Yes, that's it! Push!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Good, good!" "Perfect!" "Sweet mother of gravel, we're winning!" "We're winning! Do you hear me, Redmond? I'm winning!" "Yes! I should've died years ago!"

Redmond nearing final checkpoint

Redmond "Good gravel! I'm almost to hell, you idiots! Do something!" Blutarch "Good gravel! You've almost done it!" "Whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it!" "Whatever it is you're doing, it's working!" "I'm doing it! I'm finally actually really doing it! I am the best man!" "I'm winning! And you're losing, Redmond! I will be the last man standing!" "How do you like those ghostly apples, Redmond? No need to answer. They are bitter, tart ash in your mouth, I'm sure of it! Yes yes yes..." "I'm doing it! I'm sending you to hell, Redmond! I'm the best brother!" "Yes! All my beautiful ghost plans are being realized!" "We're winning! Getting stabbed nine times in the heart was the greatest thing to ever happen to me!" "Yes! Sending my brother to hell was my best idea since the pregnancy machine! ...Which isn't off the table, by the way." "We're winning! Do you hear me, Redmond? The Badlands are mine!" "We're winning! Do you hear me, Redmond? You're going to hell!"

Blutarch nearing final checkpoint

Redmond "Good gravel! You've almost done it!" Blutarch "Good gravel! I'm almost to hell, you idiots! Do something!" "You charlatans promised me you'd send my brother to hell!" "No, you stupid poor people!" "Blast! I should've hired the RED team!" "Damn it all, get that ratstink carcass to hell! Or by gravel, I will end you!" "What the gravel am I paying you for?"

Payload Race won

Redmond "I've done it!" "Yes! Yes yes yes yes! I did it!" "Rot in hell, Blutarch! I win!" "Look at me now, father! I won!" "Mine! All of the Badlands is finally mine!" "After a hundred years, I am the last man standing!" "I won! Wait, where are you all going?" "I won! Now you all can go to hell!" "I won! And just so I don't have to pay you, go to hell!" *laughs* Blutarch "I've done it!" "Yes! Yes yes yes!" "Yes, yes yes yes! I did it!" "I won!" "Rot in hell, Redmond! I win!" "Mine! All of the Badlands is finally mine!" "I am the last man standing!" "Wait! Where are you all going?" "I won! Now you all can go to hell!" "I won! And just so I don't have to pay you, you all can go to hell!" *long laughter* *coughing* "Go to hell!" *laughing*

Payload Race lost

Redmond "No! Noooooooo!" "No! Noooooooooooo!" "I'm taking you to hell with me!" "Damn you Blutarch!" "Happy Hallowee-" *fades off* "Damn you Blutarch!" "Nooooooo-" *fades off* "No! Noooooo!" Blutarch "No! Noooooooo!" "Bleaaaaaaaaaaah Redmond!" "Daaaaaaaaah!" "Well I tried." "I'm taking you to hell with me!" "You're all comin' with me!" "Noooooooo-" *fades off* "Bleaaaaaaaaaaah Redmon-" *fades off*

Hell Outcomes

Victory Redmond "Yes! Yes yes yes yes! I did it!" *victory theme* Blutarch "Yes! Yes yes yes!" *victory theme* Loss Redmond "No! Nooooo!" *boos* Blutarch "No! Noooooooo!" *boos* Stalemate Redmond "What the gravel am I paying you for?" *stalemate theme* Blutarch "What the gravel am I paying you for?" *stalemate theme*

Magic-Related

Spells have spawned

Redmond "Good! The spells have appeared, just as I planned! Yes... yes! This update almost makes too much sense!" *laughs* "Gather spells while you can!" "Spells! Spells everywhere!" "Gather spells before they disappear!" "Grab the spells and cast them!" "Grab the spells! Cast them on Blutarch's idiot army!" "Spells!" Blutarch "Gather spells while you can!" "Spells! Get them before they disappear!" "Gather spells before they disappear!" "Spells! They've spilled out of the hellhole!" "Spells! Spells everywhere!" "Grab the spells and cast them!" "Grab the spells! Cast them on Redmond's idiot army!"

The Witching Hour begins

Redmond "The Witching Hour!" "It's midnight! Gather spells while you can!" "Yes, it's the Witching Hour!" "Yes, the Witching Hour is upon us!" "The Witching Hour! When the wall between worlds grows thin!" "It's midnight! Again!" "The Witching Hour! Again!" "It's midnight again! Gather spells while you can!" "It's midnight again?" "It's midnight! ...Again!" "It's midnight..." *inhales* "Again!" Blutarch "The Witching Hour!" "It's midnight!" "Yes! It's the Witching Hour!" "Yeeees! The Witching Hour is upon us." "The Witching Hour! When the wall between worlds grows weak and withered!" "It's midnight. Again!" "It's midnight again. Oh, I hate this holiday!" "It's happening again!" "It's happening again!" "It's midnight! Again!" "It's midnight again?" "It's midnight again!" "It's midnight! Again!" "It's midnight again!"

Hell Island bridge is open

Redmond "The bridge is down!" "The bridge, you fools! Get the good magic..." "Hell Island is open! The bridge is down!" "Hurry! Cross the bridge to Hell Island! That's where the good spells are!" "The bridge, you lackeys! I sense great magic..." "The bridge! Across it lies power beyond imagination!" "Don't settle for this paltry stuff! Cross the bridge!" "Hurry! Cross the bridge! Gather up the best spells!" "Cross the bridge!" Blutarch "The bridge is down!" "The bridge, you fools!" "The bridge, you lackeys!" "Hell Island is open! The bridge is down!" "Hurry! Cross the bridge to Hell Island! Get the good magic!" "Hurry! Cross the bridge! Gather up the best spells!" "The bridge! Across it lies power beyond imagination!" "Don't settle for this paltry stuff! Cross the bridge!"

Enemies have spawned

Redmond "Zombies!" "Hell zombies!" "Oh no, werewolves! No, wait... skeletons! Zombies? It doesn't matter, just run!" "Zombies, no! Wait... " *muttering* "Hold on, let me check... Oh god! Hell zombies!" "The Skeleton King! Oh... gravelpits, you are in for it now!" "Oh good, the Skeleton King's he- NO! That's bad!" "It's the Skeleton King!" "We've awoken the Skeleton King!" Blutarch "The hell is happening now?" "What's happening down there?" "What the gravel is happening down there?" "Aw, no! Zombies!" "Zombies!" "Hell zombies!" "Oh no, werewolves! No, wait... skeletons! Zombies? It doesn't matter, just run!" "Hell zombies! Oh gravelpits, you are in for it now!" "Zombies, no! Wait... Hold on, let me check it... Oh god! Hell zombies!" "Oh no, it's the Skeleton King!" "Oh good, the Skeleton King's here." "It's the Skeleton King!" "Run! It's the Skeleton King!" "It's the Horseless Headless Horsemann!" "The Skeleton King! Ah gravelpits, you are in for it now!"

Miscellaneous

Mann Brothers Arguing

(Redmond) "Spells! Don't pick them up, they're all poison!" (Blutarch) "Don't listen to my idiot brother, get them!" (Blutarch) "Spells! Don't pick them up, they're all poison!" (Redmond) "Don't listen to my idiot brother, get them!" (Redmond) "Send my ratstink brother to hell!" (Blutarch) "Don't listen to him, send MY imbecile brother to hell!" (Redmond) "What? No! No!" (Blutarch) *short laugh* (Redmond) "I hope you'll enjoy hell, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) "Yes, I'll enjoy staring down at it, from heaven! While you BURN, brother!" (Redmond) "Noooo!" (Blutarch) *short laugh* (Redmond) "That gravel... It will be mine, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) "There is no gravel where you're going, brother!" (Redmond) "Oh? And where is that, exactly?" (Blutarch) "Hell, Redmond!" (Redmond) "What?" (Blutarch) "What do you think is going on here?" (Blutarch) "Send my brother to hell!" (Redmond) "What? No! Don't do it!" (Blutarch) "DO do it!" (Redmond) "No!" (Blutarch) "Continue doing it!" (Redmond) "Nooooooo!" (Redmond) "Send my brother to hell!" (Blutarch) "Don't do it!" (Redmond) "Do do it!" (Blutarch "No!" (Redmond) "Continue doing it!" (Blutarch) "Nooooooo!" (Redmond) "BLU team! Stop fighting! My brother and I call truce!" (Blutarch) "Shut up, Redmond!" (Redmond) *laughing* (Blutarch) "Keep fighting! Don't listen to my idiot brother!" (Blutarch) "RED team! Stop fighting! My brother and I call truce!" (Redmond) "Shut up, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) *laughing* (Redmond) "Keep fighting! Don't listen to my idiot brother!" (Redmond) "Look at your corpse, brother. As ugly in death as you were in life, so shriveled and red..." (Blutarch) "That's you, you imbecile!" (Redmond) "What? No!" (Redmond) "Send him to hell! Who's the idiot brother now, brother?" (Blutarch) "You, Redmond!" (Redmond) "Nooooo!" (Blutarch) "Ha ha ha! I've turned it around on you!" (Redmond) "I'll see you in hell, brother!" (Blutarch) "Only one of us is going to hell, Redmond!" (Redmond) "Then I suppose I won't see you in hell, brother!" (Blutarch) "I'm afraid I'll be the one not seeing you!" (Redmond) "We shall see." (Blutarch) "I won't!" (Redmond) "The Witching Hour is over!" (Blutarch) "Don't listen to him!" (Redmond) *laughing* (Blutarch) "It's just beginning! It is the Witching Hour!" (Blutarch) "The Witching Hour is over!" (Redmond) "Don't listen to him!" (Blutarch) *laughing* (Redmond) "It's just beginning! It is the Witching Hour!" (Redmond) "I'm doing it, father! I'm winning!" (Blutarch) "Don't listen to him, father! It's still anyone's game right now!" (Blutarch) "I'm doing it, father! I'm winning!" (Redmond) "Don't listen to him, father! It's still anyone's game right now!" (Redmond) "Do you feel the flames of hell yet, brother?" (Blutarch) "I do, brother! It is the heat of victory!" (Redmond) "What? No! I feel it too! I only feel it!" (Blutarch) "Yes! Pushing! I'm a tactical genius!" (Redmond) "What? I invented pushing years ago!" (Blutarch) "The only thing you invented years ago was losing to me right now!" (Redmond) "Noooooo!" (Blutarch) *laughing* (Blutarch) "Dear Lord! This is Blutarch Mann speaking!" (Redmond) "And Redmond." (Blutarch) "Shut up, Redmond, I'm praying! Lord, please send my brother to hell. Amen." (Redmond) "Lord, wait! Whatever he's praying to you for, I'll double it." (Blutarch) "No!" (Redmond) "Ha ha ha ha! I win at praying, brother." (Redmond) "Blutarch, we're family. Tell you what, on the count of three, let's both apologize and go to heaven. One, two, three. I'm-" (Blutarch) "I'm sorry. No!" (Redmond) *laughing* (Blutarch) "I meant I'm sorry that I'm sending you to hell!" (Redmond) "No!" (Blutarch) "And I'm not! Sorry!" (Blutarch) Knock knock." (Redmond) "Who is it?" (Blutarch) "Redmond, it's Blutarch! This is a knock knock joke! Open this door at once!" (Redmond) "No thank you." (Blutarch) "Redmond, I assure you I will make it worth your while. Now knock knock" (Redmond) "Who is it?" (Blutarch) "It's your brother Blutarch! Now for God's sake let me in! Someone's trying to send me to Hell!" (Redmond) "I'm trying to send you to Hell. *laughs* (Blutarch) "Good Lord! That changes everything! I'll finish the joke later!" (Blutarch) *giggling* (Redmond) "What's so funny, brother?" (Blutarch) "Oh, I'm just thinking about all the gravel I'll have when you're gone." (Redmond) "And where do you intend to get all this gravel in hell, brother? While I'm on Earth, which is virtually made of gravel?" (Blutarch) "The devil! I plan to trade him all your gravel for it!" (Redmond) *gasps* "Don't you dare, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) "Yes! Yes! Send my brother to hell!" (Redmond) "Wait, what was that?" (Blutarch) "I'm not talking to you, Redmond. I'm talking to the mercs!" (Redmond) "My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!" (Blutarch) "Come on brother. What could they possibly be doing?" (Redmond) "Sending you to hell, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) "What? RED team! Stop what you're doing!" (Redmond) "Belay that order, RED team!" (Redmond) "Yes! Yes! Send my brother to hell!" (Blutarch) "Wait, what was that?" (Redmond) "I'm not talking to you, Blutarch. I'm talking to the mercs!" (Blutarch) "My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!" (Redmond) "Come on brother. What could they possibly be doing?" (Blutarch) "Sending you to hell, Redmond!" (Redmond) "What? BLU team! Stop what you're doing!" (Blutarch) "Belay that order, BLU team!" (Redmond) "You there! BLU team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!" (Blutarch) "You imbecile!" *shuffling noise* (Blutarch) "This is what I'm paying them!" (Redmond) "Geh! Never mind!" (Blutarch) "You there! RED team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!" (Redmond) "Blutarch!" *shuffling noise* (Redmond) "This is what I'm paying them!" (Blutarch) "Ah! Never mind!" (Redmond) "Look at me now, father!" (Zepheniah Mann) "You did great, son." (Redmond) "Yes, yes! Yes yes yes!" (Zepheniah) "Gray is still my favorite though." (Redmond) "What? No!" (Blutarch) "Look at me now, father!" (Zepheniah) "You did great, son." (Blutarch) "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" (Zepheniah) "Gray is still my favorite though." (Blutarch) "No! Noooo!"

Unknown condition

Blutarch "This update almost makes too much sense!" *laughing* "It all makes perfect sense!" "What the gravel am I paying you for? I'll tell you: I'm not! Unless you get my brother to hell!" "All you have to do is send my brother's haunted corpse to hell, then run across a bridge to an enchanted island every time the clock strikes midnight every one and a half minutes to get powerful spells you can use to defeat your enemy, who will be doing the exact same thing, but with my haunted corpse! My only worry is this update makes too much sense." "I am speaking to you from the great beyond! But make no mistake, my lawyers are still on Earth, and they will prosecute if you do not fulfill your contract. In fact, they're right over there in that evil castle! That's right! They built a terrifying mansion from which to conduct their day business!" *chuckle* "I sense a disturbance in the force... Hold on. Okay, I'm back. My lawyers tell me I'm sensing nothing."

Bombinomicon

Hell Island welcome

"Welcome to Hell! Now fight to the death. Whaddya gonna do?" "Hey, welcome to Hell! Holy crap, it's you guys! Hey, you guys. Hey, pow zoop. Fight to the death." "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Guess what, guys? You're in Hell! It's good stuff. You're gonna like it here! Okay, now fight to the death." "Hey, welcome to Hell! How are you guys doing? That's great, now fight to the death." "Hey hey! You made it! Welcome to Hell. Free stuff for everybody...who is still alive in a minute. Hey, it's Hell, what are ya gonna do?" "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Guess what, guys? You're in Hell. It's good stuff. You're gonna like it here." "Hey hey! It's me, the Bombinomicon. Guess what? I'm the Devil! Now fight to the death." "Hey hey! It's me, the Bombinomicon. I'm the Devil now, welcome to Hell." "Hey guys, up here! It's me, the bomb book, from last year! Welcome to Hell! Okay, now fight to the death." "Hey, welcome to Hell! How are you guys doing? That's great, now fight to the death." "Hey, it's you guys! Hey, guess where you are? Hell! Yes, pretty good." "Guess what guys? You're in Hell. It's good stuff, you're gonna like it here! Now fight to the death." "Hey, it's me the Bombinomicon. Bad news, you're in Hell. Good news, I'm the Devil! Hey, pow zoop." *laughs merrily* "Fight to the death" "Hey hey, guys, it's me, the bomb book! Welcome to Hell! Okay, now fight to the death." "Hey, it's you guys! Welcome to Hell! Pow zoop! Go crazy nuts." "Hey, it's me the Bombinomicon. You guys gonna have a lot of fun in Hell. It's Hell, everybody likes it! Fight to the death." "Hey hey! It's me, the Bombinomicon. I'm the Devil now." (laughs eagerly) "Fight to the death." "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Guess what, I'm the Devil! Welcome to Hell." "Holy crap, it's you guys! Welcome to Hell! Hey hey! You brought me a soul. Nice work guys. Now I just need nine more. Let's go." "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Welcome to Hell. Hey, pow zoop, fight to the death."

Hell Island battle end

"Hey, there you are. Here's a gift." "Hey, you made it." "There he is. Here's some free crap." "Hey, you won! Grab some stuff. It's free." "Get up here, steal anything you like. You're in Hell! How much worse could it get?" "Okay guys, first come first serve." "Happy Halloween, you knuckleheads." "Hey, you did it. Get up here, grab some free crap, you earned it." "Hey, you're the best! All right, grab some free crap and get out of here. I got a lot of devil stuff to do. Pow zoop!" "Oh oh man, that was quick! You guys are some bad dudes! All right, here are some parting gifts, cause you gotta go." "Okay, let's go guys! I gotta close up Hell. It's not a 7-Eleven." (laughs) "Grab some gifts before you go, bye you guys!" "Ooh, that did not take long, you guys are some crazy nuts guys, let me tell you! Okay let's see here. Oh yeah, got some gifts for you." "Okay, we'll talk here for a minute guys. You, you guys are the real heroes of Hell. Here, I have bunches of gifts. Go ahead with the serving." "Okay, good stuff, now get out of here you knuckleheads!" (whispering) "I love you guys." "Man, they're going to make you guys the Devil!" (laughs evilly) "Not really though, because that's me and I'm the best. Go ahead and have some gifts and get out of here, you crazy guys." "Guys, guys guys guys. Let me get real with you for a minute. This is why I got into the Devil business. You, you crazy nuts guys, tearing each other apart like animals." (tearfully) "I think I got a burning cinder in my eye or something. Get some gifts and get out of here you nuts." "Okay, good stuff! Get up here, grab a gift, the Devil's a little busy here. I got to go rig an election with Quebec. A local election, but you know, I'm the Devil. I've got to sweat the small stuff." "Okay good, you're done! Man I hate goodbyes. Luckily we're in Hell, so nobody ever gets to leave." (laughs jubilantly) "Except you guys! You guys are so special, guys. Oh good, I got some special gifts! Then you gotta go." "Oh man, that was great, you guys! Man, we are all having a go- Well, not everybody. But we are having a good time in Hell, ah? Good times, yes. Good Hell times. Grab your gifts!" "Oh man, you guys are some scary bad dudes, I'm so scared!" (chuckles) "Come on, I'm the Devil! You kidding me? Take your free crap and get out of here."

Unknown Conditions

"Hey, you brought souls! Good stuff, you guys are the best." "Keep fighting, it's cool stuff!" "Hey hey, kill each other! Oh you guys are the best. Not you Sniper." "Man, you guys are the best at Hell. I should know, I'm the Devil." "Man, I'm good being the Devil. See all that fire? That was my idea." "Everybody, take a knee. Dear God, thank you for making me the Devil, and putting all these great guys in Hell. Pow zoop!" "Why don't you stay a while? Stay forever!" (laughs evilly) "I'm kidding." (whispers) "You guys are going to have go pretty soon." "Man, you guys are really killing each other. I'm the Devil, and I think it's pretty gruesome." "Man, I'm such a good Devil. They'll have to give me a hell-raise!" (laughter) "I am cracking myself up down here." "Hey, look at us. We all die together, in Hell. Yeah, it's pretty good." "So, trick or treat, ah? What are you guys supposed to be? Man everybody got a good costume this year. Come on up here and get some free crap." "One, two... Oh, man, there's a lot of you. Tell you what, thin the herd a little. I'll give you some gifts." "Oh, I got some good stuff for you guys, look at all this!" "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" (laughs maliciously) "It's not me, we're in Hell." "Man, you guys got some nice souls. Tell you what, you kill each other, anybody who is still alive is gonna get some good stuff." "Hey, when you go back to Earth, make sure you tell everybody I'm the Devil now. Oh I'm gonna be famous. Oh, I'm gonna be more famous than Lord of the Rings!" "Oh! Look at all this great crap I got here! How am I going to use all this crap? You guys should take some. I insist! You guys are the best." "You guys, hey, you guys! Be brutally honest, am I the best Devil?" *pause* "Ah! I knew it!" *joyous laughter* "Hell is so great, you guys." "Ah ha, that's right, killing each other!" (eager laughter) "Aw man, it makes me feel good to see you guys having so much fun." "So, how have you guys been doing? Soldier, still have that stupid wizard for a roommate? Oh, that guy, I could tell you some- You know what? You keep fighting, we catch up later." "Hey, you brought souls! Good stuff, you guys are the best." "Let me tell you, you guys are like the Tom Jones of tearing a dude's face off. That's not me talking, that's Tom Jones. Yeah, he down here. Tom, say something!" (laughs maliciously) "Who am I kidding? He's choking on a bottle of molten deer poop." "Okay, twist ending guys. Here comes the big twist! I'm an angel, and we're in Heaven!" (laughter) "This was a test all along!" (more laughter) "No, I'm pulling your leg, there is no Heaven. There is Hell in every direction."

Eternaween

The following are mysteriously spoken by Merasmus when voting for Enteraween successfully passes.

Eternaween Activated

"I am Merasmus! And this...is Eternaween!" "Happy Halloween mode!" "It's Eternaween! The eternal Halloween!" "Your calendar's not broken, it's your mind! Halloween mode!" "It is I, Merasmus! Say...does anyone on this server love Halloween?! Halloween mode!" "It's Eternaween! The eternal Halloween! As foretold by Discount Costume Warehouse! Awooo!" "Hello, it is I, Merasmus! Happy Halloween, everybody! FOREVER!!" "Welcome to T-G-I-Halloween, where it's always Halloween! I'm Merasmus, your server! We have a couple of lovely specials tonight: ONE OF THEM IS YOUR OWN DEATH! The other is loaded tuscan flatbread." "It is I, Merasmus! Welcome...to Halloween mode!" "I am Merasmus! And this...is Eternaween! The eternal Halloween!" "It's Eternaween! The eternal Halloween! Your calendar...has gone insane!" "Halloween mode! It's the devil's business!" "It's Halloween! FOREVER!!"

Scream Fortress VI (2014)

Merasmus

Special Delivery

Setup time

"Five." "Four!" "Three!" "Two!" "One!"

Match Start

"Greeting mortals! It is I, Merasmus! Do you think you've got what it takes to try the world's biggest strongman game? Because you don't! It's too big! No mortal is strong enough! (laughter) It was an unwise investment!" "Welcome fools, to your doom! It is I, Merasmus! Behold! An ancient Sumerian strongman game! It is old! It it evil! And it is not free! Have your tickets ready." "Hello fools! It is I, Merasmus! Step right up, if you dare, and test your collective might against the world's biggest strongman game! Are you strong enough to discover how weak you are? If you don't buy a ticket, you'll never know!" "Greetings mortals! It is I, Merasmus! I see you brought your guns! But are they big enough to best my ancient Sumerian strongman game? There's only one way to find out: get your tickets!" "It is I, mortals, Merasmus the wizard! Welcome to my dark carnival of the macabre! Admit One...to MADNESS! (laughter) Step right up and test your measly might on my Strongmann Game of the Damned!" "Good evening, mortals! Welcome to Merasmus' circus berzekus! My big top of beastly abominations! My carnival of carnage! (laughter) Test your miserable might on my infernal Strongmann Machine! (laughter)" "Welcome mortals to my Magic Kingdom!...which is unaffiliated with any other Magic Kingdom that may or may not exist. Step right up and get your tickets from me! For I am the Ticket Master!...again, not a term Merasmus officially owns." (See: Magic Kingdom and Ticketmaster) "It is Halloween! The time of year when the doorways between our world and the next swing wide! That...and President's Day. That's still only two times! So you've got to pick your battles if you're Merasmus!" "Greetings mortals...and こんにちは! Yes, Merasmus is learning Japanese...in the likely event that he will have to beg for his life! Why? Well, therein lies a tale of horror! Short version: Merasmus owes $12,000 to the Japanese Mafia!" (Translation: "konnichiwa" (good afternoon)) "A harvest moon hangs pendulously in the sky, mortals! That's right, the moon's giving us the green light for harvesting! Apropos of nothing, I hope you all brought your souls! (laughter) And money. Because Merasmus has sunk a lot into this circus." Upon return "Oh good, you're back! That last time I transported you to a nightmare realm of bumper car madness! This time, I promise not to. Go get a Ticket for the Strongmann game!" "Hah! I tricked you! You thought Merasmus was giving you an innocent circus ride! And instead it was a hellish bumper car slaughter! OK! Go get another ticket for the Strongmann game! This time I'm not tricking you." "I hope you brought your souls with you! Why? Oh no reason! (laughter) *sotto voce* Oh, I'm going to take their souls. It's going to be so good! Score one for Merasmus!" "Go on. Pretend Merasmus isn't even here. Kill everyone like you would normally." "'I don't think any of you are strong enough to best my Strongmann game! Signed: Merasmus.' That's right, I'm having this speech notarized as we speak! It's official: you are too weak!" "No Ticket, no ride! Do you think an evil circus runs on souls? Because it does! But not entirely. Mostly it runs on electricity and that costs money." "You know what runs on souls? Inter-dimensional doorways to dark realms beyond the knowing of man! You know what doesn't run on souls? Lightbulbs. They still still use electricity and that costs money. No Ticket, no ride." "Yes, yes! Keep killing each other! Look at those bodies piling up! This will be the greatest circus graveyard of all time! Screw you ancient Sumeria!" "Can you even trust your own senses? Imagine stepping back from a skeleton you've just knifed to death. Only it is your best friend! That's the kind of psychological thrills you can expect every night at Merasmus' dark circus!" "Bonzo, the ancient Sumerian circus god, are you not entertained? What's that? No? You aren't? You there! Spy! Stab somebody!" "I summon thee, Bonzo, the ancient Sumerian circus god! Look on my works and arise! No? Later then, Bonzo. You there! Soldier! Kill somebody!" "Ugh, I don't have time for you to die of natural causes! You there! Demoman! Bomb someone!" "Most villains don't think they're evil. They think they're heroes. Not me! I'm reclaiming it! Evil wizard! I'm rotten to the bone and I don't care who knows it!" "Look how good you are at killing, mortals! You must be very successful and rich! You could help Merasmus rise from the murky depths of his financial grave! But I warn you, it's twelve thousand dollars deep! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha haaaa...oh no." "Yes, yes! Ancient Sumerian burial ground, my magic ass! By midnight, the circus will be an American graveyard! You're not the only country that can put bodies in a hole, Ancient Sumeria! Buy American everyone!" "Do you know what's scarier than a spectral ghoul glimpsed on a moonlit night? The Japanese Mafia! They are not spectral! They are very real! And they are coming to break Merasmus' legs, unless I give them $12,000! Awooo! Aw aw awoo! Help me!" "Bonzo, appear! Appear before us! Just try not to appear between the Japanese Mafia and the $12,000 I owe them! They will break all seventeen of your arms! " "Here's a chilling Halloween tale: Once upon a time, an innocent evil wizard named Merasmus bought a circus for $12000, hoping to flip it and make a fortune! Alas, he did not have $12,000, but do you know who did? The Japanese Mafia! But, due to a language barrier, Merasmus was unclear about the frankly punitive interest rates! Welcome to my financial nightmare, mortals! Awwooo ho ho ho ho (crying)...what am I going to do..?" "Attention: foolish mortals! If you see any Japanese people around, let Merasmus know! Because that is the Japanese Mafia! At best, they are here to break his legs! And that is the best-case scenario! It gets a lot, lot darker from there...a lot darker." "Look at you! You're a veritable Murderers' Row of killers! I'll have my graveyard in no time! First, you get the graveyard! Then you get the customers! Then you get the $12,000 to pay back the Japanese Mafia! They burned Merasmus' apartment down! They're animals, mortals!" "Just look at those souls of yours! Wasting away in those big, stupid bodies! Oh the things I could do with them! The only thing I can't do is pay off the Japanese Mafia with them. Ha ha! They made that very explicit...American currency only." "My circus isn't very safe, is it? Too bad you can't file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau! Because...wait, I suppose there's nothing stopping you, is there? Well, it appears Merasamus didn't think this through..." "Be afraid, mortals! Bonzo, the ancient Sumerian circus god, is coming! You know who's not scared of Bonza? The Japanese Mafia! They don't appear to be scared of anything. Except not getting the money I owe them. (nervously) And even that just seems to make them angry..." "I hope you signed your release forms, fools, indemnifying Merasmus in the events of your deaths! (laughter) Because otherwise, I'm in a lot of trouble...Merasmus has two strikes...I will go to jail...FOREVER!" Upon second return "You thought you were going to test your strength! But instead, I tricked you, again! (laughter) Alright, I've had my fun. This time the Strongmann game will only test your strength. No more teleporting you to eldritch bumper car realms." "(cackling) You fell for it, again! (breathless with laughter) And to reward your gullibility, this time, I promise nothing supernatural will happen when you use the Strongmann game. Ah hah." "Ah ha ha ha ha! You must know the Strongman's a secret portal to eldritch bumper car realms at this point! And you're still doing it! (laughter) I'm starting to think you guys just like killing each other... Ah hah!" "(evil laughter) OK. OK! I've lost track of how many times I've tricked you into activating the evil bumper car portal at this point! (chuckle) But this time...you know what...it's still a trick! Ah ha hah!"

Preparing to capture the Tickets

"Get ready to test your strength!" "Tickets for the Strongmann game are almost on sale!" "Merasmus' dark and eldritch circus of the macabre is open! No refunds!!" "Go, go! Test your strength!" "Yes, yes! Kill everyone! Kill anyone! Kill everything that isn't dead!" "Go get your tickets! Kill everyone in your way!" "The Strongmann! MisFortune Telling! The Necromasher! My circus has it all!" "Merasmus' dark carnival...is open! (cackling)" "(laughter) Welcome lambs...TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE...for lambs!" "Merasmus' dark carnival...IS OPEN! (laughter)" "Go, the gate is up! Run fools! Get your Tickets!" "What are your waiting for? Go get you Tickets!" "Go get your Tickets! The price is MURDER! (laughter and howling)"

Tickets spawn

"'Get your Tickets! If you dare!" "Tickets are now on sale, mortals!" "Step right up and get your Tickets! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!" "Get your Tickets! (laughter) Awoo! Hoo hoo!" "Tickets are available for pickup!" "Get your Tickets, fools!" "(maniacal laughter) Hurry! Get your Tickets!" "Get your Tickets...If you dare!" "Tickets are now available!" "Step right up and get your Tickets! (cackling)" Nagging "Go! Get the Tickets!" "The Tickets are waiting, mortals!" "Why has nobody claimed their Tickets?!" "Go get the Tickets!" "The Tickets are waiting, mortals!"

Tickets respawn

"Tickets are on sale again!" "Tickets are available for pickup again!" "The Tickets are back!" "The Tickets...Have Returned!" "The Tickets are back! Go get them!" "The Tickets have returned! What are you waiting for?"

Tickets taken by player/ally

"You've got the Tickets! Get them to the Strongmann!" "You've got the Tickets! Get them to the top of the Strongmann!" "You've got the Tickets! Get them to the lift!" "You have the Tickets! Now get to the ride!" "The Tickets are yours! Now, get to the top of the ride!" "You've got the Tickets! Get them to the top of the lift!" "The Tickets are yours! Now get to the ride!"

Tickets taken by enemy

"Fools! The enemy has the Tickets!" "Fools! The enemy has taken the Tickets!" "They've got the Tickets!" "They've got the Tickets! Kill them!" "They've got the Tickets! Kill them!"

Tickets dropped by player/ally

"Your team has dropped your Tickets!" "Your team dropped the Tickets!" "You team just dropped the Tickets!" "Your team has dropped your Tickets!"

Tickets dropped by enemy

"Hurry! They've dropped the tickets!" "Fools! The enemy dropped the Tickets!" "The enemy has dropped the Tickets!" "Hurry! They've dropped the Tickets!"

Player/ally is riding the Strongmann

"You team has made it to the lift!" "Your team got the Tickets to the lift!" "Your team is on the lift!" "Yes! Your team's on the lift!" "Your team has started the lift! Get ready to test your strength!" "Your team is on the lift! Nothing can stop you now! Except the other team and their guns!" "Your team started the lift!" "(laughter) Your team is starting the ride!" "Your team is activating the Strongmann!" "You're starting the Strongmann! (laughter) Fools!...I mean good! Good stuff!" "You team is unlocking the ride!" "Your team is unlocking the Strongmann!"

Enemy is riding the elevator to the Strongmann

"The enemy's made it to the lift!" "The enemy got their Tickets to the lift!" "The enemy is on the lift!" "The enemy is on the lift!" "Fools! The enemy is on the lift!" "The enemy team's on the lift, you fools!" "The enemy's made it to the lift! Stop them!" "The enemy's started the lift!" "Hurry! The enemy's about to start the Strongmann!" "The enemy's trying to start the ride!" "The enemy team is starting the Strongmann!" "The enemy is starting the Strongmann! Quickly, kill them all!" "The enemy has almost started the Strongmann! Hurry! Slaughter them!" "The enemy is close to activating the Strongmann! Stop them! And kill them! And stop them!" "The enemy has almost activated the Strongmann! They can't do it if they're dead! (laughter)" "The enemy's unlocking the ride!" "The enemy's unlocking the Strongmann!"

Tickets successfully delivered to the Strongmann

Generic "Fools! This innocent Strongmann game was in actuality a necromantic portal to a kill-crazy realm of murder! You just got Merasmus'd!" "Fools! The only strength you've been testing is the strength of your gullibility! Stand by for bumper-car madness!" By RED "RED wins...a first-class ticket to a kill-crazy realm of bumper cars and murder! That's right, you just got Merasmus'd" "You did it RED team! And because you won, you have the honor of pole position in a bumper car slaughterhouse where I kill you all! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" (See: pole position) "Nice hustle RED team! Your reward is a slight advantage in a game I specifically invented to kill all of you! Again, congratulations. ALRIGHT LET'S DO IT!" "RED wins! Big picture though: you all lose because now you're about to bumper-fight for Merasmus' amusement! Hold onto your Skull Hats everyone!" (See: Skull Island Topper) "RED wins! And now I send you to a realm of bumper-car insanity! No bumps barred! NO RULES! Please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times though." "Yes, RED team! You've won yourself the advantage in a game of bumper cars...designed to kill every one of you! So enjoy that early lead!" "What a come-from-behind win! Team RED is a Cinderella story tonight, mortals! R! E! D! What's it spell? Who! Cares! OK, time to kill you!" "Wooo! Who saw that coming! RED snags a win! I thought BLU had that locked up! What an upset! Woo ho, well, time to die! Still though, that was close guys." By BLU "BLU wins! Enjoy your victory lap...to the grave! Courtesy of my bumper cars of the damned!" "BLU wins! And now I transport you to a racetrack slick with blood and entrails! Yours! Welcome fools, to bumper car madness!" "BLU wins! And that means you get a slight advantage at the start of my bumper car game. Then you'll die! To summarize: small advantage to BLU. Then I'll kill you!" "Well done BLU team! You've won yourself the advantage in a bumper car game! A game where I plan to KILL ALL OF YOU! And feed your souls to an evil circus god!" "BLU wins! Big picture though: you all lose because now you're about to bumper-fight for Merasmus' amusement! Hold onto your Skull Hats everyone!" "You did it BLU team! And because you won, you have the honor of pole position in a game I devised to kill all of you!" "Congratulations BLU team! You've won a very small advantage in a game I'm about to transport you all to. Footnote that, the game will most likely kill all of you!" "Congrats BLU team! I'm sending you all to a bumper-car slaughterhouse! And you'll get a small advantage at the start of it! (laughter) No, no, no. Don't thank me. After all I am going to kill you."

General Purpose

"Yes!" "YES!" "No!" "NO!" "Yes! Yes, yes, yes!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "Damn you!" "No, wait!" "Don't do that!" "Don't do that!" "Kill them!" "Stop them!" "Stop them!" "Argh! Blast!" "Why? Why would you do that?" "Perfect!" "Excellent!" "EXCELLENT!" "Get them!" "GET THEM!" "Attack!" "Attack!" "Attack them!" "ATTACK THEM!" "Destroy them!" "Quickly, get rid of it!" "Hurry, get rid of it!"

Curses

Spell Effect Imminent

"Incoming spell!" "Spell coming at you!" "Incoming spell, mortals!" "Incoming spell!" "Incoming spell!"

Big Head

"Big heads!" "Big heads! (wicked laughter)" "Big balloon heads! Haha! Hilarious!" "'Big balloon heads! Ahhh! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Merasmus, you've done it again!" "Cranius Giganto!" "Big heads for everybody!" "Balloon Head spell! And that's just a taste of the spells I've been cooking up! Merasmus's getting a lot of buzz from some pretty big magical universities right now. I don't want to name drop...Hogwarts is very interested!" (See: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry) "Balloon Heads! Just a little spell I cooked up last night. Oh what's that, Gandalf? You can't make people's heads into balloons? Ah ha ha! Well maybe you should cry hot tears into your stupid beard, because Merasmus is the best!" (See: Gandalf) "Full disclosure: I've just filled your heads with eight gallons of pickle brine! Wait, wait, wait, before you jump down my throat, you should know, it didn't cost me a thing!" "This is one of those glass-half-empty scenarios! Downside, yes I just inflated all of your heads! Upside though, because I don't want you to worry, my head is fine." "Now what I've done here is inflate your head then fill the cavity with rotten garbage. I think I speak for everyone when I say, 'Damn you Merasmus! (claps!) You've done it again! Home run!'"

Melee Only

"No guns!" "No guns! (laughter)" "No guns! (maniacal laughter)" "Nonus artilleriso!" "No guns!" "Merasmus talks about guns like you ain't got none, mortals! That's because I sold them all! (laughter)" "Your precious Second Amendment won't help you now, Soldier. No guns! For anyone!" (See: Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights) "Merasmus banishes your guns! (laughter) This isn't a Second Amendment thing by the way, it's non-politically motivated evil!" "Merasmus banishes your guns to the nether realms! Forever! Or perhaps only momentarily! Merasmus printed this spell off the Internet!"

Submerging the area in Jarate

"Underwater!" "Underwater!" "Underwater! (laughter)" "Underwater! (cackling)" "Sumarinus Jaratitos!" "Under-water!" "Swim mortals! Swim underwater until I... Oh. Oh, no! That's, that's not water, is it? Oh. Merasmus is so very, very sorry." "Swim for Mersasmus' amusement, mortals! (laughter) Oh. Oh no! That is...that is not water. Uh, Merasmus, all...well all Merasmus can do is apologize." "An ocean of water descends upon you. Drown mortals! Drown in...in... Hmm. Ok, all cards on the table, that was supposed to be water. I'm so sorry."

Bumper Car Mini-games

Setup

"Yes! Bump! Bump your padded cars to a padded grave!" "The precious padding of your bumpy cars can't save you now! Unless you have padding on your very souls!" "Bump, mortals! Bump for Bonzo's amusement! He is easily entertained! Ah ha ha ha ha!" "These bumper cars have no brakes! A) Because they move relatively slowly, but B) Because there are no rules!" "Don't forget to buckle-up mortals! Oh wait, there's no seat-belts! (laughter) Enjoy your five-mile-an-hour death ride!" "Bump away in these bumper cars, fools! Bump yourselves to madness!" "These are no normal bumper cars! They will bump you to the edge of sanity itself!" "Go for a spin, mortals, in my smack carts of the black arts! My scream machines! My bumper cars! (laughter)" "Strap in mortals to my vile vessels of vehicular villainy! My damnation wagons! My bumper scars! (laughter)" "Take a seat mortals in my murder machines of malevolent mayhem! My hearses with curses! My bumper scars!" "I hope none of you are pregnant or have an existing heart condition! Because you about to be jostled like you've never been jostled before!" "Welcome, mortals to my stationary cars! Oh no wait, they're bumper cars! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha! Get ready for the bumping of your life!" "Go ahead and try the brakes! They won't work! You're trapped in a runaway bumper car! Strap in for a five-mile-an-hour Hell ride!" "Don't fall off the track, mortals! Bonzo's hungry tonight! Especially for you, Spy! Bonzo loves French food!" "I'd love to join you down there, mortals, but I have a heart condition and the rules are clearly posted. I'm with you, it's ridiculous. Write your congressman!" "I don't want to scare you, but bumper cars aren't meant to go this fast! (laughter) That's right, they're non-OSHA-compliant! Awoooo!" (See: OSHA) "Strap in mortals to my thumper cars! They're not as fast as actual cars, but faster than a bumper car is meant to go! So...that's... still pretty scary!"

Duck Hunt

Setup

"Welcome to the Looting Gallery!" "Welcome to the Looting Gallery! (laughter)" "Welcome, mortals, to the Looting Gallery!" "Welcome to the Looting Gallery! Collect Ducks to win! Kill the other team to win! Do whatever! It takes! To win! Because believe me, you don't want to lose!" "Welcome to the Looting Gallery, mortals! Whoever gets the most Ducks wins! Whoever gets the least ducks, does not win! I'm assuming that you're all a little dim, so Merasmus is laying this out as simply as possible." "Welcome to the Looting Gallery! The team that captures the most prizes wins! The team that pushes the other team off the track, shrieking to their deaths, also wins! But much, much faster!"

Bonus Ducks from crashing into an enemy player

"Bonus Ducks!" "Bonus Ducks!" "Bonus Ducks!"

Ducks have moved

"I've moved the Ducks!" "I've moved the Ducks!" "The Ducks have moved, mortals!" "The Ducks... have moved. mortals!" "Now the Ducks are over here!" "The Ducks...HAVE MOVED!" "The Ducks have moved elsewhere!" "Now the Ducks...are over there!" "Now the Ducks are over there!"

Outcomes

RED Wins "RED grabbed the most Ducks! RED wins!" "You got the most Ducks, RED! You win!" BLU wins "BLU grabbed the most Ducks! BLUE wins!"

Falling Platforms

Setup

"Falling Platforms!" "Welcome, to Falling Platforms! (laughter)" "Welcome to a game I call: Falling Platforms! (evil laughter)" "One of these platforms won't plunge you to your doom! (cackling)" "One of these platforms will be your salvation! The others will plunge you to your doom!" "Only one of these platforms won't plunge you to your death! Can you find it in time? If I were you, I'd give it a shot!" "All but one of these platforms will fall into the abyss below you! But which one? (laughter) If the fall doesn't kill you, the suspense will!" "Welcome to a game I call "Falling Platforms" for a reason that is shrouded in mystery. But will soon be very...very incredibly obvious!" "The goal of this game is simple: one of these platforms...won't plummet you to your doom! The others...will plummet you to your doom!" "These aren't normal platforms, mortals! All of them...are evil! Except for one! Which is nice! The evil ones will plunge you to your doom! The nice one...will remain stationary!" "None of these platforms will suddenly plunge you to your death! You're perfectly safe! Drive slowly mortals and chat amongst yourselves!"

Safe Platform revealed

"Go, go, go, go! It's that one!" "There, that one! Go, go, go, go!" "There! There, there, there, there, there, there!" "Oh there! That one! That one! THAT ONE!" "Oh, it's that one! Go, go, go, go, go!" "AH! That one! Go! Go, go, go!" "There it is! Hurry you fools! Hurry!" "There is it! Hurry you fools, hurry!" "Ooh! There! That one! That one!"

Overtime

"You all win! At failing! Time to die mortals!" "The Headless Horseless Horsemann!" "The Headless Horseless Horsemann, everyone!" "Kill them all, Horsemann!" "Enough! I summon the Headless! Horseless! Horsemann!" "Kill them all, Horsemann!"

Soccer

Setup

"Bumper Cars Soccer!" "Bumper Cars Soccer, everyone!" "Bumper Cars Soccer! Awoo!" "(evil laughter) Bumper Cars Soccer!" "Ancient Sumerian Bumper Cars Soccer!" "The time has come! For Ancient Sumerian Bumper Car Death Soccer!" "Welcome to Soccer, mortals! Or as we call it in the dark realms before time: Sumerian Rules Bumpy Car Football!" "Bumper Cars Soccer! The most diabolical game in history. Invented by the Ancient Sumerian Circus Association as a way to keep score...of being evil!"

Goal

RED "RED scores a goal!" "RED scores!" "Goal for RED!" "GOAL for RED!" "Ah ha ha ha ha! Goal for RED!" BLU "BLU scores a goal!" "BLU scores!" "GOAL for BLU!" "Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Goal for BLU!" "Na ha ha! Goal for BLU!" Deciding point "Goal for RED...disgusting goal!" "Goal for BLU...disgusting goal!"

Overtime

"Kill them all, Horsemann! (laughter)" "Horsemann! Wrap this up!" "Death to all of you! Death, by Horsemann!" "Prepare to die, mortals! By the hands of the Horsemann!" "I summon the Headless Horseless Horsemann, to kill you all for my amusement! And I'm not amused easily, so he's really going to slaughter the Hell out of you! Oh, this is going to get dark, everyone!" "You're taking longer to kill each other than Merasmus hoped. So I made some phone calls! Kill them all, Horsemann!" "No, this is taking too long! Say hello to an old friend of mine: the Headless Horseless Horsemann, everybody!" "It's the Headless Horseless Horsemann, everybody! The star of Scream Fortress 2! No autographs or flash photography, please. He's just here to kill you!" "The Headless Horseless Horsemann, everyone! (claps) Give it up. (claps) Give it up." "What's that I hear? Is it the clip-clop of haunted hooves? No! It's the terrifying, completely foot-generated clomping of the Horseless Headless Horsemann!"

Outcomes

Overtime

"This is taking too long!" "You bore Merasmus! Time to make this more interesting!" "Alright, let's finish this! Merasmus is...getting a little bored watching you!" "Alright, this is getting embarrassing! Merasmus is a busy wizard!" "I see in my crystal ball that you will never win this game!"

Win

RED Wins "RED wins!" "RED wins!" "RED wins!" "RED wins! Ha ha ha!" BLU Wins "BLU wins!" "BLU wins!" "BLU WINS!" "BLU wins! Awoo!"

All players on other team have been ghostified

"You win! Everyone else is dead!" "You've killed everyone on the other team! Good stuff, guys! Merasmus is...getting a little misty here." "So instead of winning the game honestly, you just killed everyone on the other team! This is...Merasmus is so proud of you right now!" "You win! Everyone is dead!" "You win! By murder!" "You win! By murder!"

Stalemate

"Wait, all of you died? You have got to be kidding Merasmus!" "Fools! You've murdered yourselves to a stalemate!" "You lose!" "You lose!" "You lose!" "You...lose! (laughter)" "You lose!"

Scream Fortress VII (2015)

Merasmus

Contract related

New Merasmission

"MERAS-mission!" "Merasmission!" "Merasmission!" "Dare you accept this, Merasmission?" "A chillingly challenging Merasmission!" "An accursed agreement, HAS BEEN STRUCK!" "A dark contract rises from its legal slumber!" "A Merasmission from the dank depths of the depraved debts!" "A Merasmission spewed from the drooling, stupid mouth, of madness!" "Evil Contract Delivery! Return address: THE BLACK ABYSS" "A half-glimpsed Merasmission, beckons from the shadows!" "What loathsome horrors lurk within the watermarked pages of this contract!?" "MeRASmission!" Rare Merasmission "Were I to utter the details of this contract aloud, the tiny world you know would be rent asunder! Welcome to your nightmare, mortal! READING!" "Don't look too closely at this Merasmission! It is infested with a host of Hellworms; your human scientists would call Silverfish! Yes mortal, there was significant water damage in Merasmus' storage unit!" "What's that sound? Is it the scratching of fingernails on a casket lid, because they were buried alive? They might just be... Oh wait mortal, where are your fingers! Look down! That's right! It was you buried in that coffin! 'The whole *BLEEEP* time!" "Practice evil itself! Though not legally enforceable. Merasmus didn't go to law school. He got his diploma on the streets; the streets of HELL!" "A gibbous moon hangs pendulously in the night sky! It thinks you cannot finish this contract! Dare you make the moon look stupid?" "Tonight the barriers are down! Between known and the unknown! The real and the unreal! The paid debts and the unpaid debts to the Russian Mafia! (cackling laughter) They put Merasmus in a trunk, mortal." "Dear mortal: Everything you love will be dead by dawn. Signed: Merasmus! Post Script: I'll still be alive. Because I don't even like you!" "Hold on a second, Gandalf! I'll need to give some loser a contract! Sorry, I was just on the phone with Gandalf! You know, The Grey. A very good friend. It's...uh...I can tell you're impressed." "What's that Harry Potter? I'm the best wizard and you're just a big stupid pile of garbage? (light laughter) That's big of you to admit that, Harry Potter. Hold on, I need to give some bozo a contract." "Tremble mortal, at the fathomless evil pulsating in the gulfs of this unholy contact! (wicked laughter) IT'S DOUBLE-SPACED!" "Do you feel it tightening around your neck? This contract is BINDING, mortal!" "An unholy contract, written in blood! Signed in triplicate! Notarized from beyond the grave!" "This contract isn't just evil. It's legally binding! In every state, but Hawaii! (wicked laughter) Aloha, mortal!" "Does your backside feel warm, mortal? It should, because this contract just put you in the hot seat!" [nonchalantly] "Oh hello, Sauron! What's that? Yes, Merasmus, has, been working out. It's flattering you noticed. I, hold on, need to give some mercenary a contract." "Tonight you will visit the realms of Halloweens past. Remember when I got Demo's eyeball to attack you all? That was pretty evil! Or that time I used my "connections" and got the Horseless Headless Horsemann to show up! (laughter) Wow, that's evil!" "Tonight you will visit the realms of Halloweens past. Like that time Soldier turned my evil castle into a raccoon sanctuary! Ah hah. Everyone remember that? That was a, "a bad day" for Merasmus. It took a while to walk that one off." Fighting Merasmus-specific "Here's a contract I like to call: 'Your certain doom!'" "I hope your soul's in good shape, mortal! Because when you fail at this, I'll be taking it off your hands! (laughter)" "You will never beat me! And I will claim your soul!" "You dare to fight me? Oh mortal, this is going to be embarrassing!" "So you think you've got what it takes to beat Merasmus, eh? Your funeral, mortal! Your sparsely attended pauper's funeral!" "Your challenge is to defeat me! But you can't! And when you fail, I'll take your soul!" "(cackling) That's all I have to say about this next contract! Oh wait, one more thing! Awoooo!" "Your next target is me! Merasmus!" "Your next target: me! (laughter) Awoooo! (more laughter)" "Cower mortal, before the eldritch horror of the abject terror of the monstrous magic...of Merasmus!" "You next infernal contract is...hold on...let's see...killing...me. Huh. I am surprised I put that one in there." Rare Merasmission "Either you kill my past self and I get my soul, or my past self kills you and I get yours! (laughter) I don't *BLEEEP* care! I'm all about souls tonight!" "Should you fail mortal, you'll be in breach of contract. And I shall seek compensation, in the form of your soul! (laughter) And financial...compensation. Merasmus is living at the Y." (reference to the YMCA) "That's a nice soul you have there! It would be a shame if a wizard were to claim it, when you fail this mission!" "Bet you'll win this contract? Would you wager your very soul? (cackling) Please note that I'm not explicitly threatening you or you'll be agreeing to this contract under duress. That..wooo..that would not be good for Merasmus." "Exterior: A graveyard. We zoom in on a corpse holding a bloodstained contract. The corpse is yours! That's right! Merasmus has been working on a great screenplay!" "Ah ha ha ha ha, mortal! Can you murder Merasmus, himself? And if it's not too much trouble, can you do it before the Russian mob does it? Because they have made it really quite clear that they are not going to kill Merasmus quickly." "This contract is 100%, word-for-word, exactly Charles Dickens' Halloween classic: A Christmas Carol. Prepare to meet the ghost of Merasmus Past! The copyright lapsed! Awoooo!" "If you meet your doom in this next contract, thank Merasmus! And if you can read this infernal contract, thank a teacher! It's important work. They're underpaid. Happy Halloween everybody!"

Completed Merasmission

"Fool! A successful fool!" "Well done!" "Excellent!" "Magnificent!" "Begone contract! A mortal has bested you!" "Outstanding', mortal!" "(wicked laughter)" "Yeeesss!" "I return this contract from the stink pit from whence it came!" "You have bested my challenge, mortal!" "You have conquered my curs'd contract!" "You have triumphed over my terrifying terror task!" "Fool! Er, nicely done." "Infernal Merasmission...Accomplished!" "Merciless Meramission...Mastered!" "Malignant Merasmission...Mastered!" Fighting Merasmus-specific "To HELL with you and your soul!" "Fool! You are a successful fool somehow!" "What! Crap, that's not right!" "Nooooo!" "You? Beat Merasmus? You know what, keep your soul! It's probably got garbage and dirt in it!" "What? How did you do that!" "What? You beat me? Merasmus demands a recount!" "You beat me? Noooo! I almost had your soul!" "I didn't even want your stink soul!" "You won? How did you win?" "You have got to be kidding Merasmus." "My debt to the Russian mob passes...to you! (wicked laughter)" "You may have killed me. But you're still a foo...hold on. What's that Gandalf? Uh huh. Gandalf wants you to know he's here in Wizard Heaven with me. Because he dies in the book. So we both hope that spoils that for you. Yes. Oh, and Harry Potter's here too." "Wait, wait, wait. Merasmus lagged. Do over."

Merasmission reward

"Your payment!" "Your payment!" "And now...the reward! "And now...the reward!" "Claim your reward!" "A contract...fulfilled!" "You're exceptions at killing, mortal. I could use your services again...with the Russians!" "You did well, mortal!" "Congratulations, mortal!" "Well done indeed, mortal! A pity you didn't read the fine print. For now, Merasmus has your parking space...for eternity!" "Well done, mortal. Well done indeed! Or should I say, Undead! (laughter) Can I borrow fifty dollars?" "Thanks for doing my evil bidding. Signed: Merasmus." "You did the evil, here's the reward!" "You committed the crimes, here's the payout!" "Merasmus pays his debts, especially to society! Merasmus has done some...hard time, mortal." "Slow down, champ! You're bleeding Merasmus dry!" "Take your prize, fool!" "Take your prize, fool!" "Fool! You've earned a prize!" "Welcome to the eldritchenining The terrifying ancient Sumerian rite of prize-giving! Two enter, one leaves...with a gift!" "Look at your contract, fool! Do you notice something horrifying? It is not notarized! Merasmus is giving you this prize provisionally! And he will see you in court! Awoooo!" "Fool! You made a deal with the devil! And now you'll reap the reward! Which is...this reward. The devil may have inadvertently dropped the ball on this one." "'Congratulations! The gift I give you...is death!' is what Merasmus would be saying if Merasmsus' lawyers hadn't advised him that death is not an acceptable form of payment in New Mexico." "Take your reward! Your eternal reward! Just to be clear though, Merasmus is not guaranteeing this thing forever. If it breaks within thirty days, fine, bring it back. After that, you're on your own! Awooo!"

Bonus

"Wow, that was really, REALLY good!" "Wow, Merasmus is impressed!" "You...you impressed Merasmus with this one!" "Merasmus does not impress easily. But you've done it, mortal! You impressed the big dog." "Merasmus does not impress easily. But you've done it! Mortal, you, you impressed the big dog." "For someone who has lived but one lifetime, mortal...you're pretty good at this!" "You...hmm, wow! I mean, just wow! Do you not have a...day job! Seriously, that's...wow!" "[slurring] Look! Merasmus's had a few cocktails! But you are the best, man! Seriously I...I love you, man!" "Merasmus isn't going to lie to you: that was reeeeally good!" "Fool! I...ah...good work. I don't even know why I'm calling you a fool half the time. It's just...you know Meramsus is into the Russian mob for a...reeeally lot of money. (light chuckle) They say they're going to cut Merasmus' fingers off. (chuckle) His fingers! Heh heh. Heh. Maybe Merasmus is the real fool. (nervous chuckle)"

Gargoyle related

Spawns

"A Gargoyle has spawned!" "A Gargoyle has arrived!" "A Gargoyle is somewhere on the map!" "Fool! Find the Gargoyle!" "A Gargoyle is here!" "A Gargoyle has arrived!"

Successful capture

"You got the Gargoyle!" "Well done, mortal!" "You have collected the Gargoyle!" "Yes! The Gargoyle is yours!"

Moves

"The Gargoyle, has moved!" "You took too long! The Gargoyle has moved!"

Disappears

"The Gargoyle is gone!" "The Gargoyle, is gone!" "You missed the Gargoyle!" "Too slow mortal! The Gargoyle, is gone!" "The Gargoyle has vanished to another realm!" "Not fast enough! The Gargoyle is gone!"

Unused responses

Necromasher

Note: Believed to have been meant to be used when interacting with the Necro Smasher in the Carnival of Carnage. All voicelines are by Merasmus.

Successful Crush

"Necro-mashed!" "Got you!" "Ha!" "Hah!" "Merasmus!" "Not so fast!" "You fool!" "Think fast!" "For Bonzo!" "EVIL!"

Miss

"Damn you!" "Get back here!" "Next time!" "I had you!" "No!" "I'll give you that one!" "Wait! Come back!" "Wait, let me try that again." "SO CLOSE!" "Oh, I almost got you." "Oh ho ho, you're good!" "I SPARED you! On purpose!"

Pumpkin Bomb

Pumpkin bomb

Idle "Yeah, keep movin' pal." "Don't touch me pal. I will blow up right in your face." "Ya' wanna try me?" "I'll blow you up, buddy. See if I don't!" "What are you lookin' at?" "You're some kinda funny guy?" "Look at this guy." "Yeah, you better run. "I will explode, all over you pal" "Don't make me come out of this pumpkin!" "Keep movin', buddy. I, I'm trouble." "Yeah, you better run!" Exploding "Boom." "Bang." "Badda boom." "Ka-boom." "Pow." "Bam." "Baang."