Expiration Date

Expiration Date
Video Info
Released:	June 17, 2014
Run time:	14:58

Video Description

Engineer and Medic make an unsettling new discovery while experimenting with the teleporter. Meanwhile, Scout stops insulting Spy long enough to ask him an embarrassing favor; the Administrator's clerical assistant/cleaner/murder expert Miss Pauling races to bury some incriminating bodies; and Soldier makes a new metal friend.

Video Transcript

Transcript

[The screen fades in to a shot of desert road, similar to Meet the Sniper. Light flute music plays with a soft drum accompaniment. A slow downwards pan to a crushed Bonk! can is punctured by a brass flourish. Suddenly, a Red Bread truck screeches into view from the right, knocking away the can and fishtails, nearly ripping off its rear bumper. It continues down the left lane.] [Cut to a right side view of the van. The camera pans from the rear towards the front while a heavy drum beat plays. The logo is pock-marked with bullet holes and the white paint has been scraped off the sides. The camera continues panning and steadies at the van's open air cab, revealing a sleeping Scout and the Heavy hunched over at the wheel.] [Interior shot of the cab. The windshield has bullet holes on the left and is completely knocked out on the right. The Heavy's bulk is apparent on the left as compared to the Scout's relaxed pose with his feet on the dashboard. Fuzzy dice adorn the rear view mirror. The Heavy continues to drive the van on the right side of the road when the dashboard monitor begins to softly beep.] [Cut to a side view of the right-hand side of the cab. The Heavy looks disapprovingly at the sleeping Scout. He returns his eyes to the road. The dashboard beeps again and the Heavy hits the Scout without taking his glance off of the road. Shaken, the Scout jerks awake.] Scout: Gwaa! Bwaa! What?! What? Oh. [The Scout reaches over and with his right hand, pushes a button on the monitor. It is a video call from Miss Pauling.] Miss Pauling: Scout, it's Pauling. Tell me you got the briefcase. Scout: Yeah sure. Miss Pauling: And nobody saw you? Scout: Ehhh. [He raises his hands and shrugs his shoulders]Basically nobody. Miss Pauling: [Her expression darkens] Scout, I'm here right now. Scout: Well that's a funny story... [The cab's rear door abruptly opens and the Soldier steps out, and with his right hand, hastily pushes Scout's face into his seat. The Scout throws up his hands, the Heavy is startled and momentarily loses control of the van, and the Soldier takes over the monitor.] Soldier: [brightly] Hello, Miss Pauling! We killed everyone and took a briefcase! [He brandishes a BLU briefcase ] Miss Pauling: Not everybody, Soldier. You left seven witnesses, guys. [A bloodied hand can be seen in the background reaching for help. Miss Pauling turns and shoots him with a silenced pistol. The hand collapses.] Miss Pauling: [matter-of-factly] Six. [The camera cuts to a rear shot of the van pulling into a dirt road flanked by rocky cliffs and several Sentries and a RED-owned building in the distance. A dead BLU soldier can be seen draped on the roof of the van. As the van drives in, a wooden prop of a cactus with some desert plants pops up and a painted curtain background falls into place, disguising the entrance.] Miss Pauling: [she continues talking as the camera pans] Look, just keep the briefcase safe okay? [Side shot of the van rolling down a ramp and pulling into a garage. The rear bumper falls off.] Miss Pauling: Have a good weekend guys. [Front shot of the van pulling into the garage. A BLU Demoman's boot can be seen sticking out from underneath of the hood which has a hood ornament reading "SWORD". The Heavy looks harassed and brings the vehicle to a stop. The dead BLU soldier slides off the roof. The Heavy leaves the keys in the ignition and exits the van.] Soldier: [his hand still covering the Scout's face] Goodbye, Miss Pauling! I'm leaving the van now. (Note: captions read "Mrs. Pauling") [The Soldier disappears into the rear of the van and the door slides closed behind him. Cut shot to the Scout who looks relieved at the hand being removed from his face. He adjusts his hat and headset with both hands. He looks back at the door.] Scout: Bye bye. Okay then. [The background music stops and the van grows quiet. The Scout turns back to the monitor.] Scout: Hey, hey Miss Pauling! Before you go. Ahh- Miss Pauling: Uh huh? [She is dragging a body. He stammers and scratches his face.] Miss Pauling: [distracted] Scout? What? Say something. Scout: [regains confidence] You're probably real busy this weekend, right? Miss Pauling: [finished with dragging body, she stands up and wipes the dirt from her hands] Funny you should mention that. Um. Looks like I will be... burying bodies all weekend. [she grabs a Fire Axe and brings her face closer to the camera] So you don't go to jail. Scout: [stammering] Oh g-good. So...we're both busy. [Cut to Miss Pauling on the monitor. She looks at him quizzically in silence. He returns the glance awkwardly. Suddenly a siren can be heard in the background with guards shouting. Miss Pauling reacts and turns hurriedly from the camera.] Miss Pauling: Oh! Got to go. [She disappears off-camera. Muffled shots can be heard. The monitor buzzes off. Cut back to the Scout with a pained expression on his face. Side view of cab with the Scout leaning back resignedly.] Scout: Lot of people busy with busyness. (Note: caption reads "business") [Heavy can be seen in the background, checking the fridge's contents. The Spy walks slowly, passing front of the camera left to right, cigarette in hand.] Spy: [smugly] Asking out that dial tone again, I see. Scout: [sitting up and angrily gesturing] Go to hell, Spy. [He drops his demeanor and looks dejected. He looks down, then chuckles sadly to himself. He gets out of the van. The Heavy takes a drumstick from the fridge and tosses it over his shoulder.] [The camera pans slowly with the Scout walking left to right from the van to the table. A medium tempo jazz instrumental starts with flute, piano, and drums. He tosses the keys in the air and deftly catches them. The Soldier attempts to extricate the BLU Demoman's body from the hood of the van. The RED Demoman takes a quick spin on the Teleporter and disappears. The Heavy manages to find a Sandvich and leans contently on the fridge door and takes a bite.] Scout: [gestures to the table which holds another Teleporter, a loaf of bread, and an astray] Hey, look at all this. What have you two eggheads been workin' on? [The Medic and the Engineer are discussing something, but turn to Scout when he addresses them. The Scout tosses the keys. They both glare at him, ignoring the keys which clatter to the floor.] Scout: Nice catch. [The Engineer turns to the Medic. He turns to address the Scout while the Medic steps back.] Engineer: Yeah. Listen now... We've been running some experiments on the Teleporter. (note: the captions read "Listen. Ah..." [The Engineer gestures with his head to the Teleporter. The Soldier wanders over, interested. The Heavy remains at the fridge door, eating his Sandvich, but observing.] Engineer: Well yeah. Y'all ought to take a look at this. [The flute continues to trill in the background. The Engineer picks up his PDA and activate the Teleporter; it starts whirring into action. The Soldier stands with his arms akimbo. Suddenly, another loaf of bread appear, silently hovering. The Heavy is somewhat intrigued, but the Soldier is utterly amazed, reaching out with both hands to grab the loaf. The Scout, however, is unimpressed.] Scout: [disinterestedly while the background drum beats a steady tattoo] Wow. You can teleport bread. That is. Big news. Um. Is the Demo back with the beer yet? Cause I... [He turns back while the Medic breaks open the loaf with a sickening crunch. The interior of the loaf contains pulsating green lumps and teeth. The Engineer winces while the Scout yelps and throws his hands in the air. The background music stops] Scout: Whoa! What the hell is that?! Medic: [cheerily, gesturing slightly with a half of the throbbing loaf] Tumors! [Cut to the Heavy. He suddenly looks concerned and stops eating his Sandvich. He eyes it worriedly.] Engineer: [adjusting his helmet] Y'all know what this means right? [The Soldier suddenly grabs the Scout by the neck and slams him onto the table.] Soldier: Ahhh! We cannot teleport bread anymore! [He nearly chokes the Scout and raises a hand as if to punch his face. The Heavy still leans nonchalantly on the fridge door. The Engineer intervenes raising his hands.] Engineer: Whoa! Whoa... Not exactly, Soldier. [he places his hand on the Soldier's back and smiles] You teleport as much bread as you like. [His smiles fades and removes his helmet. Ominous sounding strings start up. The Heavy looks at his Sandvich, sniffs it, shrugs, and continues eating.] Engineer: That goes for all of ya. If there's something any of y'all wanted to do before ya...Well. Died. Now would be a...good time. [Suddenly, the Spy's voice is heard. The Engineer turns. Cut to the Spy, languidly brandishing a cigarette from its case] Spy: How long before these...tumors kill us? Medic: Vell, let's see. [he gestures, thinking out loud.] Ve all use the teleporter, let's say six times a day... [Cut to the rest of the team, Scout is still rubbing his sore neck, the Soldier stands stoically, the Heavy still leans on the fridge door, Sandvich now half-eaten, and the Engineer replaces his helmet, backwards as usual. Cut back to the Medic] Medic: Times four years. Minus...ve're not bread. Hmm. [He turns abruptly. The Spy is startled] Medic: Three days. Yes. [The strings rise to a crescendo while the camera dramatically zooms to the Medic's face. Deep chimes accent the moment] Medic: We all have three days to live. [The strings slow then stop. Cut back to the team. The Scout and Heavy look worried while the Engineer looks down at the floor. The Soldier, confused, counts off: one, two...] Demoman: Whooooooooo!! Woooooo!! [He appears in a flash from the idle Teleporter. He triumphantly celebrates his arrival with a crate of beer with limes wedged in the necks, his grenades on his vest removed to carry bottles. As his wobbles precariously on the Teleporter as it slows down, we can see that he is also festively clad in a sombrero and novelty Margarita shaped sunglasses while also carrying another beer] Demoman: Woo. [he looks around at their faces] What? [Expiration Date Title Card] [The screen then cuts to a text with the Team Fortress 2: Free to Play logo with the text "www.teamfortress.com". The screen soon blacks out]

Plot summary

As the mercenaries return from a mission to capture a briefcase, Miss Pauling calls them to ask how the mission went. She is slightly irritated that they left witnesses that she has to take care of for them. Scout tries to talk to her, but he is unable to think of anything to say to her.

When they arrive back at the base, they hear bad news from Engineer and Medic: the bread that they have experimented on has developed large green tumors, leading them to conclude that they will die. The Medic estimate's that each team member has about three days left to live. Engineer provides each team member with a wrist watch that will count down to the time of the mercenaries' demises.

In face of this news, Spy decides to collect a bucket list in a literal bucket. Spy delegated the task of collecting wishes to Scout, who has filled it with drawings of the Spy being hit by a car and having a romantic relationship with the Eiffel Tower. Spy remarks that his time has been wasted, and angrily bids the team farewell.

Afterwards, Scout comes to Spy's room to apologize and seek his help. He confides that he did have a real wish for the bucket list: a date with Miss Pauling. Scout admits to Spy that while he himself is good with girls, he is vastly outclassed by Spy when it comes to ladies.

Spy agrees to coach Scout in how to behave around a lady. While Scout shows some progress, Spy ultimately declares Scout a failure.

With little time left on his death watch, Scout decides to take things into his own hands. He calls Miss Pauling to the base by pressing the alarm button for the briefcase being stolen. She hurriedly arrives on the scene, but is infuriated upon learning that the briefcase is actually secure.

Meanwhile, Medic and Engineer have come to the conclusion that the growths in the bread are, in fact, not tumors at all, but a self-aware organism that can only spread in pure wheat. They inform the team that they are fine as long as no more bread has been teleported; Soldier then announces that he has been doing just that for the past three days.

Upset at Scout for wasting her “one day off a year”, Miss Pauling begins to leave. As Scout attempts to get her to stay, they are confronted by a giant bread monster. A fight breaks out, with the mercenaries rushing to their aid. One of the Medic's pet doves ends up eaten by the monster, followed by the Soldier.

During the fight, Miss Pauling attempts to blow up the monster by using a Payload cart, strapping the Scout's death watch to it to serve as a timer. As Scout attempts to help her, she and Scout end up trapped on the wrong side of the blast doors as the bomb is about to blow up. The two notice that the dove that the monster ate is flying harmlessly out of the mouth of the monster. They wordlessly agree to jump into the mouth of the monster.

Stunned by the blast, Miss Pauling and Scout painfully but quickly recover inside the bread monster. Once she recovers, Miss Pauling admits that the experience was fun. Scout tells her about the death prognosis just as the two are helped out of the remains of the bread monster. They are informed of the fact that only bread mutates and that they will all be fine.

The story ends with Scout trying to get another date, but Miss Pauling having to decline due to already having spent her one day of vacation this year. She does, however, offer Scout to come along at work, though he declines each task Pauling lists until she comes to the task of punishing the one who pulled the briefcase alarm.

Notes

• The title card displays "COPYRIGHT LOLOLOL" on the bottom right corner, a recurring joke throughout the "Meet the Team" videos.
• Ashly Burch, the voice of Miss Pauling, also helped write some of the short.
• Nolan North voices the Engineer's new lines, as the original voice actor, Grant Goodeve, was unavailable.
• The BLU Soldier is missing from the roof of the van during the opening scene, and only appears once the van approaches the base.
• At 11:59 the Sniper Rifle uses the same firing sound as the AWPer Hand instead of its default firing sound.
• The team responsible for the 2013 Best Overall Saxxy award-winning short, Lil' Guardian Pyro, helped animate a small section of Expiration Date.^{[citation needed]}
• The location of the RED Base is in an edited version of the map Hydro.
• When learning to dance, the Scout first performs the dance move from Tom Jones' song "It's Not Unusual".
• The Scout line, "Classic Scout", was improvised by voice actor Nathan Vetterlein as detailed in his Twitch Stream.
• Nathan Vetterlein said he worked very closely with Ashly Burch during the short's creation.
• At 14:42 the Pyro is seen playing with a miniature Monster Bread as if it was a puppy, most likely due to his Pyroland hallucinations showing it as such .
• The RED Bread van's hood ornament reads 'Sword'. This is a reference to the "Sword Van" comic from KC Green's "Custom Comix".
• This is the first Valve-made TF2 short to feature Miss Pauling, and the second to feature characters apart from the RED and BLU team (the first being the Second Annual Saxxy Awards trailer.)
• At 0:52, the "1" on the van's number panel is visibly worn out. This is a reference to "Meet the Spy".